Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I believe the term is homesick. Other terms may include: miss, missing, longing, yearn, yearn, St. Paul, my cat, my dog, people I like a lot, M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I, Art Academy, my dad, my brother, satisfaction.
I need to leave this place.
Dear head,
What is inside of you?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I am fairly certain being stressed feels like getting punched in the face, but I've never been punched in the face before, so I don't know.

Monday, April 27, 2009

I failed a German test this morning. I probably didn't actually fail, but I did horribly. That does not put me in a good mood. Also, where did everyone go? Perhaps I got significantly more boring recently. It's possible, I've been flatlining.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

1. I made good decisions with my Saturday. First I colored with sidewalk chalk with a friend and then it rained shortly after our coloring and all of our pictures got washed away. Then German club got together and drank beer and spoke German and it was really excellent. Then I headed over to a poetry slam, held by Marc Smith, the creator of poetry slams and our table got to be one of the judges! I got rather intoxicated after drinking at the German event and drinking at the poetry slam. A couple of my professors were there, one of them performed, which was fun. I always find it quite strange running into professors after I've been drinking. After that I went to sleep, as my goal for the evening was to not go to any of the five parties that were occurring on campus. In my drunken state I was almost convinced to go, but sleep was a much better choice.

2. There needs to be a word to describe the state that I am in right now. I might be happy, but I think I only label myself as that because I'm not sad. Happy still doesn't seem right though, because I'm not exactly happy. I just am going through the motions and I'm not frequently getting upset when I do it.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Happiness is so dangerous. I am happy for tomorrow because I have a plan. I have three plans actually. I am happy for the future because the school year will end and I will be home and I will be happy. I cannot figure out why I am happy right now, but I am happy.

You know those little lies you tell yourself to make yourself feel better? Sometimes they are true. Sometimes I am a vindictive, spiteful person, and this too will come back to me.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Nature Becomes Irrellevant In A Language I Cannot Understand

I consider again,
what happens may be irrelevant.

I think about trees.
They like to stand always,
it's been a particularly hard year.
They like to stand always.
Dutch elm disease was not indifferent.

When I am small,
I am like a flower
but not like one of those that dies
every year, but the kind that relives
in the summer.
I consider again what happens
may be irrelevant.

This applies to love.
Like how I love you, I loved
him and he only loves
the feeling of stones
after they have been sitting in water.

Ted Hughes Killed Sylvia Plath and Other Male Poets

He wrote a poem in which he said
I love you but
I am always in love in the springtime.
She didn't say anything
when he shaved his head,
smoked cigarettes by the train tracks
and traded favors of which she
was more worthy of.

The next time
anybody heard from him
He was living in a trailer
in love with a girl,
but he was always in love with a girl
in the springtime.
It's sunny outside today. I have poetry to post later. These two sentences are unrelated. A better sentence: it was cloudy a few days ago and I wrote some poetry. Or: I was bored in German class and reading poetry I only half understood and so I wrote some poetry.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Peach pie tastes distinctly different from apple pie.
My back is peeling. It's really foul. This is why Minnesotans should not sit in the sun for four hours without sunscreen. It was nice while it lasted.



In other news: I am really confused. I'm not even sure what I'm confused about. I feel like I'm blindly guessing how I feel about everything is my life and I'm confused about all of it. I don't feel that bad though, I'm just confused. I am really excited for the school year to end. I know that much.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Why am I so uncomfortable when people are affectionate around me? I suppose I have trouble with my affection as well, except when I've been drinking.

I am reading poems by Ted Hughes

She was in love with a poet
a problem within itself.
Nobody should ever be in love
with poets and poets should definitely never be
in love with one another.

An agreement could be arranged perhaps?
I can take the bottle and you will take the suicide.
We can have sex on the kitchen table
because we both like the idea
not because it is comfortable.

I spent hours walking around without you
because I wanted to be melancholy.
How am I supposed to write
when you make me so goddamn happy?

If I stick my head in the oven,
there will be something to say.
I want you
to break me and then I will write a poem
about nature.
I've been feeling good lately.

Things that make me happy:
1. German Club
2. Reliable people
3. People to live with next year
4. A good lottery number
5. Sunshine
6. Guacamole
7. The approach of summer
8. St. Paul
9. People that will be in the Twin Cities this summer

Monday, April 20, 2009

1.
Perhaps we should give her an award
the satisfaction she gets
You are so beautiful
As if that were indicative of anything.

2.
For a woman to say she is not
beautiful, is taken as blasphemy
equally as subjective as
the quality of the air after it has been raining.

3.
I am not beautiful.
No rebellion has been staged.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I am so bored.
I know no one will believe me, but it's nice to have consensus on things.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Everyday is a surprise where I don't know what I'll feel.
I talked to Colin. It was nice.

More deleted things.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Drinking Wine on a Thursday Night

I chase
my birth
control pill
down with a bottle
of wine.

It sticks
to my tongue,
stays as a lump
in the throat.

It's not even the right day.
I want to be close to someone.

Glass feels different from skin
distinctly in hardness.
But my hand holds
the bottle as if the bottle
were flesh
and if the liquid were emotional closeness
with it.

It's not even the right day.
I want to be somewhere else.

Sunny Days

I am evaporated
until I lie in a puddle
that drips through the wooden boards

and still thought remains of us
as a collective and us dripping
together.
I just got overwhelmed by a lot of thoughts all at once. The large majority weren't bad. Okay.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Oh no. I just wrote about the virgin/whore dichotomy in "Are you there God? It's Men, Margaret."
I feel good. A state that is static, but I thought I should say so regardless.
I have an intense desire to do nothing.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I think it is a mistake to assume that everyone thinks as you do. I also think it is a mistake to assume that they don't and try to interpret things. I think this is why my story is giving me trouble. I am trying to strike a balance between the male character as being like me and not like me. I tend to go too much one direction. Not to say this only applies to my story. I think it applies to most everyone in my life, but I have problems being straight forward. I frequently want to ask, "Can you please just state everything you've ever said to me in simpler terms?" Of course, I do not.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Here's what we should do:
I keep waking up early in the morning. Saturday I thought it was because of alcohol, Sunday because of my roommate, but I think today it was dreams. I wish I was still sleeping. I wish I was still sleeping and didn't dream about things that are slightly worrying to me.

On a side note: I want to go somewhere and do something. I suggest that Illinois obtains some mountains so I can walk about in them.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

I need to stop taking literature classes. Life doesn't work the way text does. Otherwise you would be able to make logical arguments about things that happened.
Two comments on interactions with people:

1. Some people have never learned how to respond appropriately.

For example:
A: I am doing all these really exciting things in my life.
B: I am doing all these really exciting things in my life too.

2. I am the worst person at saying "hello" to people I know ever.

For example:
A: Hey (and a wave)
B: Uhhh (sort of half wave)
This is my preference order of work:

1. Reading for young adult literature.
2. Writing for advanced writing.
3. Not reading for 200-level German lit
4. Doing reading/writing work for 300-level German.

This is the work I have done

1. Read every book except one for the entire term of young adult lit, including two extra books.
2. Written 32 pages for advanced writing.
3. Very little reading for 200-level German lit
4. A lot of procrastination on 300-level German. I've watched movies, gone for walks, joined clubs, started clubs, gone to the bank, cleaned my room.
What do you like in Omelets?

Easter

During Easter when I was ten, my dad went for a bike ride on the trail by the Mississippi. The river was flooded. He decided to steer with his right hand and break with his left to avoid going into the big flooded puddle. He flew off the front of his bike and fractured his face in several places. If he hadn't been wearing a helmet, he probably would be a vegetable. When you are ten and you hear your father could have been a vegetable it's really easy to start imagining him as a carrot. Needless to say, we did not go to Easter brunch. I think that might have been the year we stopped going to brunch. My dad still has a crooked nose.
I should mention that I feel rather peaceful at the moment. That's the only way I can describe it, but it is probably the wrong word.
I'm really confused. Not in a bad way. In the sort of way that I just took a really long shower and thought about lots of things. Mostly abstract things. I'm just so confused. Thank god I am not a philosophy minor/major. I would lose it.
I question: Should I just stay in this place where I feel like I'm floating around and everything kind of happens around me? Or should I come back down and let things happen for real? I'm not sure.

I question: How do I come back down?

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Dandelions

She said
You've lost faith in humanity.

Ripening in the sun
the dandelion bursts
open and becomes
like snow.

I blew
on the ball
watched the seeds go
flying. Made a love
chant, which too floated
in the air.

Instead there were more
dandelions.
A world wide weed.
They are tasty
when fried, eaten whole.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Julia and I were conversing the other night about conversing. When a nice conversation occurs, it is such a lovely feeling. There is a wonderful connection with that person without actually touching the person and even if the conversation was not about the personal life of a person, you feel like you understand them better. On the flip side of this, when one is having a bad conversation (not bad as in an argument, bad as in lackluster) there is the distinct feeling that this person has momentarily ruined your life with their inability to converse properly.
I have a secret fantasy of being a secretary because I really like to organize things. I am currently living the dream. However, the phone isn't ringing and I have nothing to do, so I am only half living the dream.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Being Ignored

Sometimes I feel things and I think, "This is the worst feeling ever." This is not the worst feeling ever. This is like being stung by a bee. It stings and I worry that later it will swell and become immovable. I'm blaming it on awkwardness on both of our accounts. I recognize that for ignoring to occur, we both have to actively not say anything. I get too nervous to say anything, always. But you don't make the effort and I think that's worse. Maybe I will start making an effort? Maybe I will back away completely?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I have no emotional retention anymore. I looked for the right words in the thesaurus, but the right words don't exist and I started going in word circles. I just deleted half my post. This is where the words are going. My mind is acting like a Dan Brown book full of bad mystery. What happened in the depths of the frontal cortex? Will the protagonist ever find the words again? What about the Pope? My mind is like a bad Dan Brown novel without the Pope. I can't remember if I just posted a blog. I will post this one anyways.
I am German Club President! Hurray!

When I went to go see Danny over spring break he said, "This is the best thing that has ever happened to me." I said, "No it's not." That's kind of how I feel right now, "This is the best thing that has ever happened to me, except not really, but it feels so good right now I am going to pretend it is."

Monday, April 6, 2009

Dear Advanced Writing Professor,
My project is very emotionally overwhelming. I hate both my characters because the male is too much like everything I've been frustrated with for months and months and the female is too much like me and I don't like me if I'm like her. Instead of dealing with my own problems, I am involving myself in fictional problems involving fictional people. I walk around feeling like shit because Tim doesn't love Dora yet and when he does love her, she is going to leave, and then Tim will feel even worse. I used to want Tim to feel worse, but Tim ordinarily feels like how I do now. You said he needs a hobby. The problem is that I have all of Dora's hobbies: I do work and I do more work and when things get too difficult for me emotionally I do all sort of literal and metaphorical running. I say that my writing and this story is what matters right now, but that is a lie. That is not what matters. I am trying to figure out what matters. I'm not sure if it is happiness, productivity, or satisfaction, but I'm starting to realize it's not productivity, because I am really productive right now, but there is this ache I wake up with and I've tried to fill it with doing my work, getting drunk, and talking to people and it doesn't go away. I don't know what it is or why I can't make it go away and I hate that it's there, because feeling sad seems so juvenile. That's what I did when I was a juvenile; I was sad and now I am not that young anymore so I should just be able to be happy. I keep getting confused as to why it doesn't work that why. Why I can't just stay busy and do better, with everything, and make myself happy. I act like happiness is some outer force, but it's not. It's an inner force that is failing me and thus I am failing myself. The question always is: what can I do to stop failing myself?
I had a sharp pain on the outside of my upper left thigh. It went away a moment later and so I continued my workout, but relaxed it by going on the bike for half an hour instead of the elliptical machine. I got off the bike and now my leg is rather painful. I'm just going to hope it goes away by the morning.
I fell asleep during Caxton Club. How embarrassing. This is what happens when I don't take naps. In case you do not attend Knox, Caxton Club is where the school brings various writers to read. I am trying to attend all of them this term. You should too!
I'm not sure how I've been feeling lately. It's all very strange. This is not the appropriate forum to talk about it, so I will refrain from doing so. I think there probably is an appropriate place to talk about it somewhere or with someone, but I feel like this is not true, because my talking won't necessarily be productive, but more contemplative and not very interesting to others.

That's where I'm at.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Things I don't understand

1. People.
2. German. (But I do understand clubs about German, so vote for me for president!)

A reoccurring theme in things I have been watching/reading: Everything is easier to deal with than people.

I have been rather quiet today or maybe lately. Being quiet is very strange. It creates the impression that I have not seen or interacted with people in a very long time, even though I have seen and interacted with many people in the last few days. I don't know why I am quiet. Earlier, I was sitting in the computer lab and I was hungry and I considered going to the Gizmo to get something to eat, but I wasn't sure I actually wanted to go through with the speaking it would require to place the order. I did, in fact, end up going to the Gizmo and I did order something to eat. I am sorry I have been awkward to converse with recently. I am working it on, just as I am constantly working on all things.
Being passive aggressive is so satisfying sometimes.
I am getting no work done. I'm not sure where my head is. Somewhere else, clearly.
At my doctor's office they have a little cabinet in the bathroom where you leave your pee cup. On the backside of this cabinet there's a door that opens to the lab. My suggestion is that a door like this be installed in my room, but attached to a kitchen rather than a lab and brunch can come through.
I'm sorry I don't appreciate all of you as much as I should. I love you all dearly and yes I have been drinking so I can say that. I love each and everyone of you in some manner. I am going to take a shower and get into bed. Yes.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Plan for Knox Legacy

1. Become President of German Club.
2. Start Italiana Americana Club.
a. Become Vice President of Italiana Americana Club.
Most things that we do as humans, capitalists, and Americans seem counterproductive, but we do them any ways.
I feel silly when I don't trust people. I feel like trust issues are for people that are characters in a gang movies. By this logic I should have no problems with trust.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Did you know that house painters make decent money? This is what I learned today. I'm considering a career change.
Today I was in the caf and I had a sudden memory of breaking my bedroom window at my dad's house with a baseball bat.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I feel so strange. I don't know how to label this feeling. Someone needs to pinch me.

Sleeping

Often I have the strange sensation that I've been sleeping for a long time. Then, over break, I had this moment where I woke up and everything was so clear and my head wasn't fuzzy anymore.

You know how when you wake from a really deep sleep it's hard to open your eyes and even once you do, your mind still feels like it's somewhere else?

I don't like these descriptions.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Writing

This is what matters above all else, even if my feelings tell me otherwise.
I keep waking up very early in the morning and can't get back to sleep. I've been writing at this time. I think today because it's so early I am going to attempt to read and go back to sleep, but I realized something about the character in the story I'm writing and also, about life and things.

I made him too attached to the female character too quickly. The whole story now carries too much tension. I need to make him indifferent. It's hard to write from the male perspective. For me it's: this is how I view you, but I don't know how you actually are, so I can only hope that your emotions match your face.