I just thought: I want to burn all the fat off my body. This sounds so violent, like I want to set fire to myself. In high school I wrote a lot of memoir about staring at myself naked in the mirror at night. I still do this. I didn't for a while, I was satisfied or so unsatisfied I couldn't even bring myself to look in the mirror without clothes. When I think of having sex, I think only of wanting to be naked with someone else, looking for validation of my body. I don't know what this validation means, validation that I'm fat or thin or that I look different than before, whatever it is, it's a poor reason to ever want to be with anyone.