Nooooo alcohol tolerance. I am drunk. Wine with dinner has turned into being drunk and making too many plans and still not going anywhere. I just want to go drink with people and dance motherfuckerssss.

While I realize that calorie counters on exercise machines aren't accurate, I am just going to pretend that I burnt 1000 calories this morning at that gym. Also, I legit reached my 5k speed and time goals. I feel fantastic. Holyshit.

I just want to be a party rocker. 

I act stupider than I am. I think most people do. It's terrible to admit the seriousness in our heads.

A roomful of people with their headphones on staring at their computers.

Relearning the writing process:

Get a drink with caffeine. Preferably black coffee, but in reality a skim latte.
Sit by the window.
Stare out the window a lot.
Read everything on the internet.
Watch people outside stuff tree trimmings into a wood chipper.
Write a couple sentences.
Start gritting teeth from caffeine.
Be jealous of girl at neighboring table who is clearly still in college and reading poetry.
Gloat at all the people in the coffeeshop looking for a table.
Write blog post about everything done since entered coffeeshop.
Feel frustrated.

In yoga I prefer poses that are not particular difficult but make me feel like I am really flexible and amazing. Like this one. Nevermind it's the King Pigeon pose and I fucking hate pigeons. I was as pleased as a pigeon in Venice while doing this pose. 

Life is okay right now because I am looking forward to Glo coming and Homecoming and Ayanthi's birthday and Halloween. What happens after that?

Lonely tonight. Just how it is.

Okay, so one time I had what felt vaguely like an orgasm in yoga and apparently that's normal.

I had my first running failure since starting couch 2 5k. Normally I run about four times a week. This week, due to work starting again, I ran three days in a row, which I managed, though I was sore. I also eat around 1200 calories a day. Sometimes I eat under that, which I realize is vastly unhealthy, but I do it anyway. Then today I went to yoga. Yoga was great. I was pretty sure I was the strongest, most flexible person in the entire room and thus after yoga I should absolutely go running. My body did not like this. After 23 minutes out of 30 minutes of running I had to call it quits, which was disappointing because I was so close to the end, but my heart rate was near the point of explosion and so I decided to call it quits. I don't feel that awful about it. Okay I feel a little awful about it.

High school is so very faraway.

Today I was trying to figure out why I was so happy post cry-fest Saturday and I realized it's probably because all I do is work out, write, read, do art, and hang out with people I like. I also realized that it's probably short lived once my phone is silent for too long.

Impromtu trip to the hot tub. Inspired by the saunapants. No, we do not own saunapants. If you don't know what saunapants are, look them up. No, I have not been drinking. Yes, I just look like that. 

I threw a bunch of shit in a crock pot and supposedly in four hours it will turn into sweet and sour chicken curry while I work and go running.

I have this song stuck in my head. Apparently I miss going out in Austria. I sort of do. Bars closing at 2am seems too early. There are no durums for me to eat late at night.

And my dreams are all like, "Don't be fucking stupid, these people are all going to hurt you."

Instead of writing I am looking at the obituaries of my cousin and my grandma. 

I need a plot for my story. So far, a boy and a girl hook up. That's all I got. This is reflective of my life. A boy and a girl hook up and that's it, that's all I got. 

Okay, so I am still pleased with my decision not to go back to Austria, but I really do wish I could go to Oktoberfest. I could wear my pretty dirndl and drink lots of beer and it would be excellent.

Second broken kindle. People aren't meant to read things off appliances. But Amazon Support is super nice and I am still covered under warranty, I get a new one. I spelled warranty warrantly. Because that's a thing. The one year warrantly.

When I think of being little I think of never really being anywhere. As existing entirely in my head. Sometimes life is still like this.

The problem with waiting for people to contact you is that everything is done on your end. The other person can do whatever they like at anytime and the waiter is simply forced to wait perpetually.

I primarily enjoy watching sports games because it is acceptable to partake in the consumption of all sorts of things that are bad for you.

Running feels good because I don't think about things because it's too hard to think about anything else.

I've been crying for like hours. Fuck tonight. Fuck this month. Fuck fuck fuck.

It's really not fine.

The worst is when someone you thought wouldn't fail you starts to consistently fail and make you feel awful, but you don't do anything about it because you care about them too much.

Do you ever feel sick when you see someone you made out with pose with a gross politician? Oh wait, you haven't made out with as many gross people as me. No, I should not eat some pizza even though I want to. Yes, I did eat half an organic frozen pizza for dinner, which was like 300 calories on top of the like 400 calories I had already eaten today plus 43956430967067945 calories of wine. I hate losing weight. In the words of a friend "It's much easier to lose weight when you have a lot of weight to lose." I am a healthy fucking weight, so losing weight is like pulling five teeth at the same time. I am clearly drunk to be talking about weight loss on the internet this much. Also texted people. Stupid. Will regret tomorrow when they don't soberly text me back. But have nice plans tomorrow with nice person. What if nice person reads this? Shit. Nice person will know I like them and think they are nice. Also spent time with nice people tonight. But not Nice Person. I tried to capitalize that whole sentence. I wish I weren't almost done with Misfits. I got Atmospheres newish album today. It's better than lemons. SPahhhhhgdfhfh i;hhi;t

My grandma passed away.

File this under: people I used to talk to and now don't for reasons incomprehensible to me that I am not going to question.


I got home at 8:10 and my roommate was already asleep and now I am kind of sad and lonely, but I made the choice to come home and not be social, so I can't really complain. Stomach is grumbling. I should not eat dinner at 5:30.

Do people apply for MFA's in writing that don't really want it? I keep thinking if only I could send more than a writing sample, if only I could present myself as a whole person that would make a difference. But this is probably true for everyone though. Everyone is probably equally as alluring in person.

I want feather earrings.

I have not been very confident lately. I don't know why. I don't feel ugly or stupid or anything like that, I just somehow find myself lacking. Today in yoga I did a wheel pose. In the beginning of the summer I attempted a wheel pose and I was so shocked that I could actually do it that I promptly fell down and today I just did it and knew I could do it, despite not having attempted to do it for a couple of months. It felt good to have faith in myself. I rarely have faith in myself. I rarely have faith in other people. Faith is not something I am good at. Yes, I look just like this when I am doing wheel pose and all the time. Also my gym is surrounded by sparkling blue water. We do yoga on floating mats.

I need to order decaf next time. The caffeine is making me restless, making me want to go home and clean.

I'm writing. Like legit. Like pages. I have that thrilling feeling I get like "this is genius, I will definitely get into grad school," and probably in several hours I will have that normal feeling like "this is somewhat less than mediocre, I will never get into grad school."

Today in yoga I was sweating so much a drop of sweat fell of my face and landed on the floor and it made me feel oddly proud. Then I ran for 25 minutes and then biked home in the rain and it was a surprisingly pleasant Sunday morning.

I have an absurdly large purple flower in my hair. 

I have been cleaning for an hour and a half. I haven't eaten lunch yet. What is wrong with me?

Shit is way too close to home. Sometimes I think everyone's life is actually the same. 

Today I am going to write. Today I am going to write. I am not going to take a nap. I am going to write.

If my legs fall off that will be a lot of weight off my body. Sadly, my legs are one of my better attributes.

It smells like fall and my fingers get cold while biking.

I am trying to run faster. It is less easy then it is in my head.

I have felt so restless lately.

Someone should take hiphop dance with meeee.

When I feel happier I don't work out as hard because I am happy as I am. It is only when I am sad that I work out manically, hoping that maybe it will make me happy.

Yoga was good today. Then I walked around the co-op, bought a plum, jam, milk, and organic canola mayonnaise and stared at a lot of food items I really want to eat. It was a nice time.

I want to go to the gym but I keep crying. This is not a problem people should have.

I've felt awful lately and I don't know why. Well I do sort of know. I always say I don't know. It's like hedging for my statements. I think this is why I keep going to the gym. Everyone who is really skinny is happy right?

I finished the GRE and did not have the rush of happiness I expected.

I may or may not be the most scared person ever to take the GRE. I spent a long time thinking about what to wear because obviously this effects how well I will do.

When I try to do jumping jacks or jump in any manner, my knees say "NO" and pain shoots through my legs. I think I am doing something wrong.

I might apply to 12 MFA programs and not get in. This could happen and I will be okay. Alright, who are we kidding, I will cry hysterically for days and think I am a failure.

Also I like my tea better with milk in it. I don't care what that says about me.

This letter directly clashes with everything I've heard about MFA programs. Instead of taking it's advice into consideration, I am going to ignore it and continue down the path that I am on. This is not an abnormal way of making decisions.

The thing about being upset is that no one knows you are upset until you post about it in your blog.

I guess I am nervous because being smart is what I am. I am not always pretty or always nice, but I am good at academics and when I fail at that it feels awful.

I can be a patient person. I am being patient.

I got puss from my elbow on the treadmill. Also was on the elliptical in front of MSNBC which is just replaying it's 9/11 coverage and it was pretty horrific and everyone was working out staring at the tv with their mouths open (but that might be because they were breathing hard from working out). I find something so awful about the coverage, like a tragedy is being abused. On the brightside, my heartrate was real high the whole time so I burned a lot of calories.

Some activity I'm doing is scraping up my elbows. First my right elbow was scraped (to which Ben made the sassy comment "Just kiss it and it will feel better," knowing I cannot reach my own elbows) and now my left one is. It's particularly infuriating because I can feel the pain, but have to look in the mirror to clearly see the wound.

Pasta was A+. Studying for the GRE is F-

Making linguini with shrimp, grape tomatoes, basil, and tons and garlic and lemon because I am trying to be good to myself.

Unsurprisingly I feel terrible today. Had one of those awful "oh god, I don't remember what I did last night" moments when I woke up and had to check my phone and blog and stuff. My system of eating very little so I can drink more calories may not work.

I'm pretty sure I am still drunk. When I lie down I feel fine and when I stand up everything is spinning.

When i am drunk I disintegrate, I ask people questions thst csnt only be answere dby other peipke. Shit. I fucking hate thing, IU am too drunk.

Good things about today:
I am being added to the lease.
I have lost ten pounds. Sort of. Compulsively weighing yourself until you've lost 10 pounds doesn't quite count, but the scale said 10 pounds less, so whatever I'm pretending I am thin and beautiful.
The rent got paid after accidentally getting paid with a closed account.
Running is going really well.
I am wearing a new dress.

I bought black nail polish so I can be like Allison on Teen Wolf. Sometimes I sort of hate myself.

Three more days of studying for the GRE and then writing will consume me wholly and I will probably end up drinking more.

I'm sorry, Zooey Deschanel cannot play someone who has a hard time getting boys.

My legs don't even feel like legs anymore. Standing on them they feel like jello and touching them they feel firm(ish).

It is really funny to see a room full of adults doing the happy baby pose and rocking back and forth.

I get obsessive in my love for authors. Margaret Atwood, David Foster Wallace. Last night in Skins, Cassie was reading my favorite Atwood book, The Edible Woman, outloud and it was so perfect.

All I do all the time is lie in bed and watch the British version of Skins.

Listening to people in college. The things that used to be important that are no longer important. The only thing I am thinking about is whether or not to buy a cucumber to go with my salad tonight.

Saw Trina. St. Paul is little.

My legs are so tired. I skipped Jillian today because my body and mind are too sore and took a nap instead. Biking to Dunns was hard. I saw Jamie though. That was nice. I feel like it's been a long time since I've seen anyone even though that's not true at all. I saw people yesterday.

It's hard to convince yourself to do Jillian when you specifically feel like lying on the floor, magically drunk, and crying because you can't write, aren't writing, feel unattractive compared to the skinny girl at the gym who hairsprayed her poof in place before running, and miss people that don't want to see you as much as you want to see them, but you can't really tell them that, now can you?

I feel like shit and I know all the reasons why and it's stupid.

Having a terrible time trying to convince myself to finish my workout. I just want to shower and eat lunch and put on a cute dress and bike somewhere and study for the GRE.

I think watching Skins is making me depressed. Their lives are all dramatic and then I want to be all dramatic in mine.

I need my boobs to be smaller. They are giving me low self-esteem. This is ridiculous.

Making squash shrimp vindaloo with rice. I am a stay-at-home-roommate.

My body fucking hurts. Any recommendations to stop getting so many leg cramps?

Again, I really hate it when people randomly burst into song on tv shows.

After discussing things with my roommate I have decided no one is functional, but I have a clean shower and a clean toilet bowl, so I am doing okay.

I am super inept and have all these windows open like "how to roast red peppers" and "how to broil chicken."

What is it about having knees close to the face that is comforting?

I don't how real grownups function. I can't do all these things all at once. I want to lie on the floor smoking cigarettes and I don't smoke and my floor is covered in clothes because I am failing at functionality.

The thought process of the compulsive: if only I get my apartment clean enough, expel all the fat from my body, get a high enough score on the GRE then things will be okay. The problem is when those things still aren't enough and I feel unsettled. I hate giving people the ability to unsettle me.

I felt happy while I was running. It was so strange. I then felt happy in the grocery store, but that is not strange at all. I found out that green onions and scallions are the same thing. Then I came home and got sad again.

Must stay vigilant. This applies to everything. The GRE, working out, not bending to what people want me to do, not bending to what I want to do, but shouldn't.

Brief Interviews with Hideous Men made me cry a lot because I'm fairly certain almost everyone I know is hideous. I think it's terrible how much I relate to Meredith in The Pale King, someone who is obsessed with the notion of being seen and not just being seen as a pretty girl, but recognized as a suffering person and ends up with the one person who seems to understand only to find out that she was completely alone. Mostly I think it's terrible because I don't think I'm pretty enough to have Meredith's condition.

This is typical and I shouldn't be surprised. I just wish it didn't make me sad.

I hate intuition.

I am going to cook delicious things everyday for the rest of my life.

And it's like I suddenly realize for the first time that things have consequences.

I feel shitty today. About everything. Sucks.

I just get really distant. And I want you to say, "Why are you distant?" But you don't.

Fair now pleaseeeee. Also I fail at taking a picture with my face and body in it.

I weighed myself today prior to my day of binge eating at the fair tomorrow and I lost another three pounds. I am working on calculations of exactly what I can eat tomorrow. This is sort of ridiculous. Really I just shouldn't eat Sweet Martha's cookies when I am trying to get in shape. But I want to and that sort of trumps logic.

One time I attended yoga class during a snowstorm. Now I am attending yoga slightly hungover. There is no excuse to miss yoga ever.

Last night to make myself feel better I finished off the gin and watched "Cool Runnings" with my roommate. We both agreed our lives would be better with more pushcart races.