I don't eat enough and then get really hungry and eat an apple and a bunch of crackers. I need hobbies that aren't dieting and working out and doing really hard puzzles and watching tv online.

Inner Voice 1: Stop working out right now. This is the least fun thing ever. You've worked out everyday for 10 days. You are tired.
Inner Voice 2: Think of how happy you'll be to lose another pound. You love losing pounds!
Inner Voice 1: You've already lost 2 pounds this week, losing more than that per week is unhealthy and you love being healthy!
Inner Voice 2: You ran yesterday. You're not being lazy.
Inner Voice 1: You really need to work on grad school applications. Think about how much work to do. Think about how behind you are.
Inner Voice 2: That's such a good point. I can almost agree with that.
Inner Voice 1: Just push the stop button.
Inner voice 2: Yeah, just do it.

I'm hungry so I'm cleaning. I'm turning into a 1950's housewife. Next I'm going to start taking valium. Have you ever noticed how you can never get anything as clean as you want it to be?

Whenever I feel at all down I take lots of vitamin D pills.

I finished Mindy Kaling's book, Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me, the other day. I was naturally drawn to the title and I mostly enjoyed Tina Fey's book and figured this would be of the same strain. It is, and it disappointed me in all the same ways. However, I do like all the sections they have about dieting, because I enjoy talking about eating and dieting all the time and like to pretend someday I can have a book where I express my secret desire to look like a Victoria's Secret model.

So I sort of did this today. By sort of I mean my feet were only a few inches off the ground and after I bit I loudly fell over. But still. 

I am a smart person. I know this above all else. I know I am more smart than attractive, like it's a competition. It is though, if you're a female. You have to prove yourself. You can't be smart and someone everyone wants to sleep with unless you are specific exceptions from the rule. Primarily I am smart, but as I get older fewer people recognize this.

Everyone opposed a conversation on feminism this evening.

Hey, remember that time I sat down and finished a grad school app in an hour and a half? It was great.

Go to finish this fucking 50 page writing sample this weekend. Just gonna sit down and do it. My disappointment in a multitude of people makes it easier to write because I have no desire to talk to those people. Okay, I always have desire to talk to those people. Talking to them always just proves to be disappointing. Working on a story and realizing this girl is a bitch. Making her more of a bitch. They aren't going to let me in because they are going to think I'm a bitch too.

Me: The turkey looks good.

Dad: How can you see it under all that bacon?

Me: Well the bacon looks good.

First 10K. My goal is to finish. No time goals, no other goals, just to finish.

Cooking a million dishes in one day is intense.

Stuffing done
Cranberry sauce done
Sweet potatoes in the oven
Mashed potatoes on the stove

Still need to do:
Mash mashed potatoes
Green beans
Apple pie

Well obviously the answer to the question in my head is that there are just some people you care about more than others even if logically the amount you should care about both of them is the same (very little).

My whole body is constantly sore. In December when I'm on break from work I think I'm going to start going to two yoga classes on yoga days. Then I will be sore more than constantly, but eventually will be able to do a forearm stand.

The baffling thing about winter is that everything is so bright and gray and the same time. I am already tired of this.

Sometimes I get crabby because I'm hungry. This happens. It might be happening right now.

I really like that Andy on Parks and Rec is taking a Women's Studies class. Seriously, Women's Studies classes are the best. Except for Women's Lazers. Which would be the best if it existed.

Anti-climactic end of weekend feeling. I feel bummed. I'm going to watch things and pretend I don't feel bummed until I wake up tomorrow morning feeling happy again because this is what happens during the morning. Maybe it's a doing-the-laundry feeling.

Sometimes working out just feels so good.

Some stuff about wanting to be close to people. Some other stuff about how I was supposed to forget and not think about it and didn't. Things change and happen and everything is still the same. I need to stop thinking about [person]. It's too long, expiration date, I'm done.

Also today I bought a winter jacket, boots, tights, and a turkey.

It's a cycle.

I like this website. It gives a different perspective on weight.

And you sort of start to hate yourself when the story you are writing starts to turn into an indie romantic movie where people say overly clever things and they go on dates to museums, even though you have gone on dates to museums and they've already been to a bar and you can't think of anywhere else for them to go and the female love interest becomes quirky because you'd actually like to be quirky, just fail at doing so in reality.

Trying to write about love and attraction and instead all that is coming out is boring. Maybe love and attraction are boring. Maybe it's because I started this story when I was 18 and now I'm 23 and all these feelings feel different and more tired.

UGhgghrgkeslbrshekjnbfdeb

Failed to work out today. Have written a paragraph. I need to do better.

Writing with Twilight on in the background. I don't think I would enjoy kissing someone who was trying their hardest not to eat me.

All I want to do is look up recipes for Thanksgiving, not work on grad school stuff. This is a reasonable desire.

Some comments on food:

Last night I had a nightmare that I went out to dinner with my mom to a Japanese restaurant and they served me a giant bowl of noodles in a white sauce and I ate the whole thing and I spent the rest of the dream panicking about how I would ever burn off all those calories and perplexed as to why a Japanese restaurant was serving Italian food.

I ordered rolls and the bread part of stuffing from Breadsmith today and noticed they had an entire case of soft pretzel products. It was like being in Austria all over again and instantly my mouth started watering until I caught sight of the nutritional facts and one soft pretzel has the same amount of calories as my breakfast and lunch combined, so I stifled my urges. I still ordered a dozen rolls for 3 people though.

Second job obtained.

Just spent two hours hanging out with my brother rather than working on grad school stuff.

Interview went well despite giant wound on forehead. Yoga went well despite muscle ineptitude. Everything is going well.

I was nervous last night about my job interview today so I picked a giant wound in my forehead where formally there was a completely unnoticable zit. Now I have a giant wound. This is my life.

I've realized that I have this terrible fear of people thinking I'm stupid just because sometimes I say stupid shit.

I like most people better when they are single, including myself.

I scored in the 99th percentile on the essay section of the GRE. I've lost 25 pounds. I feel so good about myself right now. Now time to go to yoga and get my large ego in check.

My Strange Addiction: I'm addicted to doing jigsaw puzzles. I just drove crazily to multiple store to find one to help me calm myself. Jeeze, this is worse than alcohol.

Current level of self-respect: -25

Remember last week when I went to a level 2 yoga class and felt like the master of strength and flexibility? This week I am the master of sore arms and failing to do a headstand.

Going to the post-office is a very high stress situation. Somehow I kept doing everything wrong and all I was doing was mailing stuff.

I just had to call my dad and get him to drive me to pick up my birth control prescription because I had too much to drink. I'm very in control of my life.

I want people to want to be in my life.

When I drink all sense of self-preservation leaves.

I find this thing about Ke$ha weirdly appealing. 

Working on grad school stuff with a bloody mary. With 5 bloody maries. Okay, Just 1 for now.

It's strange how only personal things matter. Not that there's anything going on in my personal life. There is a distinct lack of something. But it's like, everything can be going really well in everything, but some fucking girl or boy makes you feel bad and it ruins all of that. Or everything can be really shitty in everything, but some girl or boy makes it better. I'm just not going to have a personal life because grad school matters too much.

My life is quickly turning into a cliche where I completely shut myself off emotionally in order to avoid getting hurt by anyone ever.

I need to take care of myself and not let myself do reckless things that I know will hurt me.

Didn't get the things done today that I needed to. Shit. Tomorrow, then. Pretending that some people don't exist. This doesn't always work.

Conversations in my head: You know what? I don't care. I like myself whether or not you like me or talk to me. Yup, that's fine, don't talk to me. I'm busy talking to these other people over here. I could go drink right now if I wanted to. I could. I don't need you. I don't care about you. Look how much I don't care!

I'm the worst liar in the whole world.

I was walking into Dunn Brother's today, as I do most days, and another regular (I recognize all the Dunn's regulars and Lifetime regulars despite my terrible facial recognition skills which tells you just how often I go to these places) was talking about all the things wrong with him or his life and as I walked by, he burst, "And I am surrounded by absolutely beautiful women!" So just for fun I am going to pretend that was directed at me.

I try not to be bothered. I am though. The important thing is that involved parties never know I'm bothered. This is easy to achieve, I just have to not tell them.

I seriously feel like putting my face down on the table out of frustration and being over-caffeinated. 

Man sitting across from me just commented on the grimace on my face.

Look I am in the exact same place as yesterday and my hair is frizzing due to stress. 

Normally during yoga I feel bad for thinking about boys. Today I felt bad for thinking about writing and grad school apps.

I didn't feel like hanging out with people last night. I don't think I've ever not felt like hanging out with people before.

Oh my god, there's an article about me in the newspaper. And by an article about me, I mean an article about women. 

So much work to do for grad school. Trying to wear hats to increase my productivity.