I've spent a lot of time over the last year thinking about what type of girl I am. Because classification is obviously necessary, right? I also spent a lot of time today thinking about it. I used to think I was relationship girl. I like stable things. I like to have a routine and a schedule and to know what I am doing later in the day. But I'm not relationship girl. I always feel trapped once I'm actually in a relationship and I like to flirt and I like the excitement and relationships have excitement for awhile and then it dies and when it dies it kills me. I want to be open relationship girl. I like having someone that I know cares about me and will be there for me, but I need to not feel trapped. I am not open relationship girl. I tend to (not like to) care about one person or a few people intensely.

I wonder if there are people who don't get crushed by things. I realize other people often get less crushed by things than I do, but are there people who simply don't care? Who say, "A body is just a body and there's not a person attached to it?" I have a hard time defining my own attachment. Do I get attached to a body and then think that there's something more? Or is it the reverse: do I get attached to a person and then make it about the body?

This isn't a pressing issue really. I don't have to figure it out right now. Part of the problem is that there hasn't really been anyone that I've wanted a relationship with. There are people that I have had feelings for or attraction to on that level, but it would be a relationship based off the wrong things and that would be unnecessarily hurtful. But at the same time, I feel like it's a pressing issue because I'm trying to figure out how I feel about myself and my life and my mind isn't giving me any clues.

Except I feel good about myself. I feel confident. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how I feel about other things. I am really not sure. Usually when I say I am not sure about something I am lying, but I am being completely honest right now.

I am just going to keep going with the flow.

Let's take the flow literally: It's a little stream, it gains fast current and water, there are white water rapids! Oh no! And then there's a waterfall. And then it is a little stream again after getting away from the waterfall.