I feel awful.

Two things:
I don't think I am going to buy zucchini anymore. I don't really like it.
The Austrian news comes on at 7:20. They may have the metric system, but at least the U.S. has the six o'clock news.

I want to tell you to read Underworld, but I can't. I can't tell you anything at all as that might imply things that are true.

Here is a prose poem I wrote over the summer. 

He said: I want to know where to find you.

            All the people he was really in love with worked in the service industry. Baristas, the girl at the sandwich shop, clothing store cashiers. How many times can a person really go shirt shopping and have it still be innocent? I worked in the wrong places and he could never find me.

            When I go out I like to sit at the bar. This is the same concept: the word bar. Bar, planted in the ground, it holds you rooted though your feet are not touching the ground. There is always a person on the other side. There are people around you and you sip slowly together, slowly ease into conversation. Though these people change, they might as well not, they all drink the same beer, have the same belly. Either are too young or too old.

            One time I rode my bicycle past him and he started screaming, “You’re on a bike! You’re on a bike!” as if I should know better. I didn’t stop though it wouldn’t have been difficult.

            In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy run into each other at all sorts of functions, the best of which being the moors. He said: if only I could go out into the woods and find you there.

            When we definitely were not dating, he told one of his friends that it was a bad idea to hook up with people outside of a relationship. It hurts too badly to lose people. When he told me the story, I asked him where I had gone to. He didn’t understand the question or maybe he just didn’t notice I was there.

            When we were actually definitely not dating I sent him a poem and he said: this is not a place. 

I am organizing my documents. It's like how I like to clean when I feel bad. I am so separate from my writing that I am starting to like some of it again. Maybe I will post something that no one will read, but I am going to pretend everyone is going to read it.

"The more she loved him, the scareder he got."

I want such little things, but wanting anything at all proves to be wholly toxic to any relationship.

Every time I make an impulse buy it ends up being a mango.

I think it's over again. I didn't cry this time. The first time I cried a lot. Everytime after that I cried less and less until August when I cried a lot again. This time I'm not crying, even if it's actually over. It doesn't particularly matter. I will just be slighty more lonely than I was before. I will sit and do my puzzle and listen to music. I will actually put some effort into my appearance because when I do that I like myself more. I am not very needy right now. Conversely this is because I am so wholly needy that my needs have become basic. I don't need boys. I have a puzzle and I am going to Munich either this weekend or next and I get to see my dad in February and these thing are enough.

See the faraway pizza with mussels and squid on it? That was my pizza. Really good. 

Tiramisu and caffe lattes. 

All I did on vacation was eat. 

Beer and pizza forever!!!!!!

I am going to be the third wheel/alone forever because I only want to kiss/have sex with people that I care about and that care about me and no one cares about me and I don't particularly care about anyone. This sucks.

My dad sent me an email telling me that my aunt and uncle are getting divorced. I was sad when I read it, but all the sudden today I got really sad about it. Maybe it's because my head is congested and I can't think straight, but I got angry at adults (real adults, not people in their twenties) for no longer holding up the facade that life can be stable and good and someday I will be past this horrible turmoil of 22.

I went back to Italy after two years of being away. Italy seems to be a place I am continuously returning to though I have so many problems with it. This time I just went to Venice. Venice is distinctly different from other part of Italy in terms of the food they eat and the fact that the whole city goes to bed around 10pm. I understand the appeal of Italy. Every day we woke up and got breakfast (usually a sandwich, but one day I got a pastry and it was so good) and then walked around, getting lost and seeing museums and things until 2pm when it was pizza time. The pizza is so much better then pizza in Austria. Austria has the worst pizza of any country I’ve ever been to.

The first night I got too drunk and threw up. This was confusing to me. I didn’t feel overly drunk. I didn’t fall into a canal or do anything ridiculously stupid. I remember saying “It’s this fucking country, always make me vomit” as I was bent over the toilet. This means I made it three days into 2011 before throwing up. Really good.

I didn’t appreciate the Peggy Guggenheim last time, but this time I was in love. I get this tingly feeling all over when looking at art I really like. We heard this intern give a history of her life and it was really interesting. I really want to be Peggy Guggenheim. My life feels so incomplete because I am separated from artists of all kinds. Luckily on the return home, I found a large package of cookies and a kneeded eraser from the Art Academy.

I am sick now. I blame the dirtiness of Italy.

Also, look at this.Another time when I was too drunk.  

I'm going to Venice on a night train. This is where I forget about you. (this you referring to one you, not the general you of course) and eat lots of pizza and pasta and ride on boats to get everywhere and look at art.

I am a television addict without access to the shows that I like.
I am a writer without access to books in my native language.
Of course I am not going to be happy.

New Years Eve should have been better than it was. Why is it that all nights that are supposed to be extra good turn out poorly? 

I no longer have MTV. MTV decided it was a premium channel. Fuckers. This seems deliberate. Instead of watching MTV I watched a German dating show about farmers looking for love called "Bauer sucht Frauen." It was probably the funniest dating show I have ever seen.

When I walk into Freistadt Mcdonald's everyone stares at me. There are two possible reasons for this:
1. I'm super hot.
2. I'm really obviously a foreigner and thus everyone feels it's a good idea to stare at me and make me feel more foreign.
I'm just going to pretend it's 1.

The woman who works at the McCafe knows my order and gave me a stamp card. I'm a privileged McCafe customer. I never thought I would have such an honor.

Here are my New Years Resolutions:
1. Eat more mangoes. I really enjoyed the two whole mangoes I consumed in 2010 and want to continue this trend. Plus a whole mango only has around 110 calories.
2. Start running. I think this is my resolution everywhere, but I feel terribly out of shape and have a lot of time. The downer to this is that it's very cold outside.
3. Try to actually do a sprint triathlon in the fall.
4. Apply to graduate school.
5. Be happy with and without boys.