Thursday, August 19, 2010

I rarely leave people. I've stayed in friendships for years that were wholly damaging to me as a person. I don't know why. I am always so scared of being lonely. But I'm not lonely, not really. I have plans for the next three days. I'm going to Chicago in a week and a half and I'm going to see people there. So I wonder why I put up with people treating me poorly, why I put up with person treating me poorly. Last night Blair said she was having an existential crisis and by existential crisis she meant that she likes a boy and doesn't understand why she likes him. I told her that feelings aren't rational, we don't choose who we like, it just happens. And it's like this fact, this feeling that, yes I care about this person even though there is every reason I shouldn't, means that I become spineless and let them hurt me repeatedly, as if loosing them could be worse than that, though obviously it isn't. Now is the point where I say that I'm not going to let that happen anymore, but I know it's a lie. I already know that some point in the next three days, probably while I am drinking, I will do some sort of groveling to right wrongs I never committed and I don't know why I am doing it. I do care about myself and like myself and think I deserve more, that's not the problem, the problem is that I care about everyone else too and no matter what infraction they commit that doesn't change.

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