Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I've spent a lot of time over the last year thinking about what type of girl I am. Because classification is obviously necessary, right? I also spent a lot of time today thinking about it. I used to think I was relationship girl. I like stable things. I like to have a routine and a schedule and to know what I am doing later in the day. But I'm not relationship girl. I always feel trapped once I'm actually in a relationship and I like to flirt and I like the excitement and relationships have excitement for awhile and then it dies and when it dies it kills me. I want to be open relationship girl. I like having someone that I know cares about me and will be there for me, but I need to not feel trapped. I am not open relationship girl. I tend to (not like to) care about one person or a few people intensely.

I wonder if there are people who don't get crushed by things. I realize other people often get less crushed by things than I do, but are there people who simply don't care? Who say, "A body is just a body and there's not a person attached to it?" I have a hard time defining my own attachment. Do I get attached to a body and then think that there's something more? Or is it the reverse: do I get attached to a person and then make it about the body?

This isn't a pressing issue really. I don't have to figure it out right now. Part of the problem is that there hasn't really been anyone that I've wanted a relationship with. There are people that I have had feelings for or attraction to on that level, but it would be a relationship based off the wrong things and that would be unnecessarily hurtful. But at the same time, I feel like it's a pressing issue because I'm trying to figure out how I feel about myself and my life and my mind isn't giving me any clues.

Except I feel good about myself. I feel confident. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how I feel about other things. I am really not sure. Usually when I say I am not sure about something I am lying, but I am being completely honest right now.

I am just going to keep going with the flow.

Let's take the flow literally: It's a little stream, it gains fast current and water, there are white water rapids! Oh no! And then there's a waterfall. And then it is a little stream again after getting away from the waterfall.


Sara said...

I feel like going with the flow is the best option, because those rapids can come up when you aren't expecting it and ebb when you don't want them too, but it is more exciting that way.

Then again, I run from boys. Don't take advice from me.

Colin Welch said...

Oh, but do I have a secret for you! You can have friends, who care about you, and love you, and stuff, AND see other people, with whom you can have any sort of physical or emotional relationship you want. TaDA!

Ok, really though, think about it? It's sort of a good idea. Single works for you, or at least it seems to.

Also, isn't the end taking the "flow" metaphorically? Literally would be to describe the realworld events that are counterpart to the "flow".

Also also, I can't help but imagining a river of blood.

Anonymous said...