I really like reading self-deprecating blog posts. This might make me awful, but I think mostly I like it because I often overestimate the happiness of others.

Sitting in Mcdonalds sucks. I need more friends in Freistadt.

I have been sitting in the Freistadt Mcdonalds for two hours because my internet is down. 

Sometimes I am so happy in this country and other times I just feel defeated.

I bought more internet! I played about 130 games of Freecell when my internet was down and took a lot of naps.

The Vodka Movement has begun.
(I went to the Czech Republic, a lot of vodka, too much caffeine, I'm using Mcdo's internet)

Drinking beer and eating pretzels by myself. This is Austria.

I'm not broke anymore! My dad is the best person ever.

Sandwiches are just the best food ever.

Drunken communication, though arguably less sincere, always strikes me as being recklessly honest and that's why it's so nice.

I've spent a lot of my life fearing pretentious people in the arts, often deciding a person is pretentious and to be feared and later finding out that I quite like them. So I am understandably horrified every time I come to the realization that I, myself, am a pretentious person in the arts. Thus, I was somewhat hesitant about doing NANOWRIMO (national novel writing month) for somewhat pretentious reasons, the main one being that NANOWRIMO seems so unpretentious and is mostly filled with people who wouldn't ordinarily write a novel. The writer in me says that they clearly haven't suffered with their writing for years I have and then the other person in me, a somewhat quieter voice, says I should never ever think things like that. Thus, I am doing NANOWRIMO.

I told one of the teachers that I only have one pot and no bowls and a little knife that is breaking and she is going to look and see if she has any extra supplies. Yessssss. I am imagining so many delicious things I can make.

Confession: I really want to be at Knox Homecoming and I really want to see my sorority sisters.

I just looked at my phone like it works and wondered why it never rings.

I sit around in a beater all day reading. By the end of the night I think I'm hearing ghosts.

I now have an Austrian ATM card. Unfortunately, I have zero dollars in my account, which I know for sure as I checked my Austrian online banking account.

-Are high schools in America really bad like they say on TV?

-Yes. 

I think I am staying in Freistadt for the long weekend of four days. Hopefully I will find things to entertain myself with.

Watching television for a lot of hours does not make homesickness better.

I'm intensely homesick today.

I am going to write something everyday. Even if it sucks. Even if nothing I write will ever be publishable anywhere, not even on my own blog because I have this horrible tendency to write things about people I know.

Sometimes I just don't want to do anything because it seems too difficult. I keep pushing everything until tomorrow. I know in my head the right words to say at the bank, but I'm scared I'll fuck it up. I will go tomorrow.

It is 10AM and I am done with work for the day with nothing to do  (besides bring my laundry to the landlady, go to the bank to get my bankcard and online banking information, go to the post office, and get this cell phone business figured out, but it's rainy and I'm not willing to walk further than the bank in this awful weather). I am going to make a cup of tea and read Freedom. I might need to make a trip to Linz this weekend in order to get more reading and knitting material.

I have that weird feeling in my stomach like something awful is going to happen, but I don't know what.
I'm worried I am one of those people who always sees the grass as being greener somewhere else. I wasn't pleased with my life at home until the very end of the summer and now it's serves as something idealized that I want to get back to.
Something about the early morning makes everything feel terrible. I walk around in my underwear with the lights on and the curtains over assuming no one else is awake, but I could be wrong.
I need to start writing everyday. Look I told Chad that Michelle and I are on Dogzplot and he posted about us on his blog.

I've always liked being social, but I'm worried Austria is turning me into a recluse. I get so used to being alone. I have my alone routine. I come home after school, either go to the grocery store or make my sandwich, if I have anything else I need to do I go do that. Otherwise I take a long nap. I wake up later and hope there are people online for me to talk to. If not I read or write letters. Then I make dinner, shower and go to bed. I do this everyday. When I can't do it, I start to get these odd cravings for it, even though I shouldn't.

When I'm tired I get crabby and miss people even more than I ordinarily do.

I just want to sleep all day long.

At times in my life, I have most certainly been this girl.

Austrian Fruit Loops suck.

I had this idea that coming to another country would wake me up entirely. I get it sometimes, that feeling, like how I felt when I got off the bus at the Linz train station and I felt so little, but I knew where I was going any ways. The rest of the time I just want to sleep.

Michelle:  ummm. how come we aren't the official porn stars of dogzplot? apparently, they lost that part of our submission.

I really want the perfect words to say at this moment because I really want you to click this link. Ironically, at this moment, of all moments, I have nothing to say. Michelle and I got two flash fictions into Dogzplot. You should read them.

My toothpaste leaked in my backpack. There is toothpaste on everything. My life is gritty and smells like mint. I am quickly becoming broke again. I hate paying rent and exchanging my money for less. I think I might be too broke to mail letters.

One of the best things: When people I really miss buy plane tickets to come see me.

On Saturday I went to the bookstore and desperately tried to get myself not to buy a book, particularly I tried to get myself to buy Freedom by Jonathon Franzen, but when I open to the first page and it started talking about Victorian houses in St. Paul, I knew I absolutely had to buy this book, that this book was written specifically so I would pick it up in Austria to read.

Everyday I eat cereal for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and noodles for dinner. I am tired of this.

I get really excited to talk to people online and then I actually talk to them online and feel an utter desire to be in the same place as them.

Pretzels are not good drunk food. Since I've never been drunk in my apartment before, I had no good drunk food. My favorite drunk food is breakfast food consisting of two eggs sunny side up, hashbrowns, toast, and bacon. If you've been out to breakfast or a drunk meal with me, I probably ordered this unless I didn't want that much food or an omelet looked really tasty. This summer I started going to Mcdonald's a lot while drunk. There's a Mcdonald's here, but I don't think it's open 24/7 like the Mcdonald's on University in St. Paul. I think most people in Austria eat kebabs while they are drunk, which I did last week and found it to be very pleasing. I miss American breakfasts. That's the one food item I really miss.

This is the first time I've been drunk in my apartment.

I had a really good night out and hopefully tomorrow will be really good too and then everything will be really good.

I've been having really strange dreams lately. I just dreamt that the teaching assistants were weight loss counselors at a fat camp. Last night I dreamt that Helmut, Austrian by birth and in charge of dining services at Knox College, became the new governor of Minnesota.

I'm feeling cheerful despite things, slightly guilty that I am here enjoying myself while everything is getting messed up at home, but there's nothing I can do. Talking to some people always makes me happy.

Yeah, so I'm a founding member of Alpha Sigma Alpha Theta Nu chapter and they made this really lovely rap video. Clearly you should a) watch the video b) become a member of Alpha Sigma Alpha if you are a female currently attending Knox College and are not already affiliated with another social sorority.

I'm getting self-conscious about my feelings. This always happens when something bad happens. I feel like I should remain cheerful because people like me more when I am cheerful. Though I am not very good at pretending to be cheerful. It has to be sincere. It's okay to be sad for a few days when your childhood house is leaving right?

When I feel sad I read sad things that other people have written and don't feel less sad, but I do it any ways. I've posted this before, but I'm going to post it again. It's nice to read when I'm sad because it reminds me of how I feel and reminds me of a lot of people I like a lot. Today the English-teacher-in-training asked me whether it is proper to say, "We can only see us on Saturdays" or "We can only see each other on Saturdays." Obviously he wanted the second statement, but I liked the first statement so much more even though it made me sad. It made me want to write something, but I think I would have to feel  differently than I do to write something with that statement. Mainly though I felt sad because of not having any money and worrying about whether or not I would get to see people this weekend, but I do, so it's okay.

So I had a really awful moment, but I talked to Julia and Blair and that helped a lot and Becca told me there's a yarn store in her town, so that's really exciting.

Because my life is going really super well right now, I probably won't have enough money to eat or finish paying my rent this weekend. Apparently my four or so message over the past week saying "I really need you to put the money in my account today, it's really important," were not clear enough.

I have wireless at school! This is the best discovery ever. Now I will be able to upload pictures.

I feel particularly awful thing morning. I repeat my usual mantras, this is only a phase, things will get better, etc., but it's not true. Things will get better for awhile, because I am in Austria and enjoying it, but then I will go home and things will feel terrible all over again. My mother, for the past couple of years, has been talking about how she is cursed. I don't have the heart to tell her that she has been consistently ruining things for me since she fell into her slump eight or so years ago. There are just so many good things in my life right now and I don't want any  of them to get messed up because of this.

Mornings are the worst. I can deal with everything except when I wake up when it's still dark out.

The footage of the miners coming out of the mine is really touching. Mines are so tragic. I wish people didn't have to go down in them. How could anyone survive underground that long? I hope, at the very least, that mining conditions get better after this.

I am now on a I-have-no-money diet. It's where I cannot afford to buy any food because I-have-no-money.

Wishlist for when I get paid in the middle of November:
A bigger pot
A pan
New sheets that don't feel like towels
New towels that don't feel like something that feels really bad
Books in English
Knitting needles
Yarn
Dirndl

I hate being in a different timezone from the US. I want people to say, "It's okay, you'll be 23 when you go home. You don't need to live in your mom's house. You can live in your dad's house. This is why people get divorced so their children have two houses." Instead I'm going to get in bed at 8:30 and watched German dubbed television.

I have won 95 games of Freecell since moving to Freistadt. I am going to quit writing and become a professional Freecell player.

I keep having to remind myself that I am a successful person, as if my mother's impending homelessness will rub off on me.

I am having a terrible day. Just terrible. And all of the terrible things are happening at home so there's nothing I can do.

I don't know what to do right now. Life was going so well.

My mother's house is being foreclosed. So basically I have nowhere to live when I go home and the house I've lived in since I was five is being sold. I had a dream about this once a few years ago and I told my mother and she assured me that wouldn't happen. The worst part is, I can't even see it again.

I got four letters today. It was one of the nicest things that has happened since I've lived here. I've only read two and replied to one, but they make me so happy.

Sometimes I miss people so much I feel like something inside me is going to burst. It astonishes me that everyday I wake up and still exist, am still intact, whole. I want to explain that my missing certainly triumphs your missing, because I'm quite sure it's not possible to miss anymore.

For lunch: sandwich with pesto, tomatoes, and fresh mozzarella. Super good.

I had my first class that didn't speak English well. It was strange and awkward and I couldn't speak slowly enough.

The fact that I had a dream in German and feel like staying home rather than go to work are good signs.

I don't have any bowls. All I have is one tiny sauce pan which I use to make everything. I eat my cereal out of it in the morning. I use it for tea, and cook what I can with it at night.

This weekend:
Went to a crowded fair and wondered why I felt so out of place and if it was because I was in Austria or if it was because I almost always feel that way in crowded places.
When I went to sleep I kept having dreams that I was still awake.
Walked to the train station in Linz while the street sweepers were still out and caught a train.
Saw people I knew on the train and was grateful.
Met a crazy guy from New Orleans. He wasn't crazy in the fun way.
Walked around in some caves. One was really icy. The other was really big.
The best part was when they were shining bear shadows on the wall and a little kid said "Ein Bär. Das ist ein Bär."
Went to the top of a mountain and thought a lot about how I've thought a lot about the possibility of being at the top of a mountain and how it does help a lot of things. When things are so pretty it's hard to be upset.
Went back to Linz exhausted and went to a bar called Cheese. Danced to music they don't play in America anymore and haven't for several decades.
I ate a kebab.
On the way back to the place I was staying we got yelled at by some Austrians who said, "We don't speak American here."
All the grocery stores in Austria are closed on Sunday.

Linz and Hallstatt this weekend. Excellent.

I keep waking up early in the morning and can't get back to sleep. I actually went to sleep at 9:30 last night too instead of 8:00. I had a dream about a moving Mcdonald's. I was trying to get to Linz. I'm not sure what this country is doing to me.

I finished the two books I brought with me (Eeee Eee Eeeee by Tao Lin and Stranger Things Happen by Kelly Link) and now have nothing to read. This is terrible. Clearly I must go watch more German MTV.

I have a bicycle and a cell phone. I need to raise the seat and I am still lacking a charger, but I have a cell phone and a bicycle.

Eight months too long.

I love grocery shopping. Especially cheese shopping. Also, it's 7:30PM and I'm in bed because I have nothing else to do. This is eight months of learning to live with myself.

See I keep typing messages and writing letters to people telling them everything that is going on and then I get here and am burnt out. I am really homesick and experiencing terrible culture shock. This is to be expected. I am often homesick and experienced culture shock even in Galesburg. It's somewhat worse now as no one speaks English and I live by myself and only work for three hours a day which means I spend 21 hours a day by myself. I expect at some point I will adjust more, find people to spend time with. Maybe the Spanish teaching assistant who must be experiencing similar things. This weekend I hope to go on a day trip with other Fulbrighter's in upper Austria. I am ridiculously excited for this. But Freistadt is cute. The beer is good. Everyone has been nice. I'm trying to go somewhere everyday like the grocery store or the alien registration or the store that sells toilet paper or the appliance store. Each voyage fills me with fear, but I manage. Things should be better now that I have internet.

In Freistadt with no internet. I will return soon.