Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Once a very long time ago a boy told me that, "No boys will like me if I'm sad." I'm kind of sad right now. Not depressed sort of sad, not even a confused sort of sad (well sort of a confused sad). It's another feeling that is manifesting itself in sadness. I'm not a subtle person. When I am sad, it's obvious or it's obvious to me. But I feel like no one will like me when I'm sad. Not just boys, no one. I try to tell myself that I still like people when they are sad. Sometimes I like people more when they are sad, as awful as that sounds. This doesn't necessarily help though. I read "Catcher in the Rye" and say that I want to date Holden Caulfield. I assume other people don't work the sameway. I don't ask for what I need. I think I need to learn to give myself entirely what I need. It's just hard, when you need something, and someone says no and either you can't communicate how direly you need it or it doesn't matter. Like tonight, we were choosing music and I said "not classical." I said not classical because I wanted something to lift my mood and classical music doesn't. I argued and later got chastised for arguing, but I really wanted something that would make me happy. I want to be happy. I am trying hard to be happy. It's so frustrating, because I am feeling things that are natural, I keep telling myself they are natural, but I keep making myself feel bad for it. I need to stop making myself feel bad.

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