I think being an alternate from Austria has really thrown me off. I haven't been anxious lately, but since Monday I can feel the ants stirring. It feels foreign again. I've been drinking caffeine, which probably isn't helping. I feel like I haven't talked about it. Not really. I just want to talk about it, get upset, be hugged, but people don't really seem to know what to say and I want to tell them not to say anything. I don't want words of reassurance because they don't mean anything. I'm an alternate. That's it. I don't want to hear the possibility of me going. I don't want anything insincere. I hate how this is affecting my life. I hate feeling like my feelings are irrational. Is that an irrational feeling? To feel that way. I am so bad at asking for what I want.

What I want: To go back to Monday morning before nine o'clock.
To be happy and drunk and not worry.
To be less afraid of the foreign.
To not worry about my adequacy.

I'm sort of crying, but only sort of. I need to cry I think. I keep feeling all these emotions and emotions make me cry. I have too many words right now. I just want to talk and talk and talk, but I keep forgetting everything I want to say and the things I don't forget I am nervous to say. So nervous about my nerves.