I, like most people, love being inside while it's raining. Being inside where I can see windows. It's the only time I can appreciate being alone and inside.

I want to talk about writing all day long. It makes me so happy. It makes me not care that I can't sustain a relationship and that I spent all of last night alone, sitting on the floor doing a puzzle and watching tv and that is how I spent Tuesday night as well.

Also, the PR office is writing a story about me and other Fulbright receivers. I work there, so it's even more exciting.

Times I woke up last night:
2AM
5:30AM
8AM
10:15AM (that's when my alarm was set for)

I'm tired of feeling tingly and painful over this. I need to snap the fuck out of it.

Getting a Fulbright did not solve everything. Why not?

Why do I wake up every morning and still feel awful over someone who is not worth that?

Poise

and purpose

I got a Fulbright to Austria. I am happy, but mostly I am terrified and I am still sad about other things. (I can see the disappointment in people before I post this. Why can't I just be happy when really amazing things like getting a Fulbright happen? Because some deeper sort of feelings in me have been wounded.) I am excited though.

I just thought "Wouldn't it be nice if I could eat my ice cream in bed and then not have to get up to put it back in the freezer?" And then I realized this is why they make bowls.

Then I get back here again, this acceptance of who I am as a human being. I will always get upset when I lose a person I care about, even if it was irrational, even if it wasn't my fault (does it matter if it was?), even if it will make me feel better later. I will always care about things more than other people appear to and I will continue to cry a lot probably for several more days until I have a final fit where I settle into acceptance and then forgetting.

This is what he is doing: avoiding me because he feels bad. I don't know that he feels bad, but I know he is avoiding me and I can only assume it's because he knows he made me feel bad.

I warned him, I warn everyone, but no one really gets it until I start uttering those words I am worried because I care, which people take to mean so much more than it ever will. I worry about everything. I care about you and I care about that sandwich that I am going to eat at lunch and my dog and my cat and my skin and every single person I've known whether I like them or not. Sex makes it a different nature of caring, but I know this cycle. Know that no one wants to be together forever yet, especially not me, know that it will end and I will feel awful and then better and then will find someone new.

Who am I saying this too? I don't know anymore.

Michelle read one of my stories and said, "This sounds familiar" and I told her no, it was about a different person, in a different time. But it was familiar. It's the same story.

We don't understand each other anymore

Huh. I am surprised by this new development, but not surprised at the same time. Contrary to my last post, people keep acting like so much themselves.

People are often not what you think they will be. This is true of me as well.

Things get easier and things get harder again. I write flash fictions about tea. I write flash fictions about alcohol. I eat dinner outside and listen to boys that remind me why I don't like boys like that. (Are you going to ask her out? Oh hell no, I'll sleep with her, but I wouldn't date her. If he thinks she's not cute either she's really hot or really ugly. We were lying in bed and she was mad at me so I jumped on top of her and said "What did you say?") I wonder what I am going to do for the entire evening. I think about how I haven't wondered that in months. I think about calling people to find something to do and don't know who to call. I think about writing. My stomach hurts. I should go to the gym. The only time I care so much about how my body looks is when I have been snubbed and then I try my hardest to look really good. It makes no difference and I always end up eaitng too much when I feel poorly.

Monica game me Deb Olin Unferth's novel "Vacations" to read this morning and I am halfway through. I napped on the couch all afternoon and it was pleasant. I forgot how much I like reading and like novels, especially novels written by funny flash fictions writers.

We talked about my introduction and mainly she said the parts that are most interesting is when I am talking about the perception that other people have of me and how I am defined and how I am continually defining things and when I talk about my body and it sounded so much like me as a whole. It really all goes back to have a body. Do all people experience this? Having a body?

Ugh, I hate feelings. If I could I would be one of those people who has a lot of meaningless sex, but I'm not one of those people. Do those people really exist? I'm not sure they do. I really don't like being attached to people though. The whole experience is rather uncomfortable.

It makes me so upset that I am upset right now. This is so dumb.

Somethings about today:
1. It was really good.
2. I really like a lot of my sisters a lot.
3. My apartment is a mess, but I'm not going to clean it until tomorrow.
4. It's hard to drink all day long.
5. It's better when you're not waiting for someone.

Instead of saying regretful things other places: I miss you a lot and don't know what to do about it. We're still in the same place and I am probably never really going to see you again and I don't know why I want to talk to you so much, when I was so apathetic towards you to begin with.

On a side note: Flunk day has been really good, I am just exhausted, so I am taking a nap before going back out for the night.

I just washed lots of mud off my body.

Whenever I feel like shit I get the urge to speak in German so that no one will know I feel bad.

Ich fuehle schlecht, sehr schlecht. Ich hasse Maenner. Jaaa.

I lied. The worst part of breaking up is waking up in the middle of the night and feeling like shit. I feel better during the day when people are around. Supposedly today is Flunk Day which means in an hour or two I will be getting drunk and running around. I'm worried if I can sustain happiness while drunk. I'm not sure. But I am going to do it anyway.