Wowowowowowow I feel shitty.

This is so fucked up.

So my cousin Sera has passed away (she's the one on the left). It feels really surreal and sort of numbing and I just want to get drunk so I can drunkenly stumble through my feelings and also Sera really enjoyed her beer, but I am going to save the drinking for a better night. What the fuck. 

Everything in my life can be reduced to a metaphor about food.

So I know her and her sister are pretty offensive and use the n-word in horrible ways and defend themselves about it poorly, but there is something really endearing about this video. I sort of wished I looked like Kreayshawn. Let's be honest, I've always wanted to be a short skinny rapper versus a tall curvy poet. 

I am so hungry. Might have to fly to California soon. I got to see Carolyn and it was nice. I like this constant stream of friends coming into town.

When I drink a lot I feel like I have smoked cigarettes even if I haven't. The throat all ch

I am really upset about my cousin. What the fuck?

It makes me really upset that my beautiful cousin is in a coma. It's hard to rectify this fact. I just can't imagine her passing away, which obviously means she is going to live vibrantly.

I spend all this time thinking about how I could be better because I have nothing else to think about. My roommate said I looked pretty and it was surprising somehow.

So I lost three pounds last week, which isn't bad, but this week I'm determined to do more and better. I am so fucking compulsive.

One of my cousins was prescribed percocet for an ear ache. She is now in a coma and might not make it and even if she does make it she probably has severe brain damage. It's weird because my cousin lives in California, I've spent time with her only a few times in my life, but I still care about her a lot. That's how family is supposed to be right? I keep trying to be optimistic and say that she is going to get on facebook and post a status about how clumsy she is (she posts many statuses like this) and accidentally took too much medication, but is magically okay and suffered no brain damage. But it's hard. Being in limbo with anything is hard. I keep thinking about my other cousin, her sisters, and about what a horrible time they must be having right now. It's just fucked up that someone that can medication because their head hurts and now they might not make it.

Hung out with John Williams tonight. Now I miss Knox. I want to hang out with my alpha sigma alpha sisters and have stupid boy drama and study and go to parties all the time. Also John Williams does not appreciate my swag.

I didn't get to sleep until 4AM last night. Never drinking coffee again.

I really like this Margaret Atwood poem. It's one of my favorites. I thought of the part about bodies on the way home for some reason, about how they don't lie or tell the truth and couldn't figure out what poem it was from and was happy when I found it. I was thinking about it more in relation to my own body, like how I try to interpret what it's telling me and I just can't.

We are hard on each other

Margaret Atwood

Listen

i)

We are hard on each other
and call it honesty,
choosing our jagged truths
with care and aiming them across
the neutral table.

The things we say are 
true; it is our crooked 
aims, our choices
turn them criminal.

ii)

Of course your lies
are more amusing:
you make them new each time.

Your truths, painful and boring
repeat themselves over & over 
perhaps because you own
so few of them

iii)

A truth should exist,
it should not be used
like this. If I love you

is that a fact or a weapon?

iv)

Does the body lie
moving like this, are these 
touches, hairs, wet 
soft marble my tongue runs over
lies you are telling me?

Your body is not a word,
it does not lie or 
speak truth either.

It is only
here or not here.

What the fuck. My mind is not even thinking [straight]. Once I wrote a story about two people sitting on a couch and it almost got into Catch, but they didn't like the ending because in the end they were still sitting on a couch and nothing happened.

I did it. All the running, the biking. But now my body is exhausted. Totally and utterly exhausted. My mind is slightly exhausted. But less so then my body. I just like, want to curl up on the couch with all of my favorite people and watch anything.

Ughghghghghg  my body is dying. But I bike/run/ellipt on.

Plan for the day:
Battle soreness in approximately all of my muscles and bike a mile and a half to the gym. Do couch25K at the gym and elliptical workout. Bike a mile and a half home.
Take shower. Make self look presentable.
Eat lunch.
Bike five miles to sleep appointment.
Find out if there is something wrong with my sleeping.
Bike 11 miles to Uptown. Sit in coffeeshop for approximately 2-3 hours studying for the GRE and hating myself because I'm terrible at math.
Play pool. Drink drinks that are bad for me and eat food that is bad for me.
Bike 11 miles home.

So if all goes well I will have biked 30 miles and run around 4 and then consumed lots of horrible things which cancels out all of that.

I miss somethings and people from Austria. I miss traveling, sitting on trains, even sitting on the goddamn post-bus. But I am so so so so glad I am not going back this year.

Next trip: Slovenia, Croatia. If I can ever afford it.

Would you still be friends with me if I dressed like him? 

Not going to yoga for a month and then going again is sort of killer.

My new motto: get in shape or die.

Actually it should be: get in shape or be fat. That one sounds more reasonable. But when I'm at the gym I get in this crazy competitive mindstate where I decide I need to be really good at things I'm not naturally good at.

Plan for the day: yoga in the morning, lunch, nap, weights with dad in the afternoon.
Yup, I'm compulsive once I decide to do something.

I have become obsessed with working out. If only I would do it obsessively instead of just thinking about it obsessively.

My roommate and I just found something in our fridge we are both 100% certain we did not buy. I think both of us are thinking "I bet you bought it," and both of us feel 100% certain we did not. Crazzzzzy.

I feel like reading poetry so I'm gonna do it.

Titanic and gin and tonic. Waiting for people to come over so we can go out.

My strapless bra is too tight. It's hurting my ribcage.

Little quiet, sort of out of it tonight. It was raining on the way home and I didn't mind because it seemed fitting. I miss Danny and other people who make me exuberantly happy and talkative. I'm happy Danny is coming home tomorrow.

I completed the first week of Couch 2 5 k! Yes! Sadly, running very little and slowly makes me very sweaty so I got into the shower and there was a giant scary moth! It was so horrible! I managed to kill it though.

Cleaning frenzies are surprisingly satisfying.

Since I prefer not to eat alone (Liz Lemon: Sometimes to feel like I have company during dinner I dispute credit card charged on speaker phone) and Danny is still at his cabin, last night I made chicken cacciatore at my dad's house and it was quite successful. Now that the sleep study is done, this week is working out well.

I'm so excited for my last nap to be over that I don't think I'll be able to sleep through it.

I don't know when I'm dreaming or not. Sometimes I'm pretty sure it's my imagination.

Things I want to do:
Wash my face
Take a shower
Go on the treadmill


Things I don't want to do:
Sit here
Sleep

Things I have to do until at least 5 today:
Sit here
Sleep

"Food can't hurt me, food can't cheat on me, it's like my everything."
-Truelife "I'm addicted to food."

She makes a food addiction sound very reasonable.

I think I got to sleep during nap two. I am too tense for this.

First nap, failed to sleep. Sort of slept. Now I am more sleepy. Ate mediocre omelette and cereal and still feel hungry. Mostly couldn't sleep because my stomach was growling.

Sleep test:
It's weird getting to a medical center at 9pm. Everything is very closed and silent and even though you know you are supposed to be there, you still feel like an intruder.
Then I had to change into my pj's, or my "pjs" since normally the most I sleep in is a t-shirt and underwear. Sometimes I go without the t-shirt or underwear, so wearing shorts over my underwear was a big struggle for me.
I got to try out a sleep apnea mask in case I  had sleep apnea, which thankfully I don't because that mask was crazy.
I got awkwardly wired up. The most awkward one was the one under my left boob, where I had to lift my shirt and breast up for him to put the wire there. I also have wire in my hair which they put in with sticky white stuff causing my hair to stick up in funny directions. I look so hot. I considered taking a picture, but I am just too attractive right now, it would be overwhelming. On the bright side the thing that went up my nose and the things on my legs and around my chest and stomach have been removed and now I just have this fun necklace that the wires attach to. By fun I mean giant box.
Then I watched five minutes of the Teen Wolf finale. I am hoping the episodes are online and I can catch up today.
Sleepy time! They tell you in the literature that despite all the wires people actually sleep very well. Not true. Normally I am a great sleeper and conk out really fast (or have insomnia for several hours, one of those). Instead I awkward try to lay in my normal position with wires everywhere could only think "I wonder what their results are saying right now!? Am I in REM sleep?! Are my eyes moving fast? Would I be able to tell if my eyes are moving fast? Is this a dream or my imagination? I clearly don't have a sleep disorder because I am not sleep yet. I sort of have to pee, but then I have to call for the guy and I am too committed to sleep at this point to talk or open my eyes." *Repeat cycle for what seemed like several hundred times.
In the middle of the night I actually did wake up to pee and then I was up for what seemed like hours, but was probably like ten minutes thinking the same thoughts and trying to figure out my plans for the next few days because that is really important to do in the middle of the night.
Then, at what seemed like 2AM, but was actually 6AM I was awoken and had to pee in a cup, get dressed, fill out questionnaires, and order breakfast and lunch. Now I alternate doing nothing and napping for undisclosed periods of time. I wish they hadn't told me they were undisclosed. Now I am going to sit awake going "I wonder how long I get to nap for. What if I don't fall asleep during my nap time? I wish I could watch Teen Wolf right now."

I am really attracted to this character on Skins. Shitty MTV shows are my favorite.

I really hate it on tv shows when they randomly burst into song.

Everything is happening in my life today. When I get stressed my body shuts down. I am getting tested to see why my body shuts down. I am being so inarticulate.

Coryell Island so far:
Read Room.
Went canoeing.
Sat on Government.
Ate fajitas.
Slept for a long time.
Slept more.
Started Brief Interviews with Hideous Men.
Went kayaking.
Made and ate mostaciolli.
Got drunk off wine.
Continued to read Brief Interviews with Hideous Men.
Slept more.

When I was ten I also decided to grow out my nails and went to Coryell Island. This coincided with my mom and I fixing up the path that my Uncle Eric built to the properties that my Uncles and Dad own on the other side of my island. One day I looked down at my nail and it had been cleanly sawed off. I kept imagining what it would have been like if that had been my finger.

I can always tell when I like someone because whenever anything at all happens I just want to tell them about it and hear about everything that has happened to them as well.

Searching pictures of the Les Cheneaux is basically being packed and in the car. 

Taking pictures of yourself on the computer is also the same thing as packing.

Having clothes in a pile on the floor next to a suitcase is the same thing as being packed.

Can I go to Coryell Island now?

Tonight as I was biking it occurred to me that my cat was probably in one of the buildings I was biking by and I wanted to go in and steal him away. Then I thought about how unfair it is to everyone else that I have lost so many things this year and now they have to deal with me-who-has-lost-things and is-worried-about-losing-other-things. Then I got home and wondered why I felt so funny and remembered I was drunk.

Sometimes I try and look nice and then immediately afterwards I bike 11 miles.

I sort of wanted a tumblr until I found this really gross one and realized I would sort of hate myself if I actually had a lot of followers and shit that said things like "y r u so sexy." I'm so tired I am becoming delirious and hateful. I need to sleep.

Today all the teachers stopped working and colored pictures for the book the 5-8 year olds normally illustrate. It was a good day.

Today a five year old said, "I like how you laugh a lot." This after I continuously berated her for talking too much and not coloring enough.
"Did you just say you like how I laugh a lot?"
"Yeah," she said. "It means that you are happy."