I'm not sure if I can actually bring myself to print my story. I definitely can't bring myself to read it and I don't know where to revise it anymore on my own. I guess I should bring. I should just do it. I will feel better.

When does my inability to sleep become insomnia? I get so tired and then when it's time to actually sleep I can't do it.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dddddddddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr.

Last night was the last Jazz Night of the school year. Lots of German club people were there, which is always enjoyable. It's refreshing to have a good time at the end of the year when I'm fed up with everything. Then I met up with John Williams, who was doing night photography, which was also quite enjoyable. Sadly, I woke at 8 in the morning due the the alcohol in my system disrupting my sleep patterns, but then I went to breakfast, a rare and pleasant occurrence.
Plan for the day: Meet with my advanced writing professor for the last time and go over my completed story. Last German 202 class! Then lunch of falafel (excellent), then work until she lets me leave, and then napping until I'm going to see a movie, and then I'm going to enjoy my last night of fun-making until I get home, as the next two days will mostly be devoted to studying for my German test. I think I can get a 4.0 for the term as long I get an A on the test, which sadly requires the reading of Egmont by Goethe, which is in German and difficult to understand. Now I'm just ranting, because I don't have anywhere to be until ten.

Paper edit done.

Now:
1. Story edit
2. German class
3. German final

Ich bin fast nach Hause.

1 German class left
1 Paper to edit
1 Story to edit
1 German final

Your body says you have lost and you listen

I swam underwater for two months
This was only identified later,
after I spoke of the constant noise,
like a buzzing, but no bee could survive
in the ocean and the pressure I felt
on my limbs when I tried to move them
as if they have been stuck sandman full.
I emerged to find my toes like raisens,
my fingers like prunes, going forward
slowly and underneath the waves.

Later, I didn't remember what it was
that I had lost. I considered my time
spent at sea. A beach ball perhaps.
That bucket I liked to make towers with.
And I had cried over those things?
Something gone that no longer has substance.

I just read an article about how rappers have to buy fake bling because of the recession. What is this country coming to?

I want to have a dinner party.
We can wear nice clothing and Danny and I will make dinner (once I tell him about my plan to have a dinner party) and I will wear an apron and carry around a cocktail. It will be really splendid.

I want to do a lot of other things too.

I cannot sleep there are so many things I want to do.

I'll be home in a week. I wish I had poems or something to post, because I feel like I am posting the same thing over and over again, but I have nothing to write a poem about. My day was average, my mood indifferent, the sky gray. I am just trying to get through the next six days, but really nothing is so bad except that life lacks excitement and when it has excitement I wonder whether it's the wrong kind of excitement. There are some moments that are just right and I need a right moment. I have a hankering to watch John Hughes films for hours. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am stuck in adolescence. Let's play spin the bottle and listen to bad pop music and talk about the boys that we think are cute.

Okay, so I'm a little bitter. I don't think anyone would blame me though.

(Home a week from tomorrow)

Oh my goodness, I am so excited to go home.

You know it's almost finals when you have to clear all the books off your bed to go to sleep.

German Club

I really love the German program and people in German. It has been one of the few really good parts of this school year. Seriously, I can't express how grateful I am to everyone. It has been the one good constant that I can count on. If I were to name this term or even this school year it would be "The time period that I lost faith in people." It was the one thing I had faith in, which sounds silly, because it's just German club, but I feel I should say it, even though sincerity is silly and feels ridiculous.

Very strange night last night. I think I prefer home or normality where nothing like that happens. That's why I put a stop to these things before it can get out of control.

I am not napping outside. I tried and failed.

I want to take a nap outside.

Things I want to do this summer: ride my bike, go to the beach, go tubing, go camping, knit a sweater, go on lots of walks with my dog, go on walks with people, lie in the grass, lie on the beach, wear small amounts of clothing, write things, speak German, read a book in German and understand it, ride in various types of boats, be happy.

I finished my socks! They are so amazing! I will post pictures soon!

I shut myself alone in my room, because I'm afraid
to tell others that I'm lonely. The water is sour
here, but I drink regardless. I don't wash
my cup. Loneliness is equated with something
a different, darker color, but all it really means
is that no one is here. Eating the same thing
everyday will cause a nutrient deficient
and this applies to things outside the body
as well. I want to consume the sunshine
and have it glow brightly from somewhere
in my intestines. The problem is that everything
gets pushed out again, leaving only a lack of light.

To be with someone, you must have agreement
about something. We both like the sunshine
and this is enough.

To Pull the Stinger off of a Bee

I was swatting at the bee and it stung
me and everyone said,
"But why did you let the bee around you?"
as if I were the one who flew and buzzed
and spent my days in pursuit of honey.

The stinger got stuck.
It had to be coaxed out
while the bee lay
dying. An appropriate punishment.

There are steaming holes on my campus. It rained the whole day on Friday, flooding most of the campus and the surrounding city. When that happened, a man hole started to steam. It was so hot, it created a ditch around the man hole. The steam spread and now there are these disgusting holes in the ground. It's really fascinating, in a rather grotesque way.

Poems to post when I come back from work. I know you are on the edge of your seat. Also, does anyone have an interest in reading the story I wrote for advanced writing and tell me if it's awful? It's currently 40 double spaced pages, but will probably end up being around 55.

Let's play escapist and go somewhere fun.

Who's with me?

(I'm dreading the "o comments" at the bottom of this message)

There's a first year in the townhouse and she is wearing crocs.

My feet have been wet and cold since ten this morning. I am just begging for some awful sickness. Swine flu anyone?

I'm going to Galena tonight to volunteer at the Galena triathalon tomorrow.

I am the sleepiest person in the whole world.

Sara and I made iron-on t-shirts for German club.

My right middle finger is burnt and my left wrist. Luckily I attended Jazz Night first, so I had things in my system to ease the pain.

Good night.

Okay, I know I complain about people, but I really do appreciate people sometimes. I do. You know who you are. And if you don't, I probably appreciate you.

I told the counselor that I feel apathetic and she told me I'm just not as anxious or depressed anymore.

On a side note: When I was in Italy and I was depressed, I read all of the awful novels my host mother had, like Shopaholic, etc. It made me feel better because when I'm thinking about shoes I am not thinking about awful things. Lately I've spent a great deal of time watching awful television shows. I am not even going to tell you what I'm watching, it's too embarrassing. Any ways, this made me think of certain people I've met in life, who focus greatly on current pop culture and seem less concerned with questions of their existence. Usually these people and I do not become friends. When I meet these people I wonder what they think about and then I realized what they think about: they think about shoes. They think about inconsequential vapid things, only working themselves into an emotional state over relationships, because that's all that matters in the vapid world that quickly turns into the world of a soccer mom. Of course, this is a vast generalization of people that I've never met. Also, I do the same thing.

German is beginning to affect my ability to communicate in English.
I can't tell if I'm happy or not. I tried to write an essay on happiness my senior year of highschool. I never finished it. I always finish everything. I couldn't, because it was too confusing. It go too convoluted until I didn't know what I was writing about anymore.

Maybe instead of trying to write I will go watch vapid television.

I miss people in St. Paul so much.

Fuck, I'm lonely.

I got so much done this afternoon and last night. Now I have fizzled. I am going to get in bed with my laptop and write. Also, I ate too much and have that icky bloated feeling. I want to say that I want to go on an adventure, but I think what I mostly want is sleep.

Everything I didn't want to happen this term has happened. I feel rather eroded. I question on whether or not I'm counting on being home too much to make me happy. I only really get upset when I'm writing, that's why I didn't write for three weeks. Now I'm writing again, but I feel awful. I'm not even sure if I'm unhappy. See the state I get in when I write? This is terrible.

I have mastered the art of losing friends. Let me tell you, it feels really fucking fantastic. I have this awful fear that I'm going to go home and lose those friends too.

How readily can one sneak alcohol into Founders to aid writing? My writing needs a lot of aides.

The countdown always starts too high

21 days until I'm home.
1 paper
1 story
1 Referat
1 German final
1 German take home test
3 Critical responses
Too much reading to list.

17 Caf. meals left
$70.75 dining dollars left

3 German movies
3 German club meetings
1 German speaking event
3 ATP meetings

Hopefully these things will keep me busy until I leave.

I want to be her when I grow up

It is rather irrelevant to state one's true feelings when one is upset. No one knows what to say and people judge it as being invalid or people judge me and label me as such. (I am so behind in everything).

I got F'lunked

Best part of my day.

I need something really fantastic, but I don't think the fantastic can be artificially manufactured.

It's Flunk day

If you don't know what Flunk day is, go here

I'm rather drunk and dinner looked unappetizing, so people are getting a pizza and we are going to have a drunk picnic. Fantastic!

I love everyone sort of. I love the people at home and a limited number at school. I am so excited to come home! I am covered in paint!

Tooth grinding Tuesday

I fell asleep at work. Now I'm on my blog at work.

German class
German club
German movie
nap?

It's really difficult having so many things to do when all I want to do is nothing.

I went for a long walk through Galesburg to think about things. Nothing became anymore or any less settled in my mind. I saw a train. It's kind of nice to walk next to trains the same way it's nice to walk next to the river. Moving things are nice maybe? I saw a cat and the cat looked at me suspiciously. When I was walking back a car stopped next to me and a man stuck his head out the window and looked at me. They must've said something, but I don't know what as I was listening to music. Then I saw a dog. A car stopped for it. Now I am attempting to work on my story, but quite obviously am not as I am writing a blog entry.

Dismemberment

Push my breasts in like buttons
when I say you deflate me, I mean for real.
Take off my fingers, one by one
and I will bite the nails.
Remove one of my arms and sew it to a pillow
and it will be just like sleeping with me
every night.

I ripped off the heads of all my Barbie dolls
because none of them were the prettiest one.
That doesn't happen to the prettiest one,
but to the one that is available for sacrifice
with her belly fat and wild hair.
She walks in unassuming, her pubic hairs
poke through her underwear. How does one say no,
to what is not a question?

There are lots of Birds in the Sky

I’m starting to think everyone is beautiful. Think if people were
grass and lined the Earth with little green points except for the
ocean and think if you were in the ocean and faraway from the
spikes of humanity. This would make us more appealing, would make us
not a giant trampled footstep that becomes muddy in the rain
and I’m starting to think that people are grass and that I
got stuck somewhere in the sky. The sky would be lonelier than the sea
because no one ever says, It’s okay, there are plenty of birds in the air.

Some people are pebbles and some people are even less and become
sand and I like to lie on the beach and cover my feet with these people,
cover my legs until they are sun warmed. Later I find these people
in spots I don’t want to be, in crevices that should not exist and I
shower in the water of non-humanity except that people could be
rain too or more like hail, an assault despite all the faith in the
sun shine.

Our skin is too simple and I try to apply more. We are all beautiful
in the way that there has never been an ugly lily, except that lilies
cost more money than people do. I liked bugs when I was sitting
under a pine tree, it’s trunk supporting my back, because we were
out there together, because we were having the same moment
of the same day on my island and perhaps I would like it better
if people were ugly like the ant, but not the kind that attacks my feet
as I walk, but the lone ant that crawls across the skin.

I am going to write some poems today, because I want to. I want to write something massive and flowing, but mostly a train of thought.

Plan for today: German club officer brunch, coffee with Allison? (old roommate), some poem writing, ATP meeting, dinner, homework, sleep, tomorrow: Flunk day.

Okay, so I have really important and personal things to say, but I'm not going to say them. I am going to say instead: I am at a really rough place with people. I really apologize for being the way I am and for being so difficult lately. I promise I'll get through it and be happier. I'll stop making stupid mistakes. I know it's my fault. I hate the things I'm thinking because the things I'm thinking are cliche. I'm getting too personal aren't I? I don't even know who reads this fucking blog. I need to go home so badly. I needed to go home before, but that was homesickness, now I have a very legit need and reason to leave. I still have a month. I need to be away from here.

The crisis hits now, therefore it is time to sleep before I really discover how I feel.