I bought some cute notebooks. I will write in those.

Today I am going to read and write instead of biking. I have to remember that I am not a triathlete, but I am, in fact, going to an MFA program and I have completely forgotten how to read and write.

On niceness:
I don't think niceness is actually the most important thing. When I call someone nice it means I have nothing else to say about them.

I think bread should be made into cubes and then all sandwiches can be stuffed cubes of goodness.

Sometimes I forget about working out and working and just spend time with people I like because ultimately that's what important, you know?

Triathlon training is serious business.

What if everyone is just as afraid of things as I am?

I've been watching too much Girls. 

Do you think before phones people wrote drunk letters? I have a phone and I still write them.

You can tell that Katie and I were hanging out last night. 

I think of grad school as this ambiguous "hard thing" that I "have to do," which makes it sound like I don't want to do it, but I do, I want it so badly, but the reality of doing things is often different than actually doing them. I repeatedly tell myself that doing the hard thing is better, but I'm not always fully convinced. Can't I just stay in Minnesota with all my friends and my family and get some stupid job? 

My eye has been twitching since I went swimming last night. This is irritating.

I finished the triathlon! After panicking for most of the morning and having it rain the entire time I managed to set personal records in my timing in all the events! I'm feel happy and relieved and mostly incredibly sore. Here are my results if you're interested. My overall place isn't very impressive, but being the slow placed person I am in every single one of these events, I feel pretty pleased.

What if I throw up before the race because I'm so nervous?

Things I am scared might happen during my triathlon:
1. I find I cannot swim in a wet suit
2. I cannot put my wet suit on.
3. I cannot take my wet suit off.
4. People kick me so much that I start crying and drown.
5. I kick someone.
6. I get lost during the swim, bike, or run.
7. My transitions will be too slow.
8. I will fall off my bike.
9. I will not be able to clip in on the bike.
10. I bike too slow.
11. My back starts to hurt a lot.
12. My foot starts to hurt during the run.
13. My tri-suit begins to feel uncomfortable because you're not supposed to wear anything for long periods of time after swimming.
14. I have to pee the whole time.

I regard my anxiety the way I regard my terrible feet and ankles; it's a part of my body that I have to deal with always.

Today:
Breakfast
Work
Cycling
Shower
Lunch
Physical therapy
Swimming
Shower
Dinner
Laundry
Brendan

Going back to work. I have a stupid Usher song stuck in my head. Last night there was a 60% chance of rain and scattered thunderstorms on the day of my triathlon and today it has gone down to 40%. I'm going to try running today. And get things done that I've been meaning to do for days.

Current pop culture leads me to believe that everyone in the world is in this fucking awful in-between stage of their 20's where they don't have any money and are uncertain about everything in their future. I have to question whether the things that are important to me right now will be important in 10 years. That doesn't stop things from continuing to be important to me right now though.

I just had the best bike ride ever. It was really hot and there were lots of other cyclists out, but I felt confident and fast and finally feel comfortable standing up on hills and drinking water while riding. I had the same sort of breakthrough with swimming a few months back. Wonderful.

I really like this essay by Mary Ruefle on fear and writing. I could say a lot about this but I want to go cycling.

I need to be more assertive and say things like, "I'm sorry, but talking about this causes huge amounts of anxiety so please don't talk about it when I'm around." Instead I just get really crabby and anxious.

I don't always love Barack Obama, but I have to admit that I love Michelle Obama. Everything she does is so poised that it's hard not to love her.

Instead of cycling I am sitting on my bed in my cycling clothes and crying.

My sleeping and eating schedule at so messed up right now and I feel sort of terrible and chaotic and want to go back to work so things seem more normal.

Twelve minutes is such a long time when you're waiting for a frozen pizza.

Sitting with an ice pack on my knee reading the foster parent blog. So much for cycling today.

Managed to accomplish everything on my list except finish the DFW story as I spent too much time reading the foster parent blog and the banker spent too long trying to get me to take out loans (I didn't).

"I promised myself I would follow my gut no matter what."

When I am crabby the mantra that repeats through my head is "everything is stupid" and I wish it were more eloquent, but it's not.

I am failing at doing anything besides reading the foster parent blog and eating breakfast. This is terrible.

For no reason at all I suddenly became very concerned that it was entirely a mistake that I was let into graduate school, that they didn't mean to take me at all, but some other, better, Tasha.

Things to do today:
1. Eat breakfast.
2. Read DFW story Westward the Course of the Empire Takes it's Way, which includes both mention of MFA programs and rural Illinois, so I can't help but be attracted to it.
3. Finish cleaning up from party.
4. Go to gym. Run for 15 minutes or so to gauge how foot is doing. Go to yoga.
5. Eat lunch. Watch Girls.
6. Go to the bank and getting a savings account because they keep deleting it because I don't put any money in it.
7. Go swimming.
8. Eat dinner.
9. Try not to spend the entire day reading this blog about being a foster parent in NYC.
10. I am sort of in this place where I don't want to think too much. I am not terribly in this place. But things are still a little delicate.

Krista, in her secret feelings blog, which I will not link to as it's a secret feelings blog, often talks about how she cannot help but share what she is feeling, even if what she is feeling is somewhat uncomfortable for the listener to hear. I appreciate that she writes about this, because this is something I often do and then regret it terribly later, but somehow it still keeps happening over and over and long story short I drank a lot last night and a bunch of different things happened to bring up emotions I've been trying to keep doing and I ended up in a puddle of tears confessing everything I've ever felt in a very accusatory manner and have since spent the entire day regretting this decision, but knowing it is somewhat normal.