Thursday, December 30, 2010

I tried to take pictures of my dress for New Years and mostly ended up with shots of my breasts.


Wearing my dress for tomorrow right now and bright red lipstick. Took a lot of silly pictures.
Spent all day in bed. Why does that never feel as good as I think it should?

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

One of the teaching assistants from last year went back to her little town with new resolve to make friends and speak German. I am going back to my little town with new resolve to make things pass and quickly and pleasantly as possible which will probably involve a lot of tea, reading, sleeping, and travelling. This may or may not make me sort of awful and people may grumble about my terrible attitude, but I don't care.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The internet: sitting around waiting for other people to exist. Trying to remember what they are actually like.
Five and a half months. I will be home in five and a half months. My house might not be there, but I will be home. I think about it all the time. London has been marvellous. Partially because it's London and partially because it's more like home than anywhere I have been since September. I have decided the next five and a half months will fly by. Then I can be a real person. I can have real feelings for people instead of these substitute feelings. 
Katie has captured everything I've ever felt.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Story of my life:

I Make Myself Available to be Ignored.

Current plan:

Be really hard to get and everyone will want meeee.

Except the current plan led to the story of my life. Shiiiit.
So I'm pretty sure there's a person who is distinctly not talking to me. I don't blame them entirely, but I kind of want to ask them if they are not talking to me. Unfortunately, when this person is on another continent this is made very difficult and it's a very silly question to begin with because if he's not talking to me, he simply will not respond. Letter sending on Wednesday.
I went to see Somewhere. Part way through I started feeling like I had no personality or identity. Then the main character voiced pretty much all of the thoughts I was having. It was a very effective film. See it if you want to feel lost/already feel lost. I keep feeling surprised when I see my face in the morning. It's like I expect it to be different, uglier, everyday and it's not. It has become a non-issue. Like working. Like pretty much everything. The biggest issue I have is how little I care about almost everything.
I think about food and boys almost all the time. What do other people think about?
I've been dreaming a lot. My thoughts are so wasteful. It's like I just make them up so I have something to think about, but I cannot possibly sustain this thought process until June, can I?

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I am a more honest person when I write letters than I am at any other time. This is why I don't send them most of the time.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas everyone!

I have a terrible headache. I think this is due to the massive amount of wine and champagne I have consumed in the past two days. Asking for headache medication sounds rather difficult, so I am just going to continue to sit here in slight pain.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Ran around with Arthur while he did last minute Christmas shopping and thought about how I really just like everyone and like myself.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Sleepiest person ever. We kept talking about going out tonight, but I am so fucking sleepy. I think I might go take a bath and then sleep.
I am sort of pining for many things and all of them illogical and surpringing. London is lovely though. I went to bed a bit wine drunk and quite pleased last night. Especially pleased that I was sleeping in a bed bigger than a twin with more than one pillow and I was very warm and cozy. Today I saw lots of things, but if you want me to name them I cannot. I guess it is not terribly shocking that I keep thinking about Dylan Thomas because the last time I saw most of the things I was with the Dylan Thomas class. I want to tell all sorts of people (one person) about all of this.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Also, read this, it's hilarious.
Off to London. The last time I was off to London I was with 42 or so Americans that I didn't know very well and I was feeling rather apprehensive. Of course the trip turned out amazingly and I still communicate with some people from the trip regularly. I hope this turns out similarly.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I had a minor crisis so I walked a couple of miles and bought some chocolate (not for me). Now I have a headache, which is a bigger crisis than my other crisis that's not even a crisis at all because nothing can come of it. It's just feelings that refuse to leave even after months and months and months and it confuses me utterly.
There is this dog wandering around Mcdo's. It's great.
Things I did at work today:
Knit.
Received Christmas presents from teachers.
Ate chocolate minty things from teacher in training.
Knit some more.
Talked to a lot of teachers about my knitting.
Ate a sausage wrapped in bread and enjoy it surprisingly much considering I don't like sausage.
Ate piles of Christmas cookies.
An intense sort of morning crabbiness. I think the reason I am thinking of the things that I am thinking of because-

AHHHH my jam is moldy.


I think I am thinking of the things that I am thinking of because whenever I go somewhere new or go back to somewhere old, all I think of is what happened there the last time. I am being real vague. Oh well.

Toast with just butter is not the same. This is probably the biggest conundrum of living alone. I find it quite impossible to consume all of the food I buy before it goes bad. Even bell peppers, which I eat every single day for at least one meal, if not two, still manage to go bad on occasion. It's rather frustrating.

Monday, December 20, 2010

I am reading a book based on a movie. I want my kindle right now. Also I've decided I need a crush in this country, because having one in another country is working out poorly for me.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I think I have randomly chosen people to think about and pine after because I'm bored. Most of the time I spend no time thinking about them and then when I have nothing else to think about I sit here and go "I wish they were on facebook. Probably in the future I should date this person." This is mostly harmless as 1. They are in a different country from me. 2. I don't actually want to date them/have the chance to date them in the future. 3. I just picked people I have liked in the past. 4. I picked people (let's be honest, person) who is not completely apathetic to me either. What worries me more is the fact that I can't seem to survive happily without thinking of some boy, somewhere.
I had a dream that my mom was a serial killer and another dream that I am not going to bring up and now I am awake at 4:30 in the morning. This is probably also because I went to sleep at 9.

So weekend: Friday went to Linz. Made dinner with Maddie and William and then proceeded to get very drunk at the Christmas party. Had a white elephant gift exchange. I got vodka. Of course. Because I really needed to get drunker than I already was after drinking sekt and rum. We went to a bar. I kept pretending I was in the U.S. by closing my eyes. Parts of the evening were slightly uncomfortable, but it was mostly okay.

Saturday somehow managed to still be alive and get a train to Salzburg where I met up with Becca and we went to the Christmas market. I ate a giant pizza pretzel (a pretzel with cheese and seasonings) and drank some glühwein and then we went to an Irish pub where there were lots of English speakers. I proceeded to start out the night of drinking very enthusiastically and then we went to a Christmas party full of teaching assistants from various countries, including English ones that I hadn’t seen since orientation. Since I was drunk, I managed to talk to a lot of people and dance a lot and stay out until quite late again.

Some other thoughts: An anonymous person was making out with one of the French teaching assistants who did not speak English or German. When it was time to go he said, “Get your shit together.” She did not understand and so he wandered around looking for someone to translate “Get your shit together.”

While it’s really terribly sad when other people feel noticeably hurt (noticeably to the point that I can tell they are hurting though I don’t even know their name), it sort of makes me feel better. Like, oh thank god, other people have shit in their lives and feel awful about it. Boys are such dicks (this is a statement for other people. Boys aren't particularly being dicks to me at the moment as there are very few boys that exist in my life right now.) 
Successful very very very drunk weekend. More later.

Friday, December 17, 2010

I have an urge to buy a really excessive amount of wine tonight.
Hurray! I finally feel like I am in the Christmas spirt. I've been a bit of a Scrooge this year and by bit of a Scrooge I haven't been my normal Christmas-crazy self. Today however, I feel wholly Christmassy. I am wearing lots of red, I stuffed my face full of delicious Christmas cookies in one of my classes and we took a really fun Christmas quiz. Christmas parties for the next two days. While I really want it to be January, I kind of want Christmas to continue on forever.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I don't think I can come back next year. I have thought about it, a lot, which is sort of ridiculous because I spent hours and hours of everyday feeling homesick. I think I want to come back because I want to be the type of person who lives abroad for a long time, who isn't stuck in the same place. I have commitment phobia with St. Paul. I just like it too much, I might never leave. Next year though, I think I need to be at home.
Went to a Christmas party in Wels only to find out there was snow everywhere and a lot of the people were big sissies and did not go. This did not dampen my spirits however, as I was so happy to be out and about in the world that I got sort of drunk and missed the train I meant to ride. This also did not dampen my spirits as I decided I could just sleep on someone's couch in Linz and take the early train back to Freistadt. The train was coming at 11:30, so we had our beers and then made plans to leave, but oh wait, our train was one hour and seventeen minutes delayed! So we had more beers and ate kebabs and happily made it to the train several minutes before the train pulled in at 12:50. There were some teenagers waiting to get on the train before us and the conductors actively started pushing them out of the train. Somehow it didn't occur to us that we wouldn't be able to get on the train if they couldn't get on the train until it started pulling away! So we called Holly and five people ended up spending the night in her room. I was very thirsty as I had drank a good amount of beer, but my mattress was on the floor in front of the door and I couldn't figure out how I would possibly be able to get out and so I lay there despairing for a long time. In the morning we finally managed to catch and train back to Linz and then I am ashamed to say I went to Mcdonald's for breakfast and it was so unsatisfying. Filled with grease on the inside, I caught my bus, slept most of the ride, went to school without changing, but the teacher I was supposed to help was already gone (I called in, so I'm not in trouble) and then stumbled home to shower, eat and sleep.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

My plan for the winter: sit in my bed with my kindle and drink tea and eat cookies all day long.
Am now reading Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. Feel reassured as other people in the world (in books) feel exactly as I do. Feel not reassured as they are supposed to be ten years older than me and they talk fondly about their days as a twenty-two year old. This means that ten years from now I could be exactly like I am today. I want to start writing my blog like how Bridget writes, but imagine that would quickly become annoying and I would loose all male readers (of which there are probably few to begin with). Also, I found my phone! I went to the Secreteriat looking very sad and told her I forgot my phone the day before and she held it up and I got all smiley and happy. I should lose things more often just so I can find them again. May or may not be going to Christmas party in Wels. It would be about three hours of traveling (an hour and a half there and back) for 3-4 hours of fun. But I might go, just because there are a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time and I love Christmas and I love parties and I kind of even like traveling places for a long time and it would be something to do.
Going to London in a week. This is what I tell myself anytime I feel remotely bad.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

If you don't read any of my 500 posts today, you must at least click this link and add to this project. (This was sent by an anonymous source)
Yeah, so I'm totally and completely against the Kindle and all e-books, but I just ordered one. Since in Austria, I've been reading one or two books at day. Most of my book supply comes from a school library with an English sections made for English language learners. Right now I am reading a young adult book about a girl who is a little fat so she becomes anorexic. I read almost all of it at lunch time. There is so much good literature in the world and this is what I choose to consume. Thus, I am buying a Kindle with 3G. I am going to be so well read by June.
If exes reblog all the same things does that mean they still like each other?

I can always tell when someone stops liking me when they stop reading my blog. However, I can't always tell when someone is reading my blog so this is not an 100% accurate measurement.
Blair is coming to Europe in March!!!!!!!!! I might have a new episode of the Office to watch tonight!!!!!!! I am reading annoying tumblrs where they use a lot of !!!!!!!!!
Sometimes when I am in Mcdonald's I get a whiff of french fry smell and all I want to do is eat fries, but I resist.
A baby keeps smiling at me. He is now looking at my computer screen and sitting next to me. What a great kid.

Note: I am waiting for something to download, thus why I am compulsively posting.
Minnesota was in international news for how much fucking snow it got last weekend. All the teachers were so excited to share this news with me today. It was nice.
I forgot my phone at school. It's really fucking cold. I'm reading a bad book. There are no kindles in stock. I want to be in the US. My tea is cold. I have to work tomorrow afternoon.

Okay, I'm done bitching, anymore and I would just be making things up.

Monday, December 13, 2010

I talked to my mom and she only cried at the end and she acted like the house was still going to be there when I go home. As long as everyone keeps pretending.

OH my brother told my mom that if she made them take my cat back to my dad's house they were just going to bring it to the humane society they hate him so much so my darling precious cat is living with my mom's exboyfriend until I get home. Ridiculous.
I walked to the faraway grocery store for something to do even though all of my groceries could be obtained nearby. It is very cold outside. While there I saw a kid bundled up in a snowsuit with one of the tiny grocery carts running around with a grin on his face and I remembered being a kid and my parents going to the shady Rainbow grocery store in Midway that had a place to buy ice cream cones and every time we went I got ice cream and this is probably why I still love grocery shopping so much, I was conditioned to like it as a very small child.
In order to conserve internet I am now typing into a word document and will paste it later.

When I was 14 I had a journal on an old laptop my dad got for free from work. I kept it double password protected and was terrified that someone would somehow find it as it contained all my deepest darkest secrets (largely things about boys). At the end of high school, when I hadn’t been writing in the journal for at least a few years I tried to turn the laptop on and I was sad when it didn’t work.

I always feel awful when I wake up. Thus I have decided I need to think of ways to avoid waking up or somehow make waking up really pleasant. Maybe I should start taping really happy poems by my bed. First thoughts when waking up “Ugh, my alarm is going off. Sleeping was so nice. Am I really still in Austria? If I were waking up in the US to go to the Art Academy, would I be happier? Yes. Why is it so cold? Where is the water leaking into my bathroom coming from? Do I really have to do this entire day? What am I going to do today? Nothing!” Shortly after these minor crises however, I realized I have several activities I want to do, like grocery shopping (possibly twice), buying shampoo, conditioner, and toilet paper, finish editing a story for a friend (anyone else want feedback? I am desperately missing workshops), finish writing a letter to Monica (I’m still not sure if she will reply, but I don’t know), write letters to Krista and Maya, finished reading the first Harry Potter, and start writing a short story. These things are only slightly comforting.

I want long, pretty hair. Instead my hair vaguely resembles a bird’s nest unless I straighten it. 

I am a bell pepper person

The teacher I was supposed to be with this period isn't here. Instead I'm looking up recipes for creamy bell pepper pasta. Yummm.
The best part about Austria: Bread and chocolate. The irony of the fact that this is a coffee shop in St. Paul does not escape me.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I just talked to my dad and brother on the phone. I am often mystified as to how I was primarily raised by my dad and spent a lot of time with my brother, as they are both very different people from me (you know, athletic, unemotional), but it was really really really lovely to talk to them. They were stuck inside the entire weekend due to a blizzard in Minnesota and I was sort of jealous that they got to be home (where I desperately want to be) for the whole weekend. Granted, if I were there I would've gone crazy and Kevin and I would've argued, but still it would be home. I always forget what little input my family has on my life. I asked them whether or not they thought I should come back and they basically had no feelings on the topic. They told me to call my mother, but I don't want to. I just want to pretend her house isn't being foreclosed and that I will go home and everything will be fine.

Side note: I had an excellent time in Braunau this weekend. Lots of food, wine, and talking. Really good.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Becca has this cat, Blackie (an Austrian named it) and it's really friendly and I love it, but it drools everywhere and it's super gross.
Got wine drunk with Becca and Maddie and it was lovely. Fell asleep with a smile on my face (I very much remember literally smiling) feeling quite satisfied. Had a bunch of very significant dreams which I promptly forgot. Going to lots of Christmas markets today.

Friday, December 10, 2010

I really like teaching. I get all smiley and happy. Even when I am talking about the Columbine shootings. It's kind of awkward. I wish I had been able to teach more than four hours this week. I probably would've been much happier.
I had a dream I was dating someone I found entirely unappealing and the only reason I was dating them was because I was flattered that they liked me.

Waking up at 7:30 is vastly better than 6:30 because at least it's sort of light outside.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

It's really hard to predict anything at all. I sort of thought that I would be terribly lonely at this point, but I didn't understand what terribly lonely meant. I talked about it the way I talk about the monsters that come when I turn out the light. They might not be real, but there is a possibility that they are real and if they are real it would be atrocious. Therefore all my statements of "I will be so lonely," were not truly heartfelt, as they could not be. Except now the loneliness is here and moving about my insides in all sorts of ways. It's worse than I thought and even worse than that it makes me angry. I realize I am the only person responsible for my well being and happiness and thus to put blame for any of my unhappiness onto anyone is entirely ridiculous, so most of the time I am angry at myself, for being unable to be as happy as I want to be while I am alone in a little town. Other times I become angry at people, but it's misplaced anger.

I do have things to be excited for. This weekend I am going to Braunau to make Christmas cookies with Becca and if you know me at all, you must know how I love baking and cooking. On Wednesday the Upper Austria teaching assistants are getting together in Wels. I just hope my school doesn't actually schedule me for that afternoon. The following weekend I am going to Nuranberg to go the second best Christmas market in the world and the following week I am going to London for Christmas. After London I am traveling somewhere (who knows where) with a couple of the TAs. Therefore, there is absolutely no reason I should be unhappy. I will probably be mostly happy while doing these things. Hopefully I won't cry ever. I want it to be enough, I want to be happy enough for it to lift me out of what I'm feeling. I want everything to be so good.
I went to work. I sat there and read for four hours. I finished Schlepping through the Alps and got halfway through Atonement. I taught zero classes. I want to teach classes. I really like teaching classes. No one told me to teach any classes. No one made me a schedule. I talked to the teachers. Said hello to all of them. I talked to non English teachers. But no, no work for me. I considered while I was sitting there that perhaps I have an American view towards work. I want to be working all the time. I need work to be satisfied. The fact that I work very hard is a matter of pride to me. Perhaps this is why I get so frustrated when I go abroad, no one ever gives me enough work to do.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

My head is cloudy.
I went to Linz today and taught William how to knit and drank hot chocolate and listened to Christmas music and it was really great. It's weird how when I talk about how sad I am I don't actually feel sad and then I get on the bus and feel sad all over. William gave me some vitamin D. If there is no sun, might as well take it in pill form right? I am very tired and very hungry and I thought of a million things to say on my blog earlier, but am now too famished to post any of them. Maybe tomorrow.
I need something really great to make me forget I was ever feeling bad. I am hoping London will do this. Remember the last time I was in the UK and I spent months afterwards wanting to be back in that time in my life?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Me: Why am I not tired? 
Julia: Because you don't do very much stuff that makes you tired?
Me: That's true. 
I just want to go to sleep. I finished my book. I watched some shows. Why am I so not sleepy?
Box of cookies now on nightstand. Almost halfway through novel and it's only 8:28. I have decided from now on I am not going to eat dinner before eight, that way when I am done it will basically be bed time.
I'm gonna keep reading chick lit about dieting and then I'm going to eat some cookies.
I made a giant bowl of pasta for dinner and read chick lit about a woman starting a dieting website. Really good.
Sometimes one of my schools forgets to do things with me. I got to school at 7:50 this morning and was there until 12:10 and I didn't do a single thing besides read. This would be nice if I were not a workaholic with not enough work. I need a form a support group: Bored Workaholics.
I am now effectively living my life where I sleep through all the hours of daylight (with the exception of one or two hours when I am at work). No wonder I am depressed.
Tumblr started working again and now I am using all my internet to look at all the (really excellent) (a couple of really dumb) tumblrs that I follow. Had a dream about Linz and trains and a girl with no teeth. She was pretty nice though. It's 4AM. I want to go home and sit in my dad's house and watch Christmas movies and knit and go to yoga everyday except when I am too scared to drive in the snow and then hang out with Danny in the evenings.

This is the post I was writing when my internet crashed. Then I went and cried for 2 hours for reasons I still don't understand. I have been crying abnormally much and I normally cry a lot. I am slightly concerned about myself, but have decided that the holidays will make everything feel better. Mostly the problem is that I don't know what's wrong.

Monday, December 6, 2010

I want to make dinner, but it's the only fun thing I have to do this evening so I am trying to sit here and waste time. This is silly. Maybe I will write letters after dinner.
Epic days of boredom. I told myself I would not nap because what else am I going to do tonight besides sleep? But I did nap for two and a half hours. I will try to fill my time with movie watching and letter writing and walking to the faraway grocery store and making vastly complex (very simple) food for dinner.

I realized today that despite my awful anxiety, I escaped a lot of the worst things people with anxiety do. I don't have OCD. I leave my house. My social anxiety is so low that only the best of my friends notice when I am highly uncomfortable in a situation.

Another thing: I am so glad that neither me nor any of my friends have gotten accidentally pregnant.

My dad might be going to Brussels on February. Maybe I can see him. I would be so happy. I miss my dad a lot.

I am going to walk through the dark and the snow and the slush to the faraway grocery store and get things that only faraway grocery stores have. It will be lovely.
Oh my god. Due to some bored facebook stalking I discovered this site. Of course, the discussion was over whether it was stupid or not. I think it's great. But then, the one poem I ever got into Catch was about leaving anonymous love letters.
I miss the people who love me almost unconditionally no matter how much I cry or fuck up or worry about things. I say almost unconditionally because there are things I can do to make them not love me, as I have done a couple of these things, mostly unintentionally. But yes, I do miss this.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Things that happened this weekend:
Met up with Becca in Linz. Drank a cafe latte in Mcdo's. Bought some yarn to make mittens for Julia. Ran into Erin in H&M. Watch the devils parading around (because St. Nick and devils have a lot in common). Followed the devils to really fun music. Click to see a picture of what said devils looked like.  Went to the grocery store. Bought vodka. Was carded because I look younger than eighteen apparently? Met up with Party Jim and Jaden. Went to the Christmas market and had some gluehwein. Went to a Vietnamese restaurant. Had some noodles. Pregamed at Jaden's with a bottle of wine and vodka. Arthur came! Ate some Reese's. Showed up to Panta's party very drunk. Won a round of beer pong. Continued to get drunker. Talked drunkenly to lots of people. Played another round of beer pong. Ate some point I came out into the hallway and didn't see anyone I knew and sat on the floor and chainsmoked and cried. I don't understand any of the logic behind these actions. Talked to Joe. Talked to Maddie. Went back downstairs and told everyone how much I loved them except the people I don't love. Cried and danced. Apparently stayed out until 4:30. Cried in the taxi. Woke up and felt very homesick.
Do not be mistaken. I am not pining. I am sad because I am not happy anymore, but I am not pining. If anything I'm pining for people that used to be in my life years ago.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Morning is the worst. That's what I forget to constantly censor my thoughts and for about five seconds everything I don't like about my life comes rushing in. Then I spent a while trying to get back to my normal level of censorship. It's kind of like when someone shows  a nipple or says fuck on live television.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Here's the email I got from Itunes:

Dear Tasha,

I am sorry that you have experienced difficulties while attempting to update your account information. I know how eager you must be to have this issue resolved. I am here to help.

Please try again in 24 hours. If you are still unable to update your account information, let me know.

Take care, Tasha.

Sincerely,

Matt,



What if it doesn't work? How do I ever contact my bestie Matt again? 
I don't want to see yo' face.
Today during class I looked out the window at the hills surrounding Freistadt. I saw two dogs, sitting in a doorway, curling up through the snow. It was so wonderful. I just smiled through class. And it was silly. And I can feel my bottle of wine. But that's why I bought a bottle of wine. So I could feel it.
I don't know how to write good poems, so I am writing shitty poems. They are, at least, poems.
I have successfully napped until 6:45. This is really good.
Why is it when people say nice things that I like it so much that I cry? This makes no sense to me.
A side note: school made me very happy today.

Another side note: I did cry a bit earlier. I was thinking about how I get so self-conscious about stating any sort of unhappiness because I feel like it makes people like me less. Then it occurred to me that I didn't particularly care about how people, boys in particular, felt about me and furthermore, I am more self conscious when I feel that there is some sort of concern involved, something unspoken that's left to be said, but I am quite certain there is no concern and nothing left to be said, so I will be left to be unhappy as much as I please.
Oh dear. Everything just welled up in my eyes all at once. This is not to say I am crying at all, but momentarily my eyes hurt, like they were going to try. It's like, you know how you can tell yourself something repeatedly and you really mostly believe all of it and then all the sudden something little sneaks in and you realize that pretty much everything you ever say to yourself is utter bullshit? Yeah.
Looks like I'm staying in Freistadt tonight. I alternate between being perfectly okay with this, terribly bored, and wanting to cry about it. I bought a bottle of wine to cheer myself up about it. Spent approximately 30 seconds debating whether buying a bottle of wine for myself because I'm sad means I have a drinking problem. Decided if it does, I don't care, I am going to drink it any way. Bought 2gb of internet in case of severe loneliness later.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

To be fair, this about how poorly I feel when I go to Dunn's by myself in St. Paul. So I feel pretty ordinary. I hate feeling ordinary. I like being happy. Fuccccck.
The email I should've written
Dear Itunes, you motherfucker,
I live in a tiny town in Austria. I don't have wifi most of the time. To my knowledge there is no place to buy a goddamn movie in the entire town. Recently I have largely stopped talking to both of the people I talked to more than anyone in the whole world for the past few weeks so I tell everything to my blog. My blog, unsurprisingly, does not respond to anything. In order to stave off the terrible loneliness I constantly listen to music and read books and watch tv shows. I only have 2 tv shows on my computer. I've watched season 3 of 30 Rock about 5 times since I've been here. I wasn't even trying to buy shows. I was trying to watch free shows. I would torrent things, but the download speed in Mcdonald's where I am forced to use internet is too slow. So fuck you Itunes, for robbing me of the one joy I have in life on the week days.
-Tasha
I want someone to be a fuck up with me. But I don't want either of us to actually have any problems.
I just sent I-Tunes an email. I fully expect them to send me all of every television show ever created in order to make up for the pain and suffering they have caused me.
I miss hulu. Austria would be 500 times better if hulu worked here. And I had wifi.
I am starting to see the appeal of hermitage. When I don't see anyone I don't really have any feelings about anything. I went to the store to buy more internet and there was such a long line that I left and got a stress hive on my face. I expect someday something so bad will happen that my entire face will turn into a hive. However, mostly only minor bad things happen so I only get one hive at a time that goes away within an hour. My face has returned to its normal state.

Sometimes when I am by myself I get really happy. I turn on music. I sing along to music. Even in my drunkest of states I don't sing along to music because I am so atrociously bad at it. Alone I sing. I dance. I rap, except I can't really rap so I skip every few words.

A boy is staring at me. I don't know if it's because I'm American or because he's a creep. I don't know if idle staring makes a person a creep.

Sometimes when I am by myself I get really removed. I watch my hand fill a pot of water. I watch my hand stir the potatoes. I amaze myself with my own functionality. The way things become habitual.

Often when I am by myself I think about how I am by myself and all the people I would rather be with. I want to go to Knox. I think I am so excited for the party on Saturday because I want it to be like parties at Knox, but it won't be. It's like I expect everyone from college to suddenly show up. I expect the music to sound like music played at parties in the US. Of course neither of these things will happen. I will go, I will get drunk, I will be overly self-conscious the whole time and thus will try to be extra happy and outgoing to compensate (but this is how I felt at all Knox parties last spring to be fair and I did have a good time). I miss my room with my bed next to the window where I could sleep with the lights on all I wanted to.

I am trying to buy tv shows on itunes, but it keeps telling me I have entered faulty card information for all of my cards and I am not entering faulty information for any of them. This is terrible.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I felt okay and then I didn't feel okay. Let's blame things happening in Dexter.
I wish when I were upset someone would just have sex with me like what happens in tv shows and German movies. Instead I am just sad by myself or I watch people having sex in tv shows and movies.
The whole time I've been here I've been shocked at how mostly well behaved Austrian students are. My opinion was entirely changed today by one class who 1) ate during class 2) talked while I was talking 3) walked around the room while I was talking 4) did each other's hair while they were supposed to be reading 5) spoke constantly in German to each other 6) went on their phones 7) took pictures. While this is a very good picture of what American schools are like all the time, it was horribly discouraging.

But on the bright side the cashier made some comment to me how it was snowing really hard (or this is what I decided she said as I can't understand Austrian German) and it made me happy that even though I come in all the time and am a dumb American they still talk to me like a normal person.
I like to pretend I am a snooty academic. This is not to say that I am not a snooty academic, for I certainly am. I like to get into conversations about literature, and art and all sorts of snooty, upper middle class academic sort of things that have no application in the real world. Sometimes though, just sometimes, I like to read books like Bridget Jone's Diary. When going through a break up last spring I sat on the couch in Julia's apartment, ordered a pizza and sat on the couch watching 30 Rock with a tub of ice cream until the pizza came and then continued eating ice cream once the pizza was gone.  Luckily, here, I cannot order pizza online for delivery (if I cannot be bothered to call and order pizza in a country where I speak the language fluently, the idea that I would call here is completely absurd) and thus I make food so instead of staring at myself in the mirror, wondering why I had to eat all the pizza and all the breadsticks and all the ice cream and watch all the television shows in existance, I spent approximately 5 seconds in the mirror this morning feeling pleased and wondering if I have lost weight, which is something I rarely think. I've lost my point. What I was saying was, sometimes I like things like Chick lit and romantic comedies.

I like to pretend I am not a conventional person. I have never been under the illusion that I am pretty in any conventional sense and thus when people find me attractive, it's some sort of fluke. I talk about how I don't want to get married for a long time, how I don't want to live in the suburbs, I don't care about money. I do believe these things most of the time. Sometimes though, like last night, I get these horrible desires to live in a house in the suburbs. There is some sort of bland suburban-type man in the picture. Someone who is blindly devoted not out of deep love, because having a lot of love makes things really complicated, but because this is what people do. Writing will be some sort of charming hobby. I want to own a mini-van. Boys always tell me I am "sweet" and "cute." I don't particularly want to be these things. It reveals a horrible vulnerability inside of me and I think this is why all my relationships end so quickly, because this vulnerability is scary to people, though I explain, countless times, I am perfectly okay by myself. I think I was born one way and I want to be something completely different.


This is what I have looked like all week. Only I sit around in a wife beater, shorts, and a hoodie. 
Writing poems and listen to P.O.S instead of preparing for school. This is who I am supposed to be.
I'm really glad I have two more classes today that I have no idea what I'm doing in. I don't even know where one of the classes is. Really good.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I accidentally left one of my burners on and the fire alarm went off. To remedy the situation I opened all the windows and tried to fan the fire alarm, but I accidentally hit the fire alarm and now I can't get it back on because it's too high up. Bummer.
New life plan: I am going to become one of those indifferent human beings. I quite like indifferent people. They are perhaps my favorite kind of people, which always ends terribly for me. Thus I am going to become one. Never mind the fact that this is something I have desired for years, for perhaps my entire life. Lately I've been thinking a lot about myself as a child. I always had a lot of friends. Sometimes though, certain girls would be mean to me until I cried. There was no reason for it, they just knew they could make me cry. I understood that they were just trying to make me cry, which made me really angry and when I get angry, I cry. Maybe that's why I haven't cried for the past couple of days. I am just complacent and not angry. When I am sad I watch television shows. When I am angry I cry.

Also, I have like a billion potatoes. What can I make with potatoes?
I wonder if when actors are killed off in television shows they experience a death.
How to feel better:
1. Tell yourself repeatedly that the thing making you feel bad isn't making you feel bad at all, but something else entirely.
2. Watch a lot of television shows. They are better than movies because they take less concentration.
3. When waking up in the middle of the night or the early morning continue to watch television shows.
4. Tell everyone what's wrong, but tell them you are okay and it doesn't bother you.

Monday, November 29, 2010

I say all these things about being dysfunctional, but this isn't true. When I'm upset I tend to get hyper functional.
I feel mostly okay, but I'm sort of dreading the shower. The shower is the one place where there is nothing to distract myself with.

"Tasha, you can't just distract yourself all the time and expect yourself to be happy. You have to actually be happy."
I want to watch endless episodes of 30 Rock and pretend this is reality.
Maybe I am not sad. Maybe I am just neutral. I sort of hate being neutral. I have this theory that I've had a lot of really enjoyable times in my life, thus when times are less enjoyable I fall into a minor depression because life seems so not fun. I want to read a book. I want to read 5 books. I have two books to read. Neither of them are the type of book I want to be reading right now.
I don't want to go home so I am sitting on the computer at school. Paaaaathetic.
Teaching a class with a cough:
Open your COUGH books to page COUGH COUGH COUGH and look at COUGH COUGH exercise 3 COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH.
I brought my knitting to school today.
 'Was strickst du?'
'Handschuhe.'
'Sie heisst mittens? Hahahaha'

'What are you knitting?'
'Mittens.'
'My son is learning to knit. Knitting is harder for boys.'
'Oh.'
'There is an island in South American where only knit.'
'Oh.'
I woke up half an hour before my alarm went off. Wrote a sonnet for my double sonnet crown. I now have three. They are sonnets only in that they are fourteen lines each. I feel sort of terrible, but it's the type of terrible I cannot pinpoint. I have nothing more to think about. The sadness just sits there and doesn't say anything. The conclusion I came to last night was that very few people have actually broke my heart, I just miss warm bodies.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I feel completely non-functional. The next few days of my life: curled up in ex-boyfriend's sweatshirt, t-shirt, and shorts, watching things, if I can find things to watch. Maybe I will buy a movie or two. I don't even know where to buy movies.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I like being in houses. I also like being in cars. It makes me feel at home in ways I never am otherwise.

Friday, November 26, 2010

In 3rd grade my teacher had a little basket of jelly beans and whenever I got the chance I would steal one. Eventually, I ate all of them. I don't know why I'm thinking of this now. I got two hours of sleep. Had post-drinking/overthinking insonia, had still drunk walk to the trainstation at 6:30 in the morning, had best shower ever for the fifteen minutes my hot water lasts, wrote a letter that will never be read. On the brightside, life will only get better.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

"I knew that Ivy, like every woman, really only wanted to know what I felt - or thought, if I didn't feel anything."

Max Frisch, Homo Faber

While recognizing that this is horribly sexist, I must point out that I find this to be true. I constantly want to talk about how I'm feeling or you're feeling or if neither of us are talking or together I think about what I'm feeling or you're feeling. This of course is an absolutely terrible way to live, this constant assessment, how am I feeling at the moment. I would prefer to think in terms of activities like, I will now do this activity or that activity. Things I am not saying: I would really like to see you this weekend.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I'm really excited for the next few days. This is good.
I have a piece of glass embedded in my foot. A glass shattered on my floor Monday morning and in everything that happened I forgot to wear shoes in my kitchen and now there is a piece of glass in my foot. It only hurts sometimes. I don't know how to get it out. I've tried using tweezers. This is so awkward.

Also, it's snowing.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Pretending I'm happy when I'm actually feeling really awful makes me feel sort of miserable.
I am going to wander around Linz alone. I am going to buy a book. Maybe other things. I am going to sit in the bookstore and read. Shit.
Cosmo said I am going to leave all my feelings behind and just be able to enjoy sex without thinking. Really good.
What I want right now: I want to go to the caf at Knox almost crying. I want to find a few of my friends sitting there, done eating, but who wait for me to eat and when I sort of almost cry in the caf they tell me nice things to make it better and I still leave and cry because I cry a lot. Can it be the weekend now? I just want to have fun and pretend I'm completely okay.
Liz Lemon is dating Matt Damon the pilot. They better break up soon.
I have this plan to stay in Linz until the early evening/late afternoon. I will buy a book. Maybe some yarn. Maybe a puzzle. Maybe a movie. Things to distract me. Then I will go home and be comforted by the fact that I haven't been there in awhile. I just have to make it till Thursday. Then I will be all right.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Remember that time we saw that play and it was really fantastic and I put my knees next to your knee because we couldn't hold hands?
I can't sleep, which is unsurprising. I feel reasonably okay. Reasonably meaning that I feel like shit, but am not crying or horribly panicking in any way. I am going to tell all of my readers (who are dwindling due to my poor blogging habits as of late) what I am thinking right now, but some parts will be really vague.

1. I really like the movie "500 Days of Summer" I saw it while drunk summer '09 and instantly hated how much I loved it. It's like a chick flick for uncertain young people who are too fucking cool to go watch romantic comedies in theaters and too fucking uncertain of everything to want or be in a relationship, but really like the notion of love. I am thinking of it now. The scene at the end with expectations versus reality. I feel like I have both expectation and reality running through my mind, but neither of them are really what is going to happen. What will happen will be something in the middle. Probably something painfully in the middle.

2. I just emailed Monica to ask for a writing assignment. I read over my blog posts from last April to figure out how I make myself feel better. It made me miss my little room with all my pictures hanging up and all my dresses in the closet and all my nice little routines. It made me miss sitting on the Gizmo patio squinting at my computer. It made me miss going to Kaldi's and writing papers. I miss German class. I miss German Club. I miss my sorority. I miss my sorority sisters. I miss having to create a huge document. I miss having classes until midnight. I miss my comforter. I even miss Knox parties.

3. I was in Maddie's kitchen and her roommate from Thailand came in really mad because the landlord won't let a guy from Ghana move into the building because he said he will make things "dirty" because he's black. It was awful enough that it wholly distracted me from how I was feeling. I didn't realize people were openly racist like this. I have to admit. I come from a very white neighborhood in St. Paul. A lot of my friends are white. But somehow I've always very actively cared about oppression and bigotry. I remember being a very small child and reading lots of books about the holocaust and wondering why anyone would do such things. Then in college I read a lot of books by "women of color." A lot of literature by Chicanas. Black feminists. Black feminism always appealed to me more because a lot of times black feminists are not separatists. I can never be a black feminist. I am a very white person. I will always be one of those educated white feminists who likes to talk about feminism, who likes to comment about gender, while being incredibly hetereonormative. Somehow I love it. I've always loved it. I like reading books by feminists. I like being a feminist. I like doing things that are clearly anti-feminist because it gets me off doing something that is so against what I believe in. When I get mad at boys for acting like ourselves I say, "Why do we live in a society that raises boys to be this way?"

4. Monica wants me to write a double sonnet crown. I will take this challenge, but they will not rhyme. They will not be wholly formal sonnets. They will be the correct length with no rhymes. They will be about what I always write about (boys and love and food and absence).

5. I talk about writing a lot because I am a writer. If I were to introduce myself in any manner possible, I would say "I'm Tasha and I am a writer." I hated calling myself a writer for a long time. I felt like it was a preemptive title, but it is who I am.

6. I asked Julia things I do when I feel better as she knows better than anyone and her suggestions were these:
And to feel better in general:
- Take a bubble bath.
- Knit something. Perhaps a pair of slippers for me. Like these ones:

http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/113-32-crochet-slippers-in-eskimo

http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/plain-or-cabled-slippers

I like the colors of the green ones and the cabling and strap of the beige ones.
- Cook Thanksgiving dinner and/or any other dinner
- Make pancakes and/or French Toast from scratch
- Drink whiskey and dance wildly to La Roux
- Cry
- Read melancholy poetry
- watch movies about baby animals
- find an animal shelter or pet store that will let you pet tiny, fuzzy kittens


When I think of more things, I will send you another message.
And then I will dream about laying next to you in a warm bed, staring up at the ceiling and sometimes looking out the window. While eating cheese and bread and roasted garlic tomatoes.

What a wonderful friend Julia is.

7. I am having three Thanksgivings. I still feel really thankful for lots of things despite feeling like shit.

8. Current life plans: Come back to Austria next year. Figure out grad school shit in the summer. Apply to graduate school. Be an academic fuck who gets to talk about books and art and abstract concepts all day.

9. I really need to take a shower.
I feel pretty terrible at the moment. You would think after a while I would get used to this and not care, but I do care. Every time I have these same little thoughts, but I still understand the inevitable. Nice little vagueries, right? I did not spell vagueries correctly. I don't care. Maybe I will write now. I just don't know. I will read some Sarah Manguso and some Sandra Cisneros. I will talk to people and tell them why people are awful, knowing that I am awful myself. I will write letters. I will spend a lot of time crying and think, "This moment will not possibly pass because I feel too terrible" and it will pass and I will feel better again because that is how things work. I will write in my blog more. I will curl up in the fetal position and miss sleeping with other people. I will curl up in the fetal position so long I will forget how nice it is to sleep with other people (I have done this before). But in the end it will be okay and I will move on and forget about everything.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I don't sleep well when I drink. The idea of a nightcap sounds terrible to me. I don't go to sleep, I don't stay asleep. I try to sleep at seven and then wake up three hours later feeling wide awake and hungover and bored. I am going to start writing and I am going to start posting it here at the risk of making thing unpublishable elsewhere, at the risk of people not reading my blog because no one read blogs because they like writing, but because they like to know what's going on in peoples lives, but I don't really know what it going on in mine. I've become a much more calm and relaxed person than I used to be, but I still cry when I get drunk sometimes. When that happens it's mostly because I'm angry. I still try to go off and do it by myself and I still do a terrible job of that. For some reason I feel okay about things despite uncertainties.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Ugh I need retail therapy. I want to buy everything in IKEA tomorrow.
On the bright side, I really approve of the Freistadt Christmas decorations. I'm pretty sure they wired the entire Altstadt with Christmas lights.

Also: How do you say hair conditioner in German?
I don't check the internet for two days and there are a million new blog posts. I follow too many blogs or it's finals at Knox so everyone is posting a lot.

In other news: I don't know what to do. No one seems to be able to tell me what to do. Fuck.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I'm being a bad blogger. I am being a bad everything right now.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I woke up still drunk. Why is it that one week a bottle of vodka can do such little harm and the next week leave me horribly drunk? Any way, I am going to have my normal hangover food of eggs and toast and bacon even though the Austrian bacon is so little and substandard to American bacon.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Eventually I reach the point where I just stop caring and wearing tights with runs in them to work. This point is in November.
I just remembered a book that I didn't finish last year, The Book of Salt. I am suddenly extremely perturbed by this. Monica lent it to me when I was feeling awful and all I wanted was to disappear into something and so I spent an entire day reading Deb Olin Unferth's Vacation, , but somehow I could never get into The Book of Salt in the same way and now I feel bad about it.
I had a dream that my cleaning lady and her entire family were trying to come in and clean my apartment while I was sleeping. This was enough to wake me up. I did however speak German in my dream.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I feel a little bit guilty by how happy I am with my life right now. But only a bit.

Monday, November 8, 2010

I am checking blogs at work on one of the two computers, not because they are super interesting (though some are), but because I don't have a seat in the teacher's room and I just stand around uncomfortably otherwise.
It is raining. I just taught a class that didn't speak. There are still four days until it is the weekend. I hate today.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I have not been posting with my normal overzealousness. I'm not sure why. It could be argued that it is because I don't consistently have internet, that all I do during the week is sleep in my apartment. I think I've been happy though and when I'm happy I don't feel the need to document everything that I've ever felt and show it to everyone. I also haven't really been writing. As I was falling asleep last night I thought about writing and it came so easily, but I was in bed, half asleep in the stage where everything that exists is mostly hallucination. I become so much more desperate to talk to people here. At home there are so many times when I think about coming, but instead sit around waiting for my phone to do anything. If anything, I understand the self-preservation of my happiness.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I used to be a person who cared a lot about politics. Now I am a person who tries their hardest not to think about it, otherwise it makes me start to feel sick.
My apartment is a den of filth that must be cleaned immediately.
I want to write something poetic, but I have nothing good to say, I spend all my time sitting around in a beater and underwear. So here's a Matthew Dickman (my great love) poem.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Today I went to school after a four day weekend and they had failed to make a schedule for me. So I sat reading for the first two periods, went to third period where I didn't do anything, read through fourth period in case someone needed me and then went home at noon. I basically don't have a job.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I have 12 euros to last me 13 days. My plan thus far: buy no food.
Crazy, confusing weekend. Spent Saturday in Gmunden with Becca and then went to Linz for Sunday and Monday night. An anonymous TA may or may not have gotten really lost while drunk and alone leaving the club on Sunday, wandered into the industrial area of Linz, climbed a barb-wire fence, lost a shoe on the wrong side, climbed back over, climbed over again, hitched a ride on two dump trunks, and mysteriously broken his elbow. I got to watch multiple movies in English which was lovely. I was alone in Freistadt for approximately five minutes before I left and got tea at Mcdo's. I haven't showered since Sunday. It's a really good look for me. 
I'm just going with the flow.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Last night I went to a club with the same name as the phone company that had approximately 500 rooms. I dressed as a bunny rabbit and felt much cuter than I normally feel and drank more vodka than I do on most days. I lost one of my contacts in the sink and now have a very confusing blister on my foot. Overall I would say it was a good and highly confusing Halloween.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I really like reading self-deprecating blog posts. This might make me awful, but I think mostly I like it because I often overestimate the happiness of others.
Sitting in Mcdonalds sucks. I need more friends in Freistadt.
I have been sitting in the Freistadt Mcdonalds for two hours because my internet is down. 
Sometimes I am so happy in this country and other times I just feel defeated.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I bought more internet! I played about 130 games of Freecell when my internet was down and took a lot of naps.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Vodka Movement has begun.
(I went to the Czech Republic, a lot of vodka, too much caffeine, I'm using Mcdo's internet)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Drinking beer and eating pretzels by myself. This is Austria.
I'm not broke anymore! My dad is the best person ever.
Sandwiches are just the best food ever.
Drunken communication, though arguably less sincere, always strikes me as being recklessly honest and that's why it's so nice.

Friday, October 22, 2010

I've spent a lot of my life fearing pretentious people in the arts, often deciding a person is pretentious and to be feared and later finding out that I quite like them. So I am understandably horrified every time I come to the realization that I, myself, am a pretentious person in the arts. Thus, I was somewhat hesitant about doing NANOWRIMO (national novel writing month) for somewhat pretentious reasons, the main one being that NANOWRIMO seems so unpretentious and is mostly filled with people who wouldn't ordinarily write a novel. The writer in me says that they clearly haven't suffered with their writing for years I have and then the other person in me, a somewhat quieter voice, says I should never ever think things like that. Thus, I am doing NANOWRIMO.
I told one of the teachers that I only have one pot and no bowls and a little knife that is breaking and she is going to look and see if she has any extra supplies. Yessssss. I am imagining so many delicious things I can make.
Confession: I really want to be at Knox Homecoming and I really want to see my sorority sisters.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I just looked at my phone like it works and wondered why it never rings.
I sit around in a beater all day reading. By the end of the night I think I'm hearing ghosts.
I now have an Austrian ATM card. Unfortunately, I have zero dollars in my account, which I know for sure as I checked my Austrian online banking account.
-Are high schools in America really bad like they say on TV?
-Yes. 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I think I am staying in Freistadt for the long weekend of four days. Hopefully I will find things to entertain myself with.
Watching television for a lot of hours does not make homesickness better.
I'm intensely homesick today.
I am going to write something everyday. Even if it sucks. Even if nothing I write will ever be publishable anywhere, not even on my own blog because I have this horrible tendency to write things about people I know.
Sometimes I just don't want to do anything because it seems too difficult. I keep pushing everything until tomorrow. I know in my head the right words to say at the bank, but I'm scared I'll fuck it up. I will go tomorrow.
It is 10AM and I am done with work for the day with nothing to do  (besides bring my laundry to the landlady, go to the bank to get my bankcard and online banking information, go to the post office, and get this cell phone business figured out, but it's rainy and I'm not willing to walk further than the bank in this awful weather). I am going to make a cup of tea and read Freedom. I might need to make a trip to Linz this weekend in order to get more reading and knitting material.
I have that weird feeling in my stomach like something awful is going to happen, but I don't know what.
I'm worried I am one of those people who always sees the grass as being greener somewhere else. I wasn't pleased with my life at home until the very end of the summer and now it's serves as something idealized that I want to get back to.
Something about the early morning makes everything feel terrible. I walk around in my underwear with the lights on and the curtains over assuming no one else is awake, but I could be wrong.
I need to start writing everyday. Look I told Chad that Michelle and I are on Dogzplot and he posted about us on his blog.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I've always liked being social, but I'm worried Austria is turning me into a recluse. I get so used to being alone. I have my alone routine. I come home after school, either go to the grocery store or make my sandwich, if I have anything else I need to do I go do that. Otherwise I take a long nap. I wake up later and hope there are people online for me to talk to. If not I read or write letters. Then I make dinner, shower and go to bed. I do this everyday. When I can't do it, I start to get these odd cravings for it, even though I shouldn't.

When I'm tired I get crabby and miss people even more than I ordinarily do.
I just want to sleep all day long.
At times in my life, I have most certainly been this girl.
Austrian Fruit Loops suck.
I had this idea that coming to another country would wake me up entirely. I get it sometimes, that feeling, like how I felt when I got off the bus at the Linz train station and I felt so little, but I knew where I was going any ways. The rest of the time I just want to sleep.
Michelle:  ummm. how come we aren't the official porn stars of dogzplot? apparently, they lost that part of our submission.

Monday, October 18, 2010

I really want the perfect words to say at this moment because I really want you to click this link. Ironically, at this moment, of all moments, I have nothing to say. Michelle and I got two flash fictions into Dogzplot. You should read them.
My toothpaste leaked in my backpack. There is toothpaste on everything. My life is gritty and smells like mint. I am quickly becoming broke again. I hate paying rent and exchanging my money for less. I think I might be too broke to mail letters.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

One of the best things: When people I really miss buy plane tickets to come see me.
On Saturday I went to the bookstore and desperately tried to get myself not to buy a book, particularly I tried to get myself to buy Freedom by Jonathon Franzen, but when I open to the first page and it started talking about Victorian houses in St. Paul, I knew I absolutely had to buy this book, that this book was written specifically so I would pick it up in Austria to read.
Everyday I eat cereal for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and noodles for dinner. I am tired of this.
I get really excited to talk to people online and then I actually talk to them online and feel an utter desire to be in the same place as them.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Pretzels are not good drunk food. Since I've never been drunk in my apartment before, I had no good drunk food. My favorite drunk food is breakfast food consisting of two eggs sunny side up, hashbrowns, toast, and bacon. If you've been out to breakfast or a drunk meal with me, I probably ordered this unless I didn't want that much food or an omelet looked really tasty. This summer I started going to Mcdonald's a lot while drunk. There's a Mcdonald's here, but I don't think it's open 24/7 like the Mcdonald's on University in St. Paul. I think most people in Austria eat kebabs while they are drunk, which I did last week and found it to be very pleasing. I miss American breakfasts. That's the one food item I really miss.

Friday, October 15, 2010

This is the first time I've been drunk in my apartment.
I had a really good night out and hopefully tomorrow will be really good too and then everything will be really good.
I've been having really strange dreams lately. I just dreamt that the teaching assistants were weight loss counselors at a fat camp. Last night I dreamt that Helmut, Austrian by birth and in charge of dining services at Knox College, became the new governor of Minnesota.
I'm feeling cheerful despite things, slightly guilty that I am here enjoying myself while everything is getting messed up at home, but there's nothing I can do. Talking to some people always makes me happy.
Yeah, so I'm a founding member of Alpha Sigma Alpha Theta Nu chapter and they made this really lovely rap video. Clearly you should a) watch the video b) become a member of Alpha Sigma Alpha if you are a female currently attending Knox College and are not already affiliated with another social sorority.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I'm getting self-conscious about my feelings. This always happens when something bad happens. I feel like I should remain cheerful because people like me more when I am cheerful. Though I am not very good at pretending to be cheerful. It has to be sincere. It's okay to be sad for a few days when your childhood house is leaving right?
When I feel sad I read sad things that other people have written and don't feel less sad, but I do it any ways. I've posted this before, but I'm going to post it again. It's nice to read when I'm sad because it reminds me of how I feel and reminds me of a lot of people I like a lot. Today the English-teacher-in-training asked me whether it is proper to say, "We can only see us on Saturdays" or "We can only see each other on Saturdays." Obviously he wanted the second statement, but I liked the first statement so much more even though it made me sad. It made me want to write something, but I think I would have to feel  differently than I do to write something with that statement. Mainly though I felt sad because of not having any money and worrying about whether or not I would get to see people this weekend, but I do, so it's okay.
So I had a really awful moment, but I talked to Julia and Blair and that helped a lot and Becca told me there's a yarn store in her town, so that's really exciting.
Because my life is going really super well right now, I probably won't have enough money to eat or finish paying my rent this weekend. Apparently my four or so message over the past week saying "I really need you to put the money in my account today, it's really important," were not clear enough.
I have wireless at school! This is the best discovery ever. Now I will be able to upload pictures.
I feel particularly awful thing morning. I repeat my usual mantras, this is only a phase, things will get better, etc., but it's not true. Things will get better for awhile, because I am in Austria and enjoying it, but then I will go home and things will feel terrible all over again. My mother, for the past couple of years, has been talking about how she is cursed. I don't have the heart to tell her that she has been consistently ruining things for me since she fell into her slump eight or so years ago. There are just so many good things in my life right now and I don't want any  of them to get messed up because of this.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Mornings are the worst. I can deal with everything except when I wake up when it's still dark out.
The footage of the miners coming out of the mine is really touching. Mines are so tragic. I wish people didn't have to go down in them. How could anyone survive underground that long? I hope, at the very least, that mining conditions get better after this.
I am now on a I-have-no-money diet. It's where I cannot afford to buy any food because I-have-no-money.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Wishlist for when I get paid in the middle of November:
A bigger pot
A pan
New sheets that don't feel like towels
New towels that don't feel like something that feels really bad
Books in English
Knitting needles
Yarn
Dirndl
I hate being in a different timezone from the US. I want people to say, "It's okay, you'll be 23 when you go home. You don't need to live in your mom's house. You can live in your dad's house. This is why people get divorced so their children have two houses." Instead I'm going to get in bed at 8:30 and watched German dubbed television.
I have won 95 games of Freecell since moving to Freistadt. I am going to quit writing and become a professional Freecell player.
I keep having to remind myself that I am a successful person, as if my mother's impending homelessness will rub off on me.
I am having a terrible day. Just terrible. And all of the terrible things are happening at home so there's nothing I can do.
I don't know what to do right now. Life was going so well.

Monday, October 11, 2010

My mother's house is being foreclosed. So basically I have nowhere to live when I go home and the house I've lived in since I was five is being sold. I had a dream about this once a few years ago and I told my mother and she assured me that wouldn't happen. The worst part is, I can't even see it again.
I got four letters today. It was one of the nicest things that has happened since I've lived here. I've only read two and replied to one, but they make me so happy.

Sometimes I miss people so much I feel like something inside me is going to burst. It astonishes me that everyday I wake up and still exist, am still intact, whole. I want to explain that my missing certainly triumphs your missing, because I'm quite sure it's not possible to miss anymore.
For lunch: sandwich with pesto, tomatoes, and fresh mozzarella. Super good.
I had my first class that didn't speak English well. It was strange and awkward and I couldn't speak slowly enough.
The fact that I had a dream in German and feel like staying home rather than go to work are good signs.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I don't have any bowls. All I have is one tiny sauce pan which I use to make everything. I eat my cereal out of it in the morning. I use it for tea, and cook what I can with it at night.
This weekend:
Went to a crowded fair and wondered why I felt so out of place and if it was because I was in Austria or if it was because I almost always feel that way in crowded places.
When I went to sleep I kept having dreams that I was still awake.
Walked to the train station in Linz while the street sweepers were still out and caught a train.
Saw people I knew on the train and was grateful.
Met a crazy guy from New Orleans. He wasn't crazy in the fun way.
Walked around in some caves. One was really icy. The other was really big.
The best part was when they were shining bear shadows on the wall and a little kid said "Ein Bär. Das ist ein Bär."
Went to the top of a mountain and thought a lot about how I've thought a lot about the possibility of being at the top of a mountain and how it does help a lot of things. When things are so pretty it's hard to be upset.
Went back to Linz exhausted and went to a bar called Cheese. Danced to music they don't play in America anymore and haven't for several decades.
I ate a kebab.
On the way back to the place I was staying we got yelled at by some Austrians who said, "We don't speak American here."
All the grocery stores in Austria are closed on Sunday.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Linz and Hallstatt this weekend. Excellent.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I keep waking up early in the morning and can't get back to sleep. I actually went to sleep at 9:30 last night too instead of 8:00. I had a dream about a moving Mcdonald's. I was trying to get to Linz. I'm not sure what this country is doing to me.
I finished the two books I brought with me (Eeee Eee Eeeee by Tao Lin and Stranger Things Happen by Kelly Link) and now have nothing to read. This is terrible. Clearly I must go watch more German MTV.
I have a bicycle and a cell phone. I need to raise the seat and I am still lacking a charger, but I have a cell phone and a bicycle.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Eight months too long.
I love grocery shopping. Especially cheese shopping. Also, it's 7:30PM and I'm in bed because I have nothing else to do. This is eight months of learning to live with myself.
See I keep typing messages and writing letters to people telling them everything that is going on and then I get here and am burnt out. I am really homesick and experiencing terrible culture shock. This is to be expected. I am often homesick and experienced culture shock even in Galesburg. It's somewhat worse now as no one speaks English and I live by myself and only work for three hours a day which means I spend 21 hours a day by myself. I expect at some point I will adjust more, find people to spend time with. Maybe the Spanish teaching assistant who must be experiencing similar things. This weekend I hope to go on a day trip with other Fulbrighter's in upper Austria. I am ridiculously excited for this. But Freistadt is cute. The beer is good. Everyone has been nice. I'm trying to go somewhere everyday like the grocery store or the alien registration or the store that sells toilet paper or the appliance store. Each voyage fills me with fear, but I manage. Things should be better now that I have internet.

Monday, October 4, 2010

In Freistadt with no internet. I will return soon.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Today was such a great day. Such a great day. I can't get over the fucking mountains. They have no beer selection here, but I drink it any ways. Some good news, I will share later assuming it goes through. I miss everyone terribly.
Walked up a mountain and stopped at the top to drink some beer and sing some songs and I was happy up there and now, coming down, everything seems to drop and all I can think is that  I want to say "I miss you," as if saying it more will make it less true, but it doesn't. I always think that maybe I cannot exist everywhere. I worry that might be true. I feel little.
Walkin' up a mountain, discussing the difference between trousers and pants.
So even though I know that when people say they are going to try and visit me, they probably won't make it, I still get excited any ways.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I sang to one of the Von Trapp children on the phone tonight. Orientation is really great.
I got a long lecture about the importance of "The Sound of Music today." Apparently the Austrians don't like to talk about the movie and it is our job as teaching assistants to inform them.

Monday, September 27, 2010

It's supposed to get down to freezing where I am going tonight. I am not prepared for this. Well, I have all my clothes with me, so I'm prepared in that sense, but mentally I'm not.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Things that makes me happy in Austria:
Meeting up with other Fulbright people to ride the train tomorrow! I am going to try and show how desperate I am to be friends with them without seeming desperate.
Messages from people in the states that I already miss way too much.
I am fine.
Actually managed to eat food and drink beer and talk with people. Why do American men get so creepy in Europe? Really PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH MY KNEE, thanks.
I remember the day I went to Siena, Italy, Justina, Laura, and I got on a bus and took the short trip to my favorite city in Italy. On the bus I talked about how proud I was about being able to buy the bus ticket with ease and take a daytrip in a foreign country. That was probably two months into my time in Italy. That night, returning back to Florence from Siena, I had one of the worst nights of my life. I don't know why I am thinking about this now.
Nope, not leaving. I'm too tired and hurt too much. I'm going to read in my room and eat some chocolate, which is a really excellent meal.
Oh geeze. It's looking iffy on whether or not I will make it out of my room for dinner. It's very loud downstairs and my body hurts all over. I want it to be the caf where I can bring a book and no one can bother me.
There was a point at which I was going to write about how pretty Salzburg is and how well everything went, but then I had to drag my suitcases for like half an hour to get to the hostel and then I sat down on the bed and cried, so things seem less cheery. I haven't actually cried in a while, not since I left Chicago as life has been really good. Whenever life is really good, I leave and go to a different life.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

My mother is trying to explain to me how to ride on airplanes. The first time I rode on a plane by myself I was ten.
I like to listen to music and travel. Who doesn't like to listen to music and travel? I like to put my headphones in and feel like I'm all alone, but I don't like being alone at all. It doesn't really make any sense.
At some point I got this theory that the reason people leave is because I let them leave. So everytime I'm saying goodbye my body tells me, with no uncertainty, if I just never let go of this person, they cannot leave. This works well for five minutes until both of us realize that they have to leave and thus I let them and then I go back to my room wondering why I let them do that.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Haircut. Yes, I realize it looks exactly the same. I still feel the need to post a picture any ways.

I just had a long conversation with my cat about how I can't leave. His response was to purr and to kneed his nails into my chest.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I napped all afternoon. I just kind of shut down after any kind of activity now. -Oh, I went to Walsgreen and the bank, nap time. -Oh, I sat on the floor rolling up my clothes and putting them into a suitcae, nap time.
My mother and I are both freaking out. She is force feeding me and I am slightly hyperventilating.
I am trying to see how many posts in a row can involve the word "leaving."
More than anything I write about things that leave. Such as here. I haven't been the one to leave in a long time though.
I booked a hostel, called the credit card company. Somehow I still am in complete denial about leaving.
Leaving is going to be so hard.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I think I'm wisdom-tooth-teething.
My cat puked on the floor and my dog ate it. My pets are gross.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and felt the avocados and the mangos, but was too scared to buy either one because I'm not sure what is the right amount of squishy.
Packing packing packing packing packing.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Hardcore hail. It sounds like my house is going to fall down.

Monday, September 20, 2010

I've spent a long time learning how to be an autonomous human being. I've realized over the past couple of weeks, I am rather tired of being an autonomous human being and would like to be a human being with someone else. This of course preceeding 10 months in a foreign country. It's really little things I like the most: an arm around the back, hand on the knee.
I love going out to breakfast.
I know I've posted this prose poem before, but I love it.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Remember when I decided that I wanted to have a fantastic time before I left? Life is pretty great right now. Thinking about leaving makes me feel sick.
"Goddamnit."

Friday, September 17, 2010

Things that happened while cleaning my kitty cat's litter box:
1. I put rubber gloves on everything, including my i-pod.
2. When I lifted up the bottom of the box, there were two spiders and a millipied, all of which scattered quickly.
3. When I set down the still-lined with dry and dark litter box on the ground, my kitty cat came over to smell it as if to inspect what he had done.
4. Outside I disposed of the garbage bag only to find the garbage bag from the last time I did the task still sitting there.
5. My kitty cat ripped a hole in his litter bag. Why he would do this, I have no idea.
6. I immediately went to the showered and scoured my skin of the whole experience.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I've never been drunk and on Amazon before. I suddenly have new music. More please.
I often think about what it would like to be a semi truck driver. Not because I want to be one, but because I think there is this bizarre culture of semi drivers. Also I don't understand how they make turns.
1: I have something to tell you.
2: Uhhhh
1: I'm kind of leaving the country for 10 months.
2: What?
1: Yeah, I have a Fulbright, it's kind of a big deal.
2: Oh.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Look I do write

Part of what I wrote about the summer, which I haven't worked on in forever.

At work, I reproduce. I look at a thing and say, yes this is a thing and this is what things look like. This is how you make things.
I have been teaching art for six years. When I was eighteen I was a cashier at a department store during winter break, an associate they are called. I had a nametag. It said my name, associate. We had to wear all black. Men came up to me and asked me to help find clothing for their wives, she was my size, maybe a little bigger. After three and a half weeks I went back to college. My associate badge sat in the bottom of my purse. I pulled it out months later, covered in gum.
People ask what I make and I say things that other people have made mostly. People ask what I teach and I say it’s all very technical really.
The only memory I have of my kindergarten teacher is how once she colored in a picture of Christopher Columbus with crayon and I wanted my Christopher Columbus to look exactly like hers and it didn’t. Later that year she slipped on ice and broke her back and we had another teacher, but I don’t remember her at all.
I wanted to be an artist for a little while because in second grade I drew a bird and thought that it looked good. My Uncle tells the same story, only about himself and he is an artist. He paints a lot of rocks.
These are not applicable skills. I look at a line and make it like another line. I put lines together and I make an arm, a back. Over here, there’s shadow because that’s where the muscle lies. Art teaches that the image has meaning. The symbolic expression. The way a person can look at another person’s face and understand what they are feeling, but this never works entirely. These are the lines that make up your face, together they make you whole.
Logically, off in the distance, things become bluer.
I have a stress hive in my lip. I leave the house in 55 minutes.
It occurred to me in the shower that if I were to lose lots of weight, my legs would be really skinny and it would make me less time to shave.
This idea that people can radically change and those on the bottom become those on the top is almost a complete lie. People continue to be who they are and when they change everyone else change to and things stay even. I don't know why I am surprised that those who were terribly awkward and made me feel uncomfortable continue to do so despite the fact that it has been six years since I attended Highland Park Senior Highschool.
My eyelashes keep getting tucked under my eyelid. Usually it's just one, but this morning there was a thick black line of lash at the corner of my eye.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

People still in school are doing homework. Meanwhile I am napping with kitty cat.
All last week I woke up to find every muscle in my body sore from yoga. This week I wake up to find only my middle finger sore. What does this mean?

Monday, September 13, 2010

I have plural hives on my face. This has only happened once before in my entire life. I also vaccumed and made cookies. I must be really stressed.
I put the same amount of effort in getting ready to go to a coffee shop as I do when I'm going out with boys. I need more to do.
It's a trade-off. I feel happier this week than last week, but there are still things I'd rather be doing. I'm going to go to yoga and think upside down for awhile and then work out until my face is red and sweaty and then I'm going to try to write some poems even though I don't really have anything to say right now.
Danny said: I won't hate you if you stay here.

Like this is an option.
I'm dreading nothing and not nothing. I dread the long days of this week and next week and I desperately want them to go on forever. Secretly I decided to go to Austria while drunk and high in the Netherlands. I was somewhere very deep in my head and this desire revealed itself. Sober me is just so scared of everything.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Apparently I looked cute.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Suddenly I know why Blair wants me to dress her all the time. It's nice to have affirmation before going somewhere that you look good. I look cute, right? RIGHT?

I am going to wash all my clothes. Somehow having clean clothes makes everything seem more functional.
I once asked my dad where I was when the Berlin Wall fell and he said, "Probably the Children's Museum. We were always at the Children's Museum." That's what's weird about disasters. Everyone remember where they were and what they were doing at that moment. I was in homeroom, reading a book. I was 13 years olds. They announced over the loudspeaker that a plane had crashed into the Twin towers and fifteen minutes later they announced that another plane had crashed. We watched tv all day, even in the cafeteria. Jesse Ventura wanted to keep us in school. As I walked home military planes were flying over the golf course. I called my parents when I got home. I tried to watch tv, but the samething was on every channel. I cried a little.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I'm kind of drunk and need to leave the country immediately.
The avocado lavash wrap at Shish is super good. Avocados, tomatoes, cucumbers, pickles, lettuce, and cream cheese. I'm a fan.
I'm pretty sure my toes almost broke in yoga today. What the fuck?
I just read an article that states that females half an inch taller than me get the most sex.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I don't know what's worse. The prospect of him not caring about repeat drinks with someone who is not him or the prospect of him caring. It's like, what's worse, a coffee date gone badly or a coffee date gone well? Either one has terrible repercussions.
When my cat lived at my dad's, he almost always sat in the living room. It didn't occur to me that he sat in there because he liked all the people, I just figured he sat there because living rooms are where people sit. He's been living at my mom's for a couple of months now and he follows me constantly. He paws at the bahtroom door when I pee. He's laying next to me right now. His head hanging off the side of the bed and his fat body covering my phone. If this isn't love, I don't know what is.
I am crash working out. My body hurts everywhere. I have embarrasing balancing problems during yoga. I have embarrasingly wide hips on the elliptical machine. I am reading an embarrassing book about a guy who's wife left him for his boss, but he can't stop thinking about fucking her and any other female he comes into contact with and his dad died (but his dad dying is a minor issue compared to his libido). This book makes me think of people I know.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Getting letters makes me so happy.
Cretin girls are walking by my house talking about draammmaaaa.
The movie "The Time Traveler's Wife" was brought up every flash workshop until it became a joke and people started bringing it up purposefully. I just watch it and cried my eyes out. It's the worst thing, knowing that somehow people are terrible, that they will always always always let you down, and somehow that doesn't matter. I don't even know what my head is clinging to anymore.
Something about the fall is just really great. Even though it's grey and the trees are shaking everywhere and my legs are shaking because I was at the gym for 3 hours.
I'm trying to figure out how to heal. I'm trying to figure out what I am healing from. It's not really about him is it?
The sleepy mind is so tricky. I set my alarm so I could wake up to do something I want to do and all I can think is that, no, I do not want to do this, I just want to sleep, like there is no time to sleep, but really there is all the time to sleep.
It's so weird how everything sort of shuts down for no reason. I had a good weekend. I saw a lot of people. I was happy and now I'm just not and I can't figure out what changed when I woke up on Sunday.
I'm going to get up and go to yoga tomorrow. Whenever I go to the gym I always want to go back more and work out everyday and become really hot. This usually lasts two or three days.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Somewhere out there, a letter I have sent is traveling. I have all these fears about my little letter. What if it never arrives? What if it gets terribly beat up? What if it is not appreciated? What if there is no response. My hope is by the time I realize no response is coming I will have forgotten about it.
Got this terrible desire to go back to Knox this morning. I rather hate waking up at noon, eating, doing nothing, and then eating again. I'm pretending that I am doing Austria study abroad and hopefully by the time I get back I will be over everything. I will be ready to become a person on my own. I will be able to have conversations with people and not talk about college. Just once I want to kiss a boy who did not attend Knox as this is not happened since last summer. How am I supposed to get over people if I have no one to kiss? I never actually like the beginning of school. It's always awkward trying to remember where I fit, who I am friends with. Everyone moving in makes it seem so appealing though. I almost wish I were leaving for Austria earlier even though I am terrified.
I just killed a mosquito in my room and it got blood on my sheets.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

I feel down in a ridiculous manner tonight.
Good thing you took yourself out of my life (and I asked you to) so I don't have to worry about this.

Sometimes I feel like a bad feminist because I let boys pay for my drinks when they offer.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Geeze I feel like shit this morning. Not physically or whatever. My insides, which of course are not really things at all.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Blair and I bought trashy sunglasses for going out purposes.
My cat puked on the pretty hardwood floor in my room after his gagging body woke me up and I pushed him off my bed to puke and all of our cleaning supplies say not to use on a hardwood floor. What do I do? How am I supposed to live on my own?

Thursday, September 2, 2010

My mummy and I.

My mother's psychiatrist told her she should try to reconcile her marriage with my father. They have been divorced for ten years. My father cannot stand to be around my mother. She asked me if she should go for it. I said no. She has decided it would probably be a good idea to do it any ways. No wonder I am terrible at dealing with my feelings towards boys.