It's hard hearing adjectives about yourself. This is probably an incredibly vain statement, but recently I've had the opportunity to hear many nice things about myself and of course I'm happy to hear them, but not as happy as I was expecting. It's not a thrill I need. For a long time the first way I would have described myself is "difficult," but increasingly when I mention that people disagree in a perplexed tone and I'm not sure how I am anymore. One time in high school Kaleigh said that it bothers her that she never really knows what her face looks like and in my own self-absorbed way I think about this a lot, though larger, how I never really know anything about myself.

Happiness is distracting.

One more time: I got into graduate school.

One of the best parts of getting into graduate school: celebrating getting into graduate school.

Last night I had to remind myself that I'm an atheist, I don't have to believe in karma or fate, I can be as happy I want for as long as I like.

I got into my first graduate school. I would be happy to go there. If I get in nowhere else, everything will be okay. All the work I've put in all these years feels validated now.

There is something really satisfying about waking up feeling really sick and then still have a great day.

Life is pretty good. I'm also pretty hungover. I woke up this morning and discovered a blood vessel popped in my eye sometime last night. Last time a blood vessel popped in my eye it was finals week sophomore year of college and I was really stressed. I think I had so much fun a blood vessel popped. Like how I get happiness hives.

Going to work on a Saturday morning is especially unappealing when there are things I would much rather be doing after work.

Sometimes I want to do things I can't or should not do at the present moment. This list usually includes things like
Eat chocolate
Eat an entire pizza
Eat bacon
Engage in sexual intercourse
Etc.
That's why there are other things, like going out to lunch and swimming.

Probably going to Target and buying toilet paper would've been a better use of my time. But getting a lot done on my puzzle was good too.

Upped my mileage running today and as a result felt great and wonderful and successful and then promptly get a phone call from my second job saying that I currently have zero hours because business is really slow. It's an equilibrium. Being too happy is dangerous and I am close to too happy as everything in my life seems to be going right, so I need something to go wrong.

The worst part about the cold is not the cold itself, which admittedly is quite terrible, but everyone talking about the forecast, just how cold it's going to get, so the cold is surrounding us constantly and always in our consciousness.

I can only imagine how many books would've been in my bed in college if I'd had a double bed.

Me: I'm studying German again.
Dad: Why?
Me: For fun. You know, it's a hobby.
Dad: Why don't you write for fun?
Me: That's not a hobby, that's what I want to do with my life. Do you figure out bank data storage space for fun?
Dad: (laughs) I guess you're right.

There is something incredibly unsexy about waking up and going to barbell strength class. A better thing to do would be to follow my urges and keep drinking tea and reading poetry, but that helps very few of my muscles.

Bittersweet mornings.

It has been so long since I had to get up for work in the morning that I forgot what mornings were like, all sore and groggy.

I had a dream that I forgot to show up to work on time after the 5 week hiatus. It was quite terrifying. During the summer I get insomnia worrying about oversleeping.

The kind of hungry where you are so hungry that everything in the whole wide world sounds good.