I told the counselor that I feel apathetic and she told me I'm just not as anxious or depressed anymore.

On a side note: When I was in Italy and I was depressed, I read all of the awful novels my host mother had, like Shopaholic, etc. It made me feel better because when I'm thinking about shoes I am not thinking about awful things. Lately I've spent a great deal of time watching awful television shows. I am not even going to tell you what I'm watching, it's too embarrassing. Any ways, this made me think of certain people I've met in life, who focus greatly on current pop culture and seem less concerned with questions of their existence. Usually these people and I do not become friends. When I meet these people I wonder what they think about and then I realized what they think about: they think about shoes. They think about inconsequential vapid things, only working themselves into an emotional state over relationships, because that's all that matters in the vapid world that quickly turns into the world of a soccer mom. Of course, this is a vast generalization of people that I've never met. Also, I do the same thing.

German is beginning to affect my ability to communicate in English.
I can't tell if I'm happy or not. I tried to write an essay on happiness my senior year of highschool. I never finished it. I always finish everything. I couldn't, because it was too confusing. It go too convoluted until I didn't know what I was writing about anymore.

Maybe instead of trying to write I will go watch vapid television.

I miss people in St. Paul so much.

Fuck, I'm lonely.

I got so much done this afternoon and last night. Now I have fizzled. I am going to get in bed with my laptop and write. Also, I ate too much and have that icky bloated feeling. I want to say that I want to go on an adventure, but I think what I mostly want is sleep.

Everything I didn't want to happen this term has happened. I feel rather eroded. I question on whether or not I'm counting on being home too much to make me happy. I only really get upset when I'm writing, that's why I didn't write for three weeks. Now I'm writing again, but I feel awful. I'm not even sure if I'm unhappy. See the state I get in when I write? This is terrible.

I have mastered the art of losing friends. Let me tell you, it feels really fucking fantastic. I have this awful fear that I'm going to go home and lose those friends too.

How readily can one sneak alcohol into Founders to aid writing? My writing needs a lot of aides.

The countdown always starts too high

21 days until I'm home.
1 paper
1 story
1 Referat
1 German final
1 German take home test
3 Critical responses
Too much reading to list.

17 Caf. meals left
$70.75 dining dollars left

3 German movies
3 German club meetings
1 German speaking event
3 ATP meetings

Hopefully these things will keep me busy until I leave.

I want to be her when I grow up

It is rather irrelevant to state one's true feelings when one is upset. No one knows what to say and people judge it as being invalid or people judge me and label me as such. (I am so behind in everything).

I got F'lunked

Best part of my day.

I need something really fantastic, but I don't think the fantastic can be artificially manufactured.

It's Flunk day

If you don't know what Flunk day is, go here

I'm rather drunk and dinner looked unappetizing, so people are getting a pizza and we are going to have a drunk picnic. Fantastic!

I love everyone sort of. I love the people at home and a limited number at school. I am so excited to come home! I am covered in paint!

Tooth grinding Tuesday

I fell asleep at work. Now I'm on my blog at work.

German class
German club
German movie
nap?

It's really difficult having so many things to do when all I want to do is nothing.

I went for a long walk through Galesburg to think about things. Nothing became anymore or any less settled in my mind. I saw a train. It's kind of nice to walk next to trains the same way it's nice to walk next to the river. Moving things are nice maybe? I saw a cat and the cat looked at me suspiciously. When I was walking back a car stopped next to me and a man stuck his head out the window and looked at me. They must've said something, but I don't know what as I was listening to music. Then I saw a dog. A car stopped for it. Now I am attempting to work on my story, but quite obviously am not as I am writing a blog entry.

Dismemberment

Push my breasts in like buttons
when I say you deflate me, I mean for real.
Take off my fingers, one by one
and I will bite the nails.
Remove one of my arms and sew it to a pillow
and it will be just like sleeping with me
every night.

I ripped off the heads of all my Barbie dolls
because none of them were the prettiest one.
That doesn't happen to the prettiest one,
but to the one that is available for sacrifice
with her belly fat and wild hair.
She walks in unassuming, her pubic hairs
poke through her underwear. How does one say no,
to what is not a question?

There are lots of Birds in the Sky

I’m starting to think everyone is beautiful. Think if people were
grass and lined the Earth with little green points except for the
ocean and think if you were in the ocean and faraway from the
spikes of humanity. This would make us more appealing, would make us
not a giant trampled footstep that becomes muddy in the rain
and I’m starting to think that people are grass and that I
got stuck somewhere in the sky. The sky would be lonelier than the sea
because no one ever says, It’s okay, there are plenty of birds in the air.

Some people are pebbles and some people are even less and become
sand and I like to lie on the beach and cover my feet with these people,
cover my legs until they are sun warmed. Later I find these people
in spots I don’t want to be, in crevices that should not exist and I
shower in the water of non-humanity except that people could be
rain too or more like hail, an assault despite all the faith in the
sun shine.

Our skin is too simple and I try to apply more. We are all beautiful
in the way that there has never been an ugly lily, except that lilies
cost more money than people do. I liked bugs when I was sitting
under a pine tree, it’s trunk supporting my back, because we were
out there together, because we were having the same moment
of the same day on my island and perhaps I would like it better
if people were ugly like the ant, but not the kind that attacks my feet
as I walk, but the lone ant that crawls across the skin.

I am going to write some poems today, because I want to. I want to write something massive and flowing, but mostly a train of thought.

Plan for today: German club officer brunch, coffee with Allison? (old roommate), some poem writing, ATP meeting, dinner, homework, sleep, tomorrow: Flunk day.

Okay, so I have really important and personal things to say, but I'm not going to say them. I am going to say instead: I am at a really rough place with people. I really apologize for being the way I am and for being so difficult lately. I promise I'll get through it and be happier. I'll stop making stupid mistakes. I know it's my fault. I hate the things I'm thinking because the things I'm thinking are cliche. I'm getting too personal aren't I? I don't even know who reads this fucking blog. I need to go home so badly. I needed to go home before, but that was homesickness, now I have a very legit need and reason to leave. I still have a month. I need to be away from here.

The crisis hits now, therefore it is time to sleep before I really discover how I feel.