So tonight I was thinking, as I often do, and I was thinking about why I'm sad. I'm not very sad. I wouldn't call it a depression of any kind, it's just a little sad. I realized that really my ego is just bruised and I'm disappointed, but whatever. The bigger issue is other things and the other things aren't new things at all, I've known these things for well over a year. People are just so bittersweet.

Oh geeze, I'm worked myself into such a state of caring. It's all very silly caring. I call things silly when they matter a lot, but I don't think it makes sense or is purposeful for them to matter a lot.

I will reach a point someday where none of this will matter.

Life in college really doesn't make any sense. I have high expectations of life at some point. At some point everything will be really really excellent. I don't know when, but I expect they will be.

I am in a writing and then erasing mood. I don't want to expose too much. I want this to scream, "I don't care," to the right people and "I really do love you," to other people and, "See look I am not depressed or a pessimist," to other people still. If these were things I could ever say to these people I would, but to tell someone you don't care implies that you do, love implies far too many things always, when really it doesn't mean those things, but instead a gutteral feeling that is lovely and horrible all at nce. I think people think I'm depressed. I think I wonder if I am depressed because I always wonder it, but last night I clearly remember thinking, "I am far less anxious than I used to be," and it's true.

I sound drunk, I am not drunk, I actually have not been really drunk for quite sometime, I would like to be though, sometime soon.