These nasty little habits

There are now many little old people that know all about me.

The funeral was much better than expected. Except for seeing my Grandma. That was horrible. I didn't realize she was there because last time I saw her she wasn't in a wheelchair, so I walked out from putting my coat away and went over to my dad and brother. Then I realized I was standing in front of a woman who bore a slight resemblance to my grandmother, only she was frozen with her mouth open and her eyes were too little and watery and her teeth too prominant and she had an aide standing by her. Her aide was so nice, which made me happy. Of course, the only thing she said was, "Look it's your grand-daughter and she's beautiful just like you," so I'm a little bit biased. My grandma recognized me atleast. She looked really happy to see me and I kind of understood the words, "It's been such a long time since I've seen her," come out of her mouth. It was really heartbreakingly sad.

The service was actually happy to some degree. My dad has his own issues with my grandpa, but I thought what people said was true. One of my grandpa's friends stood up and started his speech with, "Rex had many many friends and all of us thought we must be his best friend because when he talked to you he really listened." This was a theme that was reoccuring throughout the service. I was slightly (really) uncomfortable when they talked about god and Jesus and how he's up there with them now or as he put it; he was getting a promotion. Apparently my grandpa was very religious. I'm not sure when I started crying. I didn't cry enough. I felt bad. I felt like it would've been better if eyeliner had been smeared across my face like my cousin Julia. The service almost made me feel ashamed. Everyone kept saying how Rex never said a bad word about anyone and I thought about all the times that I have said something bad about someone and thought, "They aren't going to say that at my funeral..."

My brother and I have decided to be cremeated and have our ashes scattered in Lake Huron like we're doing for my grandpa.