I sit around waiting for people to care about me the way I think I want them to and they don't. I realize over and over again that they never will and every single night it's a new revelation and I make plans to do things about, but I don't. And then it all ends and the cycle repeats and I have to remind myself that I am still here, that I still exist as a human being, though they haven't validated me. I get drunk thinking it will make me say all these things that I need to say and then I don't say them and maybe that's the problem. Nothing will make me say these things because I am scared to lose what I have, though what I have makes me so terribly unhappy. Sometimes I just say fuck it and go to sleep, fuck it and go to the gym and then it returns. It makes me upset that this happened. I didn't mean to let this happen.