Working on puzzles all day and night with Julia because we're super badass.

I wrote this today. I'm gonna post it and you're probably not gonna read it and that's okay. It's just the first thing I wrote since this grad school app shit finished and I want to put it somewhere.

Like if you had never seen a banana before, would you say, “I should peel this.” Fruit has skin and flesh and in that way, we identify with it. I was told once that baby animals develop features like baby humans so that if their parents die, we will take care of them. A nannie goat tells her kid son who is standing on top of a very high rock, “Baby humans develop features like baby goats so that if their parents die, we will teach them how to climb.” On average, humans are fifty-seven percent water. In this way, we are all half-lake. When listing off nationalities people say, “I come from the sea, but only on my father’s side.” We can categorize nutrients, make lists. It’s amazing that one fruit can contain the same things as another when they grow on different trees. There’s a limit to substance. My father keeps telling me we have used over half the oil and I keep asking him how his life will change. This isn’t about conservation though. We could kill all the birds and wait several billion years and have more. When I was a kid I used to copy words out of the dictionary, as though this second handwritten dictionary would have more meaning. Everyone I know gets lonely at night, even though after we are done playing peek-a-boo we know that just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. It is always alarming to fall down and discover that you are made of bones after all. In 2065, when we have finished categorizing the Earth, people begin to feel lonely in the daytime. They talk about fruit and what the skin is made of, only instead of talking they take pictures of their brains and read what the colors say.  

Lay around in bed all day. Julia is coming back. I'm hungry. Writing a prose poem.

Okay, I might still cry when I get mad at people who used to be my friends, it happens.

This will only encourage the fuel but, FUCK YOU.

I WANT CHOCOLATE SO BAD.

Barbell strength class was excellent. I feel excellent now. Really good. Love it. Think I'm gonna pop some ibuprofen, sit on some ice, knit some socks, and then go to yoga this afternoon.

Day #3 of trying to work out with a bruised tailbone. Today: barbell strength class.

It's okay to sit around by yourself, watch way too much tv, knit socks, and feel things you should never ever feel, right?

Apparently my stomach pain might be caused by my tailbone pain according to this one website I found. Everything is connected.

Also I had no concentration. I know exactly why. Unfortunately it's not one of those things that just gets resolved, but instead one of those awful intangible things that will continue to exist in my consciousness for quite some time.

Look at my pretty new purple yoga mat and slightly less pretty new sports bra. Also, my tailbone hurts quite a bit after yoga. Not enough to stop me from doing yoga again before it heals, but enough to sit on ice for awhile. 

Generally I think working out is mind over matter. So, I am going to use my mind to ignore my tailbone pain and go to yoga and my pretty new purple yoga mat.

So sleepy. Got drunk off wine and champagne, managed not to fight and eat pie, but didn't sleep much and woke up with horrible stomach cramps. Still have Christmas dinner to get through. My new yoga mat is beautiful.

Things are made a little better by buying pies with my dad, getting stuff my knit socks, and eating a delicious sweet potato curry soup for lunch.

Pus is still draining from my knee. It's an attractive yellow color. I feel sort of heartbroken. I always use words like "sort of" because I like hedging a lot. It seems inappropriate to say totally and completely heartbroken, that I really don't know how to deal with Christmas without my house, without my dog, without a real Christmas tree, that I keep crying over a stupid holiday. The one and only time I went over to my mom's duplex I just felt this festering and couldn't bring myself to talk or look at anything because they were all the same things, just in the wrong place and it seemed so terribly wrong. My brother kept chastising me, suggested that maybe he lead the conversation. My mom kept saying things like "When you were going to live here" and I kept replying "I was never going to live here" and then she said "I mean before Austria" even though before Austria she claimed that my house would still be there when I returned. I don't want to go buy a holiday French silk pie that I don't want to eat, I don't want to open presents from my mother that I don't want, I want to sit with my dad and drink wine and not feel horrible. I am grateful at least, that I have one parent that I like pretty much all the time and prefer seeing over most people in the world.

Hurt my tailbone a couple of days ago. Lots of actions hurt. Am really tired. Want to eat a sandwich and or the giant bag of rolls on the counter that's meant for Christmas Eve and Christmas. I don't want to spend Christmas with my mother. I hate wanting things. It's never rational. I constantly degrade myself. I need to shower.

Saw my mom today to plan meals for Christmas Eve and Christmas. Of course she brought up everything I didn't want to talk about and when I repeatedly said "Stop" and threatened to leave she still continued talking until I actually stood up to leave. She just wants to feel like it's not her fault and that I'm not angry at her, but it is her fault and I am angry with her.

There are two types of people in this world: people who pick at their zits and people who don't pick at their zits. As a person who compulsively picks at their zits, I'm not quite sure the second type of people exists.

Getting up an hour early to go to the Wednesday barbell strength class because I can't go to the Thursday barbell strength class. Yeah.

Wake up to find myself broke, fall down walking to the treadmill, feeling very angry for most of my workout, but after burning around 1,000 calories I feel a bit better and wholly excited for my sandwich.

I console myself with the fact that even though I am completely broke I can still go to the gym (assuming I can put gas in my car), I have food to eat, and beer in the fridge.

Doing laundry is one of the least fun activities I know of.

Why having a boyfriend would be nice: so he could give me a back massage.

Plans for the evening: yoga, go out to dinner with my dad, if I get really ambitious laundry and taking out the recycling, but I'm probably not that ambitious. I suppose if someone calls me I will see people, but even without that the day sounds very satisfying.

I have annoyances that are not appropriate to publish on the internet, but just know that I have annoyances.

I couldn't get to sleep last night until late because I took a nap yesterday from 4-6 and apparently that threw off my entire sleeping schedule. When I finally got to sleep I had all these dreams about people talking about how they had to be quiet because I was sleeping, but I was some sort of authority on something. It was very confusing, particularly the part where my computer restarted itself and hulu began playing and through my sleepiness I had to figure out which tab was causing the noise.

Making it to bed is so hard. Especially when you've done nothing all day aside from yoga and sending two emails because your body is not tired.

"I miss the way the fourth slice of pizza tastes. The fifth even more."

I realize this girl lost way more weight than me. But I totally relate to all of these statements.

I am always hungryyyy I just want to eat chips I have a chips addiction. They need to make no calorie chips. I realize they wouldn't make me less hungry, but that is a minor issue.

One time I apologized to someone for them breaking up with me. Like 10 times. It was all I could say. 

I want to cuddle with almost anyone right now.

Stupid. I hate who I think of when I'm drunk.

It disappoints me, that I can't make people want to talk to me. I am not particularly alluring. I am moreso to people who actually talk about things, versus people who say nothing, but that who I wanted to talk to me so I say a lot. These are not the people I should try to appeal to because it doesn't work.

I might be pleasant if you are not in my head. This is why I think people stop liking me. They get too close to my thoughts and they can't deal with it. I can mostly deal with it. It has taken a long time. This sounds so morbid, but it's not. I just don't like thinking really serious thoughts and I do a lot.

I just finished No Man's Land  by Eula Biss. I don't usually read nonfiction. I say this, but I've read a number of nonfiction books this year. The part that particularly touched me in this book was the last story where she talks about heritage and how we identify ourselves with these groups of people that we really shouldn't be identified with at all. She concludes the story by talking about being harassed by a black student at a high school she was teaching at, reporting the harassment, and then being apologized to by a  completely different student. When she points out that he was not the one doing the harassing, he says, "No, but it might have been my cousin." In this way she shows the value in white people, in white culture, apologizing for crimes in white history, regardless of what any single person's ancestors might have done. This is a sentiment I very much agree with and have gotten in many discussions about it. I have white guilt, I feel guilty for my privilege, I feel guilty for crimes of the past that I took no part in. I am still living the life created by the people who committed these crimes and therefore I see the value in apologizing, in trying hard to reverse these things.

Walking is so hard and so painful. Clearly the solution here is to go to another yoga class.

Or maybe taking a day off.

Two yoga classes in a row. First yoga class was not satisfactory so I did another one and mid side-plank I hated all of my thoughts and decisions and at the end I felt really pleased with myself and could see vague arm muscles instead of just squishy stuff.

Maybe I will try going a week. Maybe sometime in January. I will have to figure out breakfast and lunch alternatives as right now I eat processed food (bread, milk, mayonnaise, jam, sliced turkey?) in both meals. I want to be good to my body.

I want to stop eating all processed food for a month and eat mainly vegetables in season, but I cannot find a proper definition of processed.

I can't imagine picking up and moving right now. The concept seems so hard. A tearing almost.

I actually had a good time tonight and enjoyed all the people I was around. It was a really nice feeling. Shockingly people can interact without making other people feel bad. I did not realize this.

Sometimes I think I like being alone better than anything else.

Things that contradict this: see all of last year.

Put on my New Years Eve dress several weeks early and am now wearing it around the house. It is the same dress as last year that I didn't get to wear out. My roommate came home and told me my dress was really pretty and I said, "Yes, I'm taking pictures of myself on the computer to put on my blog." Yeah, shut up. 

I also figured out how to turn up the heat in my apartment. Basically everything in my life got way better this morning.

I know hearing me talk about weight and food and working out is annoying and you're probably judging me just a little for caring this much or maybe I'm judging me just a little, but I've lost 31 pounds and I'm super excited, so excited that I'm going to go eat a sandwich (mostly because it's lunch time and I eat a sandwich everyday).

Based off Pinterest the only books people read are Harry Potter and The Hunger Games.

Today a man was improperly doing kettle bell and his junk was waving about.

There was a substitute at yoga, but a banker told me I look BA so I think I broke even.

My clothes didn't dry fully in the dryer so I just spread them out across the floor. This is a grown up solution.

When people are nice all the time it doesn't really mean anything. When someone is sort of awful to you most of the time and then is nice once it feels so special. Clearly the key here is to be mean and terrible most of the time.

I like hedging a lot. Minnesotans like hedging a lot. Like "I'm going to tell you something bad, but it's going to be okay, okay?" I am being criticized for this. It is deserved.

I'm watching "I Used to be Fat" to motivate myself to get out of bed and go to the gym.