It's hard hearing adjectives about yourself. This is probably an incredibly vain statement, but recently I've had the opportunity to hear many nice things about myself and of course I'm happy to hear them, but not as happy as I was expecting. It's not a thrill I need. For a long time the first way I would have described myself is "difficult," but increasingly when I mention that people disagree in a perplexed tone and I'm not sure how I am anymore. One time in high school Kaleigh said that it bothers her that she never really knows what her face looks like and in my own self-absorbed way I think about this a lot, though larger, how I never really know anything about myself.

Happiness is distracting.

One more time: I got into graduate school.

One of the best parts of getting into graduate school: celebrating getting into graduate school.

Last night I had to remind myself that I'm an atheist, I don't have to believe in karma or fate, I can be as happy I want for as long as I like.

I got into my first graduate school. I would be happy to go there. If I get in nowhere else, everything will be okay. All the work I've put in all these years feels validated now.

There is something really satisfying about waking up feeling really sick and then still have a great day.

Life is pretty good. I'm also pretty hungover. I woke up this morning and discovered a blood vessel popped in my eye sometime last night. Last time a blood vessel popped in my eye it was finals week sophomore year of college and I was really stressed. I think I had so much fun a blood vessel popped. Like how I get happiness hives.

Going to work on a Saturday morning is especially unappealing when there are things I would much rather be doing after work.

Sometimes I want to do things I can't or should not do at the present moment. This list usually includes things like
Eat chocolate
Eat an entire pizza
Eat bacon
Engage in sexual intercourse
Etc.
That's why there are other things, like going out to lunch and swimming.

Probably going to Target and buying toilet paper would've been a better use of my time. But getting a lot done on my puzzle was good too.

Upped my mileage running today and as a result felt great and wonderful and successful and then promptly get a phone call from my second job saying that I currently have zero hours because business is really slow. It's an equilibrium. Being too happy is dangerous and I am close to too happy as everything in my life seems to be going right, so I need something to go wrong.

The worst part about the cold is not the cold itself, which admittedly is quite terrible, but everyone talking about the forecast, just how cold it's going to get, so the cold is surrounding us constantly and always in our consciousness.

I can only imagine how many books would've been in my bed in college if I'd had a double bed.

Me: I'm studying German again.
Dad: Why?
Me: For fun. You know, it's a hobby.
Dad: Why don't you write for fun?
Me: That's not a hobby, that's what I want to do with my life. Do you figure out bank data storage space for fun?
Dad: (laughs) I guess you're right.

There is something incredibly unsexy about waking up and going to barbell strength class. A better thing to do would be to follow my urges and keep drinking tea and reading poetry, but that helps very few of my muscles.

Bittersweet mornings.

It has been so long since I had to get up for work in the morning that I forgot what mornings were like, all sore and groggy.

I had a dream that I forgot to show up to work on time after the 5 week hiatus. It was quite terrifying. During the summer I get insomnia worrying about oversleeping.

The kind of hungry where you are so hungry that everything in the whole wide world sounds good.

For awhile I was frustrated with the people I know in the Twin Cities, but recently, like the past couple of months, I have just been so pleased and happy all the time. Maybe it's the vitamin d or the beer, but it's nice feeling happy and liking everyone.

Brain voices:
1: You should go to both yoga classes in a row.
2: It's morning. I'm tired. I think I look pretty good.
1: If you eat breakfast and get dressed in the next five minutes you can go to both.
2: I wonder if there's a new episode of Misfits on hulu.
1: Definitely stay home and watch Misfits.
2: This is happening.

Sometimes I think I am the most awkward person ever, but then I realize that no one actually knows how to talk to anyone else.

I've had this song stuck in my head for like two days and keep wondering how Jay-Z got to marry Beyonce.

Oh my gosh insomnia, waking me up at 7am when I went to sleep at 3:30 is not acceptable.

Really good night. Goodnight.

My mom ended up canceling for reasons that are too bizarre to write on here, so I had a very enjoyable evening eating Chinese with my dad and brother and my fortune was "you will have a pleasant time." I kind of want to write why she canceled. It's really strange though. It's strange for my mother and she's really fucking strange.

I am having a really good day. It's so good I'm not even bothered that Kevin and I are going to my Mom's for dinner. There's even a blue sky in the middle of January.

All day I've just felt happy for no reason. It's pretty nice.

I bet Willow Smith will never have self-esteem problems.

I've been getting my one hive a lot lately. I'm considering whether or not I'm allergic to something, but if I were allergic, wouldn't I get more than one hive? Who gets one hive randomly?

Hungover spin class. I am impressed with my body's ability to keep moving when all my mind wants to do is eat terrible food and sleep.

`

Uh huh, because you are on drugs it's okay for you to make comments to me on how my house was foreclosed, but I am  a spoiled brat because my dad pays my rents and for most of my groceries, because it makes me a spoiled brat to be really close to my dad and for him to care that I am eating and have a place to live. Clearly I don't know what loss is like and am just a spoiled awful person. Clearly after losing my house, my cat, my dog, my cousin, all of my grandparents, any sanity my mom had left, I know nothing about loss.

I had trouble sleeping last night because some things in my life still bother me. Despite this I am getting up and going to yoga, hopefully two classes in a row depending on how I feel.

Pulled out the sock because the pattern was sucking. Going to find a new pattern, make new socks. I watched a really great video about raw foods that I would share, but I watched it on Danny's computer. Night night.

Fatigue came over me this morning. After yoga I intended to eat lunch and go to another yoga class, but I napped instead. It's like my body knew it was Friday afternoon. Then I swam with my dad for an hour and went out to dinner and it was really nice. I like my Fridays like this. Calm. Now I am going to work on knitting socks and probably watch some stupid movie.

Last night all I could think about was kissing. Then, I fell asleep and dreamt things I don't remember.

I do think about more than food and working out. I think about people I shouldn't be thinking about quite frequently, mostly about how I shouldn't be thinking about them ever or talk to them ever and how if I feel like I need to be drunk so I have an excuse to say anything at all then it's a bad friendship. I also think about how I need to be doing the laundry and taking out the recycling. I spend a lot of time thinking about how my grad school applications still exist somewhere, but yet it feels like they don't, like nothing is going to happen or come of this or like I somehow failed to fill them out and send them.

I just thought: I want to burn all the fat off my body. This sounds so violent, like I want to set fire to myself. In high school I wrote a lot of memoir about staring at myself naked in the mirror at night. I still do this. I didn't for a while, I was satisfied or so unsatisfied I couldn't even bring myself to look in the mirror without clothes. When I think of having sex, I think only of wanting to be naked with someone else, looking for validation of my body. I don't know what this validation means, validation that I'm fat or thin or that I look different than before, whatever it is, it's a poor reason to ever want to be with anyone.

Drama all over the place. Mostly though I just think about working out.

I can run again! I went back a run on bridge to 10k, but it felt really good and my tailbone barely hurts and later I'm going to yoga and it feels great. I feel like I get a lot of shit for wanting to lose weight. That sounds sort of ridiculous, but people make fun of my efforts, my aversion to going to pizza places and eating cookies, and working out multiple times a day. But it feels good. For the past two weeks I've been eating terribly and working out less and I hated it (and loved all the bread I ate). I like feeling strong and capable.

I am going to run today. It's going to happen despite my tailbone, despite being sore from yoga yesterday. Unless of course my tailbone really hurts.

I am craving a pb&j. Doesn't that sound good? I crave them sometimes, I think because I ate them everyday as a kid and now my tastes have matured and I eat a turkey sandwich with tomato, onion, alfalfa sprouts, spinach, and canola mayonnaise with honey whole wheat bread and sometimes still miss my original sandwich.

I was happy so I washed the dishes.

Timberwolves game was super fun and bar after Timberwolves game was also fun. When I am in places where everyone is happy and excited, I am also happy and excited.

So New Years Eve was kind of messy and sloppy because I'm generally rather messy. I'm excited for things to be less crazy so I can get back to my normal compulsions, you know, eating, exercising, cleaning. Yoga this morning, reading/writing this afternoon/, Timberwolves game tonight.