It's really hard to predict anything at all. I sort of thought that I would be terribly lonely at this point, but I didn't understand what terribly lonely meant. I talked about it the way I talk about the monsters that come when I turn out the light. They might not be real, but there is a possibility that they are real and if they are real it would be atrocious. Therefore all my statements of "I will be so lonely," were not truly heartfelt, as they could not be. Except now the loneliness is here and moving about my insides in all sorts of ways. It's worse than I thought and even worse than that it makes me angry. I realize I am the only person responsible for my well being and happiness and thus to put blame for any of my unhappiness onto anyone is entirely ridiculous, so most of the time I am angry at myself, for being unable to be as happy as I want to be while I am alone in a little town. Other times I become angry at people, but it's misplaced anger.

I do have things to be excited for. This weekend I am going to Braunau to make Christmas cookies with Becca and if you know me at all, you must know how I love baking and cooking. On Wednesday the Upper Austria teaching assistants are getting together in Wels. I just hope my school doesn't actually schedule me for that afternoon. The following weekend I am going to Nuranberg to go the second best Christmas market in the world and the following week I am going to London for Christmas. After London I am traveling somewhere (who knows where) with a couple of the TAs. Therefore, there is absolutely no reason I should be unhappy. I will probably be mostly happy while doing these things. Hopefully I won't cry ever. I want it to be enough, I want to be happy enough for it to lift me out of what I'm feeling. I want everything to be so good.