Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I keep thinking I have high self-esteem, but I think I’m confusing words. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I can’t speak German or English (today the guy at the electronics store said my German keeps getting better and I laughed and said no). I don’t really though. I think I’m attractive. I think I can attract people when I want to attract people. I like myself. I like the things I like. But sometimes when I’ve been alone for awhile (like really alone, not single, alone in my apartment or alone on the streets) and I’ve been alone since Saturday in Freistadt, I start thinking a lot and it always turns into lists of people that I want to talk to that I no longer talk to. It turns into an issue of caring. I know that soon I will just go to sleep and I will wake up in the morning and I will be fine and it won’t matter and the why of it almost doesn’t matter anymore and not all of them have been boyfriends or whatever, but all of them are boys, even boys I didn’t like in that manner. I want to sit across the table from someone (I want to say anyone, but there’s a list of people it could be) and just have a conversation. I just start to feel distant and bodiless. I start counting hours. 

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