Thursday, December 30, 2010

I tried to take pictures of my dress for New Years and mostly ended up with shots of my breasts.

Wearing my dress for tomorrow right now and bright red lipstick. Took a lot of silly pictures.
Spent all day in bed. Why does that never feel as good as I think it should?

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

One of the teaching assistants from last year went back to her little town with new resolve to make friends and speak German. I am going back to my little town with new resolve to make things pass and quickly and pleasantly as possible which will probably involve a lot of tea, reading, sleeping, and travelling. This may or may not make me sort of awful and people may grumble about my terrible attitude, but I don't care.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The internet: sitting around waiting for other people to exist. Trying to remember what they are actually like.
Five and a half months. I will be home in five and a half months. My house might not be there, but I will be home. I think about it all the time. London has been marvellous. Partially because it's London and partially because it's more like home than anywhere I have been since September. I have decided the next five and a half months will fly by. Then I can be a real person. I can have real feelings for people instead of these substitute feelings. 
Katie has captured everything I've ever felt.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Story of my life:

I Make Myself Available to be Ignored.

Current plan:

Be really hard to get and everyone will want meeee.

Except the current plan led to the story of my life. Shiiiit.
So I'm pretty sure there's a person who is distinctly not talking to me. I don't blame them entirely, but I kind of want to ask them if they are not talking to me. Unfortunately, when this person is on another continent this is made very difficult and it's a very silly question to begin with because if he's not talking to me, he simply will not respond. Letter sending on Wednesday.
I went to see Somewhere. Part way through I started feeling like I had no personality or identity. Then the main character voiced pretty much all of the thoughts I was having. It was a very effective film. See it if you want to feel lost/already feel lost. I keep feeling surprised when I see my face in the morning. It's like I expect it to be different, uglier, everyday and it's not. It has become a non-issue. Like working. Like pretty much everything. The biggest issue I have is how little I care about almost everything.
I think about food and boys almost all the time. What do other people think about?
I've been dreaming a lot. My thoughts are so wasteful. It's like I just make them up so I have something to think about, but I cannot possibly sustain this thought process until June, can I?

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I am a more honest person when I write letters than I am at any other time. This is why I don't send them most of the time.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas everyone!

I have a terrible headache. I think this is due to the massive amount of wine and champagne I have consumed in the past two days. Asking for headache medication sounds rather difficult, so I am just going to continue to sit here in slight pain.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Ran around with Arthur while he did last minute Christmas shopping and thought about how I really just like everyone and like myself.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Sleepiest person ever. We kept talking about going out tonight, but I am so fucking sleepy. I think I might go take a bath and then sleep.
I am sort of pining for many things and all of them illogical and surpringing. London is lovely though. I went to bed a bit wine drunk and quite pleased last night. Especially pleased that I was sleeping in a bed bigger than a twin with more than one pillow and I was very warm and cozy. Today I saw lots of things, but if you want me to name them I cannot. I guess it is not terribly shocking that I keep thinking about Dylan Thomas because the last time I saw most of the things I was with the Dylan Thomas class. I want to tell all sorts of people (one person) about all of this.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Also, read this, it's hilarious.
Off to London. The last time I was off to London I was with 42 or so Americans that I didn't know very well and I was feeling rather apprehensive. Of course the trip turned out amazingly and I still communicate with some people from the trip regularly. I hope this turns out similarly.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I had a minor crisis so I walked a couple of miles and bought some chocolate (not for me). Now I have a headache, which is a bigger crisis than my other crisis that's not even a crisis at all because nothing can come of it. It's just feelings that refuse to leave even after months and months and months and it confuses me utterly.
There is this dog wandering around Mcdo's. It's great.
Things I did at work today:
Received Christmas presents from teachers.
Ate chocolate minty things from teacher in training.
Knit some more.
Talked to a lot of teachers about my knitting.
Ate a sausage wrapped in bread and enjoy it surprisingly much considering I don't like sausage.
Ate piles of Christmas cookies.
An intense sort of morning crabbiness. I think the reason I am thinking of the things that I am thinking of because-

AHHHH my jam is moldy.

I think I am thinking of the things that I am thinking of because whenever I go somewhere new or go back to somewhere old, all I think of is what happened there the last time. I am being real vague. Oh well.

Toast with just butter is not the same. This is probably the biggest conundrum of living alone. I find it quite impossible to consume all of the food I buy before it goes bad. Even bell peppers, which I eat every single day for at least one meal, if not two, still manage to go bad on occasion. It's rather frustrating.

Monday, December 20, 2010

I am reading a book based on a movie. I want my kindle right now. Also I've decided I need a crush in this country, because having one in another country is working out poorly for me.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I think I have randomly chosen people to think about and pine after because I'm bored. Most of the time I spend no time thinking about them and then when I have nothing else to think about I sit here and go "I wish they were on facebook. Probably in the future I should date this person." This is mostly harmless as 1. They are in a different country from me. 2. I don't actually want to date them/have the chance to date them in the future. 3. I just picked people I have liked in the past. 4. I picked people (let's be honest, person) who is not completely apathetic to me either. What worries me more is the fact that I can't seem to survive happily without thinking of some boy, somewhere.
I had a dream that my mom was a serial killer and another dream that I am not going to bring up and now I am awake at 4:30 in the morning. This is probably also because I went to sleep at 9.

So weekend: Friday went to Linz. Made dinner with Maddie and William and then proceeded to get very drunk at the Christmas party. Had a white elephant gift exchange. I got vodka. Of course. Because I really needed to get drunker than I already was after drinking sekt and rum. We went to a bar. I kept pretending I was in the U.S. by closing my eyes. Parts of the evening were slightly uncomfortable, but it was mostly okay.

Saturday somehow managed to still be alive and get a train to Salzburg where I met up with Becca and we went to the Christmas market. I ate a giant pizza pretzel (a pretzel with cheese and seasonings) and drank some gl├╝hwein and then we went to an Irish pub where there were lots of English speakers. I proceeded to start out the night of drinking very enthusiastically and then we went to a Christmas party full of teaching assistants from various countries, including English ones that I hadn’t seen since orientation. Since I was drunk, I managed to talk to a lot of people and dance a lot and stay out until quite late again.

Some other thoughts: An anonymous person was making out with one of the French teaching assistants who did not speak English or German. When it was time to go he said, “Get your shit together.” She did not understand and so he wandered around looking for someone to translate “Get your shit together.”

While it’s really terribly sad when other people feel noticeably hurt (noticeably to the point that I can tell they are hurting though I don’t even know their name), it sort of makes me feel better. Like, oh thank god, other people have shit in their lives and feel awful about it. Boys are such dicks (this is a statement for other people. Boys aren't particularly being dicks to me at the moment as there are very few boys that exist in my life right now.) 
Successful very very very drunk weekend. More later.

Friday, December 17, 2010

I have an urge to buy a really excessive amount of wine tonight.
Hurray! I finally feel like I am in the Christmas spirt. I've been a bit of a Scrooge this year and by bit of a Scrooge I haven't been my normal Christmas-crazy self. Today however, I feel wholly Christmassy. I am wearing lots of red, I stuffed my face full of delicious Christmas cookies in one of my classes and we took a really fun Christmas quiz. Christmas parties for the next two days. While I really want it to be January, I kind of want Christmas to continue on forever.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I don't think I can come back next year. I have thought about it, a lot, which is sort of ridiculous because I spent hours and hours of everyday feeling homesick. I think I want to come back because I want to be the type of person who lives abroad for a long time, who isn't stuck in the same place. I have commitment phobia with St. Paul. I just like it too much, I might never leave. Next year though, I think I need to be at home.
Went to a Christmas party in Wels only to find out there was snow everywhere and a lot of the people were big sissies and did not go. This did not dampen my spirits however, as I was so happy to be out and about in the world that I got sort of drunk and missed the train I meant to ride. This also did not dampen my spirits as I decided I could just sleep on someone's couch in Linz and take the early train back to Freistadt. The train was coming at 11:30, so we had our beers and then made plans to leave, but oh wait, our train was one hour and seventeen minutes delayed! So we had more beers and ate kebabs and happily made it to the train several minutes before the train pulled in at 12:50. There were some teenagers waiting to get on the train before us and the conductors actively started pushing them out of the train. Somehow it didn't occur to us that we wouldn't be able to get on the train if they couldn't get on the train until it started pulling away! So we called Holly and five people ended up spending the night in her room. I was very thirsty as I had drank a good amount of beer, but my mattress was on the floor in front of the door and I couldn't figure out how I would possibly be able to get out and so I lay there despairing for a long time. In the morning we finally managed to catch and train back to Linz and then I am ashamed to say I went to Mcdonald's for breakfast and it was so unsatisfying. Filled with grease on the inside, I caught my bus, slept most of the ride, went to school without changing, but the teacher I was supposed to help was already gone (I called in, so I'm not in trouble) and then stumbled home to shower, eat and sleep.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

My plan for the winter: sit in my bed with my kindle and drink tea and eat cookies all day long.
Am now reading Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. Feel reassured as other people in the world (in books) feel exactly as I do. Feel not reassured as they are supposed to be ten years older than me and they talk fondly about their days as a twenty-two year old. This means that ten years from now I could be exactly like I am today. I want to start writing my blog like how Bridget writes, but imagine that would quickly become annoying and I would loose all male readers (of which there are probably few to begin with). Also, I found my phone! I went to the Secreteriat looking very sad and told her I forgot my phone the day before and she held it up and I got all smiley and happy. I should lose things more often just so I can find them again. May or may not be going to Christmas party in Wels. It would be about three hours of traveling (an hour and a half there and back) for 3-4 hours of fun. But I might go, just because there are a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time and I love Christmas and I love parties and I kind of even like traveling places for a long time and it would be something to do.
Going to London in a week. This is what I tell myself anytime I feel remotely bad.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

If you don't read any of my 500 posts today, you must at least click this link and add to this project. (This was sent by an anonymous source)
Yeah, so I'm totally and completely against the Kindle and all e-books, but I just ordered one. Since in Austria, I've been reading one or two books at day. Most of my book supply comes from a school library with an English sections made for English language learners. Right now I am reading a young adult book about a girl who is a little fat so she becomes anorexic. I read almost all of it at lunch time. There is so much good literature in the world and this is what I choose to consume. Thus, I am buying a Kindle with 3G. I am going to be so well read by June.
If exes reblog all the same things does that mean they still like each other?

I can always tell when someone stops liking me when they stop reading my blog. However, I can't always tell when someone is reading my blog so this is not an 100% accurate measurement.
Blair is coming to Europe in March!!!!!!!!! I might have a new episode of the Office to watch tonight!!!!!!! I am reading annoying tumblrs where they use a lot of !!!!!!!!!
Sometimes when I am in Mcdonald's I get a whiff of french fry smell and all I want to do is eat fries, but I resist.
A baby keeps smiling at me. He is now looking at my computer screen and sitting next to me. What a great kid.

Note: I am waiting for something to download, thus why I am compulsively posting.
Minnesota was in international news for how much fucking snow it got last weekend. All the teachers were so excited to share this news with me today. It was nice.
I forgot my phone at school. It's really fucking cold. I'm reading a bad book. There are no kindles in stock. I want to be in the US. My tea is cold. I have to work tomorrow afternoon.

Okay, I'm done bitching, anymore and I would just be making things up.

Monday, December 13, 2010

I talked to my mom and she only cried at the end and she acted like the house was still going to be there when I go home. As long as everyone keeps pretending.

OH my brother told my mom that if she made them take my cat back to my dad's house they were just going to bring it to the humane society they hate him so much so my darling precious cat is living with my mom's exboyfriend until I get home. Ridiculous.
I walked to the faraway grocery store for something to do even though all of my groceries could be obtained nearby. It is very cold outside. While there I saw a kid bundled up in a snowsuit with one of the tiny grocery carts running around with a grin on his face and I remembered being a kid and my parents going to the shady Rainbow grocery store in Midway that had a place to buy ice cream cones and every time we went I got ice cream and this is probably why I still love grocery shopping so much, I was conditioned to like it as a very small child.
In order to conserve internet I am now typing into a word document and will paste it later.

When I was 14 I had a journal on an old laptop my dad got for free from work. I kept it double password protected and was terrified that someone would somehow find it as it contained all my deepest darkest secrets (largely things about boys). At the end of high school, when I hadn’t been writing in the journal for at least a few years I tried to turn the laptop on and I was sad when it didn’t work.

I always feel awful when I wake up. Thus I have decided I need to think of ways to avoid waking up or somehow make waking up really pleasant. Maybe I should start taping really happy poems by my bed. First thoughts when waking up “Ugh, my alarm is going off. Sleeping was so nice. Am I really still in Austria? If I were waking up in the US to go to the Art Academy, would I be happier? Yes. Why is it so cold? Where is the water leaking into my bathroom coming from? Do I really have to do this entire day? What am I going to do today? Nothing!” Shortly after these minor crises however, I realized I have several activities I want to do, like grocery shopping (possibly twice), buying shampoo, conditioner, and toilet paper, finish editing a story for a friend (anyone else want feedback? I am desperately missing workshops), finish writing a letter to Monica (I’m still not sure if she will reply, but I don’t know), write letters to Krista and Maya, finished reading the first Harry Potter, and start writing a short story. These things are only slightly comforting.

I want long, pretty hair. Instead my hair vaguely resembles a bird’s nest unless I straighten it. 

I am a bell pepper person

The teacher I was supposed to be with this period isn't here. Instead I'm looking up recipes for creamy bell pepper pasta. Yummm.
The best part about Austria: Bread and chocolate. The irony of the fact that this is a coffee shop in St. Paul does not escape me.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I just talked to my dad and brother on the phone. I am often mystified as to how I was primarily raised by my dad and spent a lot of time with my brother, as they are both very different people from me (you know, athletic, unemotional), but it was really really really lovely to talk to them. They were stuck inside the entire weekend due to a blizzard in Minnesota and I was sort of jealous that they got to be home (where I desperately want to be) for the whole weekend. Granted, if I were there I would've gone crazy and Kevin and I would've argued, but still it would be home. I always forget what little input my family has on my life. I asked them whether or not they thought I should come back and they basically had no feelings on the topic. They told me to call my mother, but I don't want to. I just want to pretend her house isn't being foreclosed and that I will go home and everything will be fine.

Side note: I had an excellent time in Braunau this weekend. Lots of food, wine, and talking. Really good.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Becca has this cat, Blackie (an Austrian named it) and it's really friendly and I love it, but it drools everywhere and it's super gross.
Got wine drunk with Becca and Maddie and it was lovely. Fell asleep with a smile on my face (I very much remember literally smiling) feeling quite satisfied. Had a bunch of very significant dreams which I promptly forgot. Going to lots of Christmas markets today.

Friday, December 10, 2010

I really like teaching. I get all smiley and happy. Even when I am talking about the Columbine shootings. It's kind of awkward. I wish I had been able to teach more than four hours this week. I probably would've been much happier.
I had a dream I was dating someone I found entirely unappealing and the only reason I was dating them was because I was flattered that they liked me.

Waking up at 7:30 is vastly better than 6:30 because at least it's sort of light outside.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

It's really hard to predict anything at all. I sort of thought that I would be terribly lonely at this point, but I didn't understand what terribly lonely meant. I talked about it the way I talk about the monsters that come when I turn out the light. They might not be real, but there is a possibility that they are real and if they are real it would be atrocious. Therefore all my statements of "I will be so lonely," were not truly heartfelt, as they could not be. Except now the loneliness is here and moving about my insides in all sorts of ways. It's worse than I thought and even worse than that it makes me angry. I realize I am the only person responsible for my well being and happiness and thus to put blame for any of my unhappiness onto anyone is entirely ridiculous, so most of the time I am angry at myself, for being unable to be as happy as I want to be while I am alone in a little town. Other times I become angry at people, but it's misplaced anger.

I do have things to be excited for. This weekend I am going to Braunau to make Christmas cookies with Becca and if you know me at all, you must know how I love baking and cooking. On Wednesday the Upper Austria teaching assistants are getting together in Wels. I just hope my school doesn't actually schedule me for that afternoon. The following weekend I am going to Nuranberg to go the second best Christmas market in the world and the following week I am going to London for Christmas. After London I am traveling somewhere (who knows where) with a couple of the TAs. Therefore, there is absolutely no reason I should be unhappy. I will probably be mostly happy while doing these things. Hopefully I won't cry ever. I want it to be enough, I want to be happy enough for it to lift me out of what I'm feeling. I want everything to be so good.
I went to work. I sat there and read for four hours. I finished Schlepping through the Alps and got halfway through Atonement. I taught zero classes. I want to teach classes. I really like teaching classes. No one told me to teach any classes. No one made me a schedule. I talked to the teachers. Said hello to all of them. I talked to non English teachers. But no, no work for me. I considered while I was sitting there that perhaps I have an American view towards work. I want to be working all the time. I need work to be satisfied. The fact that I work very hard is a matter of pride to me. Perhaps this is why I get so frustrated when I go abroad, no one ever gives me enough work to do.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

My head is cloudy.
I went to Linz today and taught William how to knit and drank hot chocolate and listened to Christmas music and it was really great. It's weird how when I talk about how sad I am I don't actually feel sad and then I get on the bus and feel sad all over. William gave me some vitamin D. If there is no sun, might as well take it in pill form right? I am very tired and very hungry and I thought of a million things to say on my blog earlier, but am now too famished to post any of them. Maybe tomorrow.
I need something really great to make me forget I was ever feeling bad. I am hoping London will do this. Remember the last time I was in the UK and I spent months afterwards wanting to be back in that time in my life?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Me: Why am I not tired? 
Julia: Because you don't do very much stuff that makes you tired?
Me: That's true. 
I just want to go to sleep. I finished my book. I watched some shows. Why am I so not sleepy?
Box of cookies now on nightstand. Almost halfway through novel and it's only 8:28. I have decided from now on I am not going to eat dinner before eight, that way when I am done it will basically be bed time.
I'm gonna keep reading chick lit about dieting and then I'm going to eat some cookies.
I made a giant bowl of pasta for dinner and read chick lit about a woman starting a dieting website. Really good.
Sometimes one of my schools forgets to do things with me. I got to school at 7:50 this morning and was there until 12:10 and I didn't do a single thing besides read. This would be nice if I were not a workaholic with not enough work. I need a form a support group: Bored Workaholics.
I am now effectively living my life where I sleep through all the hours of daylight (with the exception of one or two hours when I am at work). No wonder I am depressed.
Tumblr started working again and now I am using all my internet to look at all the (really excellent) (a couple of really dumb) tumblrs that I follow. Had a dream about Linz and trains and a girl with no teeth. She was pretty nice though. It's 4AM. I want to go home and sit in my dad's house and watch Christmas movies and knit and go to yoga everyday except when I am too scared to drive in the snow and then hang out with Danny in the evenings.

This is the post I was writing when my internet crashed. Then I went and cried for 2 hours for reasons I still don't understand. I have been crying abnormally much and I normally cry a lot. I am slightly concerned about myself, but have decided that the holidays will make everything feel better. Mostly the problem is that I don't know what's wrong.

Monday, December 6, 2010

I want to make dinner, but it's the only fun thing I have to do this evening so I am trying to sit here and waste time. This is silly. Maybe I will write letters after dinner.
Epic days of boredom. I told myself I would not nap because what else am I going to do tonight besides sleep? But I did nap for two and a half hours. I will try to fill my time with movie watching and letter writing and walking to the faraway grocery store and making vastly complex (very simple) food for dinner.

I realized today that despite my awful anxiety, I escaped a lot of the worst things people with anxiety do. I don't have OCD. I leave my house. My social anxiety is so low that only the best of my friends notice when I am highly uncomfortable in a situation.

Another thing: I am so glad that neither me nor any of my friends have gotten accidentally pregnant.

My dad might be going to Brussels on February. Maybe I can see him. I would be so happy. I miss my dad a lot.

I am going to walk through the dark and the snow and the slush to the faraway grocery store and get things that only faraway grocery stores have. It will be lovely.
Oh my god. Due to some bored facebook stalking I discovered this site. Of course, the discussion was over whether it was stupid or not. I think it's great. But then, the one poem I ever got into Catch was about leaving anonymous love letters.
I miss the people who love me almost unconditionally no matter how much I cry or fuck up or worry about things. I say almost unconditionally because there are things I can do to make them not love me, as I have done a couple of these things, mostly unintentionally. But yes, I do miss this.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Things that happened this weekend:
Met up with Becca in Linz. Drank a cafe latte in Mcdo's. Bought some yarn to make mittens for Julia. Ran into Erin in H&M. Watch the devils parading around (because St. Nick and devils have a lot in common). Followed the devils to really fun music. Click to see a picture of what said devils looked like.  Went to the grocery store. Bought vodka. Was carded because I look younger than eighteen apparently? Met up with Party Jim and Jaden. Went to the Christmas market and had some gluehwein. Went to a Vietnamese restaurant. Had some noodles. Pregamed at Jaden's with a bottle of wine and vodka. Arthur came! Ate some Reese's. Showed up to Panta's party very drunk. Won a round of beer pong. Continued to get drunker. Talked drunkenly to lots of people. Played another round of beer pong. Ate some point I came out into the hallway and didn't see anyone I knew and sat on the floor and chainsmoked and cried. I don't understand any of the logic behind these actions. Talked to Joe. Talked to Maddie. Went back downstairs and told everyone how much I loved them except the people I don't love. Cried and danced. Apparently stayed out until 4:30. Cried in the taxi. Woke up and felt very homesick.
Do not be mistaken. I am not pining. I am sad because I am not happy anymore, but I am not pining. If anything I'm pining for people that used to be in my life years ago.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Morning is the worst. That's what I forget to constantly censor my thoughts and for about five seconds everything I don't like about my life comes rushing in. Then I spent a while trying to get back to my normal level of censorship. It's kind of like when someone shows  a nipple or says fuck on live television.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Here's the email I got from Itunes:

Dear Tasha,

I am sorry that you have experienced difficulties while attempting to update your account information. I know how eager you must be to have this issue resolved. I am here to help.

Please try again in 24 hours. If you are still unable to update your account information, let me know.

Take care, Tasha.



What if it doesn't work? How do I ever contact my bestie Matt again? 
I don't want to see yo' face.
Today during class I looked out the window at the hills surrounding Freistadt. I saw two dogs, sitting in a doorway, curling up through the snow. It was so wonderful. I just smiled through class. And it was silly. And I can feel my bottle of wine. But that's why I bought a bottle of wine. So I could feel it.
I don't know how to write good poems, so I am writing shitty poems. They are, at least, poems.
I have successfully napped until 6:45. This is really good.
Why is it when people say nice things that I like it so much that I cry? This makes no sense to me.
A side note: school made me very happy today.

Another side note: I did cry a bit earlier. I was thinking about how I get so self-conscious about stating any sort of unhappiness because I feel like it makes people like me less. Then it occurred to me that I didn't particularly care about how people, boys in particular, felt about me and furthermore, I am more self conscious when I feel that there is some sort of concern involved, something unspoken that's left to be said, but I am quite certain there is no concern and nothing left to be said, so I will be left to be unhappy as much as I please.
Oh dear. Everything just welled up in my eyes all at once. This is not to say I am crying at all, but momentarily my eyes hurt, like they were going to try. It's like, you know how you can tell yourself something repeatedly and you really mostly believe all of it and then all the sudden something little sneaks in and you realize that pretty much everything you ever say to yourself is utter bullshit? Yeah.
Looks like I'm staying in Freistadt tonight. I alternate between being perfectly okay with this, terribly bored, and wanting to cry about it. I bought a bottle of wine to cheer myself up about it. Spent approximately 30 seconds debating whether buying a bottle of wine for myself because I'm sad means I have a drinking problem. Decided if it does, I don't care, I am going to drink it any way. Bought 2gb of internet in case of severe loneliness later.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

To be fair, this about how poorly I feel when I go to Dunn's by myself in St. Paul. So I feel pretty ordinary. I hate feeling ordinary. I like being happy. Fuccccck.
The email I should've written
Dear Itunes, you motherfucker,
I live in a tiny town in Austria. I don't have wifi most of the time. To my knowledge there is no place to buy a goddamn movie in the entire town. Recently I have largely stopped talking to both of the people I talked to more than anyone in the whole world for the past few weeks so I tell everything to my blog. My blog, unsurprisingly, does not respond to anything. In order to stave off the terrible loneliness I constantly listen to music and read books and watch tv shows. I only have 2 tv shows on my computer. I've watched season 3 of 30 Rock about 5 times since I've been here. I wasn't even trying to buy shows. I was trying to watch free shows. I would torrent things, but the download speed in Mcdonald's where I am forced to use internet is too slow. So fuck you Itunes, for robbing me of the one joy I have in life on the week days.
I want someone to be a fuck up with me. But I don't want either of us to actually have any problems.
I just sent I-Tunes an email. I fully expect them to send me all of every television show ever created in order to make up for the pain and suffering they have caused me.
I miss hulu. Austria would be 500 times better if hulu worked here. And I had wifi.
I am starting to see the appeal of hermitage. When I don't see anyone I don't really have any feelings about anything. I went to the store to buy more internet and there was such a long line that I left and got a stress hive on my face. I expect someday something so bad will happen that my entire face will turn into a hive. However, mostly only minor bad things happen so I only get one hive at a time that goes away within an hour. My face has returned to its normal state.

Sometimes when I am by myself I get really happy. I turn on music. I sing along to music. Even in my drunkest of states I don't sing along to music because I am so atrociously bad at it. Alone I sing. I dance. I rap, except I can't really rap so I skip every few words.

A boy is staring at me. I don't know if it's because I'm American or because he's a creep. I don't know if idle staring makes a person a creep.

Sometimes when I am by myself I get really removed. I watch my hand fill a pot of water. I watch my hand stir the potatoes. I amaze myself with my own functionality. The way things become habitual.

Often when I am by myself I think about how I am by myself and all the people I would rather be with. I want to go to Knox. I think I am so excited for the party on Saturday because I want it to be like parties at Knox, but it won't be. It's like I expect everyone from college to suddenly show up. I expect the music to sound like music played at parties in the US. Of course neither of these things will happen. I will go, I will get drunk, I will be overly self-conscious the whole time and thus will try to be extra happy and outgoing to compensate (but this is how I felt at all Knox parties last spring to be fair and I did have a good time). I miss my room with my bed next to the window where I could sleep with the lights on all I wanted to.

I am trying to buy tv shows on itunes, but it keeps telling me I have entered faulty card information for all of my cards and I am not entering faulty information for any of them. This is terrible.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I felt okay and then I didn't feel okay. Let's blame things happening in Dexter.
I wish when I were upset someone would just have sex with me like what happens in tv shows and German movies. Instead I am just sad by myself or I watch people having sex in tv shows and movies.
The whole time I've been here I've been shocked at how mostly well behaved Austrian students are. My opinion was entirely changed today by one class who 1) ate during class 2) talked while I was talking 3) walked around the room while I was talking 4) did each other's hair while they were supposed to be reading 5) spoke constantly in German to each other 6) went on their phones 7) took pictures. While this is a very good picture of what American schools are like all the time, it was horribly discouraging.

But on the bright side the cashier made some comment to me how it was snowing really hard (or this is what I decided she said as I can't understand Austrian German) and it made me happy that even though I come in all the time and am a dumb American they still talk to me like a normal person.
I like to pretend I am a snooty academic. This is not to say that I am not a snooty academic, for I certainly am. I like to get into conversations about literature, and art and all sorts of snooty, upper middle class academic sort of things that have no application in the real world. Sometimes though, just sometimes, I like to read books like Bridget Jone's Diary. When going through a break up last spring I sat on the couch in Julia's apartment, ordered a pizza and sat on the couch watching 30 Rock with a tub of ice cream until the pizza came and then continued eating ice cream once the pizza was gone.  Luckily, here, I cannot order pizza online for delivery (if I cannot be bothered to call and order pizza in a country where I speak the language fluently, the idea that I would call here is completely absurd) and thus I make food so instead of staring at myself in the mirror, wondering why I had to eat all the pizza and all the breadsticks and all the ice cream and watch all the television shows in existance, I spent approximately 5 seconds in the mirror this morning feeling pleased and wondering if I have lost weight, which is something I rarely think. I've lost my point. What I was saying was, sometimes I like things like Chick lit and romantic comedies.

I like to pretend I am not a conventional person. I have never been under the illusion that I am pretty in any conventional sense and thus when people find me attractive, it's some sort of fluke. I talk about how I don't want to get married for a long time, how I don't want to live in the suburbs, I don't care about money. I do believe these things most of the time. Sometimes though, like last night, I get these horrible desires to live in a house in the suburbs. There is some sort of bland suburban-type man in the picture. Someone who is blindly devoted not out of deep love, because having a lot of love makes things really complicated, but because this is what people do. Writing will be some sort of charming hobby. I want to own a mini-van. Boys always tell me I am "sweet" and "cute." I don't particularly want to be these things. It reveals a horrible vulnerability inside of me and I think this is why all my relationships end so quickly, because this vulnerability is scary to people, though I explain, countless times, I am perfectly okay by myself. I think I was born one way and I want to be something completely different.

This is what I have looked like all week. Only I sit around in a wife beater, shorts, and a hoodie. 
Writing poems and listen to P.O.S instead of preparing for school. This is who I am supposed to be.
I'm really glad I have two more classes today that I have no idea what I'm doing in. I don't even know where one of the classes is. Really good.