I think I don't like nights where there is pressure to do certain things. I always feel like I am doing the wrong thing.

I told my dad that my windshield wiper broke because I am in a bad mood and he told me that my windshield wiper broke because my windshield had too much ice build up.

I cannot decide who's right.

I'm feeling all sorts of foul today. Yoga didn't make me feel better. Getting a haircut didn't make me feel better. I want today to be better.

I feel like you are being unreasonable.
You feel like I am being unreasonable.
We're all being unreasonable.
There are no compromises.

Things I purchased today:
Shampoo
Conditioner
Razors
Mascara
Bras
Leggings
Tights

Seriously body? How did the upper half get so much bigger without my waist getting much bigger? At some point I remember wanting this.

Repeatedly it comes back to expectations of people. I don't like to not have expectations of people. It means I don't care. Colin said he expects respect. But what is respect? What is it that people do if they respect me? Does respect mean: I will call you when I say I will? Or is it more about gutteral feelings for a person? When I respect people I call them when I say I will. I compromise. I do things that they want to do. I have conversations with them that I find interesting. I tell them about my life and ask about theirs. Some people do this for me. Some people don't. But I don't want to discard the people that don't. Especially not when they are okay sometimes. I get so upset when people are disappointing to me.

But it evens out. I become satisfied so quickly with people. I like everyone so much.

However this speaks enormously about Knox at the moment. I don't think I've ever looked forward to seeing this many people when returned to school before.

I realized I like to be wherever it is that I like more people, which sadly isn't St. Paul right now.

Not to say I don't like you, negative feelings are just overwhelming the good ones at times.

I made a hat. Watched a show about Everest and decided I want to climb it. Was glad I had a new hat to wear on my trip. Went to work out at 10:30PM. Realized that I will never be in good enough shape to make it to base camp.

I am so tired.

(What do you want from me?)
(I want you to wake me up.)

I hate how much I hate Larry. I don't want to be such a resentful human being. Sometimes I wonder if I would hate him so much if my mom introduced him to the situation differently. Instead of "This is Larry and he's now living in our house," it might have been preferable if she started with dinner or something. Sadly, I don't think this is the case. I don't think there is any case where I would like Larry better.

I hate the feeling of staying in bed all day. My muscles feel atrophyed.

Christmas got better.

We got hungry and the hunger forced us to breakfast and from there to presents. Then I went to my dad's and watching a movie by myself with a giant glass of wine and knitting.

I am disappointed in my mother. The one thing I really really wanted for Christmas was to eat the meals at normal times and have things run smoothly and they didn't, not a single meal. Every meal has been several hours late thus far. It's a matter if principle I think. It's not about being hungry and annoyed, but rather it's a sign of things being not well, her inability to function as a normal human being. I guess really what I was saying was, "I want you to be a functional being for two days for Christmas." But it didn't happen.

Who knew I had such nice neighbors?

I woke up on Christmas morning, approximately half an hour ago in a panic because I forgot to move my car for the daytime plowroute and getting my car towed on Christmas would not be very merry.

I asked my brother to help me scrape the snow off my car as I was not dressed, but by the time he got his winter clothes on I was ready to go. He helped scraped the snow off my car, but as he cannot yet drive, he is not very adept at doing so. Of course, my snow got stuck in the foot on snow on the ground and I asked him to get the shovel. He asked why I couldn't get the shovel. I said because I was driving. He then continued to stand there while I tried to drive my car over the snow. So I asked him to get the shovel several more times. He couldn't find the snow shovel, so he brought me a normal shovel. Like for dirt. Then he went inside and sat on the couch leaving me stranded, unable to move outside. Luckily three of my neighbors came and helped me. I went inside, expecting him to have seen the neighbors come help, but in reality he just gave up and went inside. This did not make me happy and I told him so. That did not make him happy and he stormed off and now he refuses to see me because I'm bossy and mean and lazy because I insisted on driving my car while trying to move it. How ridiculous right?

So basically Christmas is ruined. I should feel worse, but I don't, because I don't feel like I was in the wrong. I think he is really irrationally upset and when Kevin is upset he just leaves. For example: he has lived at my dad's house for the past five years or so because he is upset with my mother. I mean he's 15. When I was 15 I got upset over things like this. I apologized several times and he insisted I was lying. Whatever. I'm not going to let it concern me.

Christmas was so much better before the narcolepsy got bad.

My dad bought a llama for a family in a third world country. I think this is my favorite present.

Merry Christmas Eve!

I went to see Avatar with my dad tonight. It was my dad's pick. I thought it was really awful. I will try to articulate my reasoning now:
1. The culture of the blue people was a culmination of stereotypes of lots of oppressed groups of people around the world. They acted like Native Americans act in Pocahantas. I was expecting them to start singing about the colors of the wind. They had braids in their hair, which connected them with black people. Yet they were animal-like, which equates all of these cultures with animals.
2. They were stupid. Yes, I know they call the white boy stupid repeatedly, but he's only stupid when he acts like one of them, kind of like how I would come off as stupid if I pretended to be black. He's stupid because he's pretending to be one of them, which really, the horrible white guy in the movie is right, he can never be one of them.
3. They needed white boy to come in and save them. Their knowledge simply wasn't enough. Not only did they need white boy to lead them, he had sex with the princess all the while knowing that he was betraying them. Way to be a jackass.
4. The message of the movie was really obvious: don't destroy other cultures. But white boy's presence was culture destroying. He was not an observer. He took over.
I spent the whole movie being ashamed of being white and watching white culture make a movie that was so terribly offensive. I don't think this is the way to approach race issues.

On the bright side, there's a blizzard! It looks so Christmasy outside.

Stupid thoughts on the ride home:
People changed in college.
I am vastly different from who I was at some point in time in the past.
The people around me are different/the same.
Things that once would have made me happy don't anymore.
I have different expectations.
I am not satisfied as easily.
When I am satisfied it's more satisfying.
I want to have a good time.
What is a good time?
When is the last time I had one?
I have the eery feeling that everyone I know has thought these exact things before.
I don't want to hurt anyones feelings and make them think I don't like them, because I do, but individually.
I like to do activities all the time.
I like to talk to people one on one.
I like to talk to people one on one that I don't know wholly.
I like to do things with people I know really well.
Also people I don't know really well.
How do I state that I've changed and they've changed without making it sound bad?
Because it isn't bad.
It just happens.
What's going to happen?
This is stupid.
It's annoying to think in cliches.
Do I normally think in cliches?
I think I might.
Oh no Larry is at my house.
My mom decorated the table all Christmasy.
I really love my mom right now.
I love Roald Dahl. I want to read.
I am going to write a blog post.

I do like my mother sometimes. I really do. I made scones this afternoon and she gave me a Christmas present early and it was a Japanese Tea Set with cute little tea cups that I've been saying that I wanted forever. Then she poured me some amaretto and we sat around talking. It was nice.