Vacation was wonderful.

Now I am doing nothing. Sitting and biting my nails, waiting to leave.

I might just need to accept the fact that I am less social than some people.

Finished Leaving the Atocha Station at the recommendation of Marnie. When I got accepted to teach English in Austria, I asked my college advisor, who had gotten a grant to write poetry in Italy, whether he had gotten a lot of writing done while abroad and he said, "It was hard to write while I was there." I had also found this in Italy and attributed it to the Italian culture, which is conducive to many things, but not productivity. I was thus surprised when in Austria I had the same struggles to write, failing to write more than a page at a time, unable even to document my experiences. As the character in the book (who has a grant to write poetry in Spain), I became better and more apt at living abroad. Things that were originally special became less so, my German got better (but I became more afraid of speaking it), and for moments I thought about staying there despite being unhappy for the majority of my time. At the end of the book the narrator describes his year abroad as two paragraphs that he tells to people who ask about it. This is what Austria has become for me, though it certainly had a profound affect on my life.

More on food: Had brunch at Haute Dish. I had the Pat Starr which is hashbrowns with lots and lots of vegetables and cheese and two eggs that I ordered over-easy and I added ham on the side and it was the best brunch I've ever had. They rudely don't have a picture of it on their website. Brendan got the fried chicken and waffle and he said it was pretty good, but he did take home my leftovers as he was a little jealous of my really great meal.

The entire box of herb-blend organic greens is only 20 calories, so I should probably make the world's biggest salad now.

"Did you hear about Colorado?"
"Yeah, that's really awful."
"I know."
"It seems like there are more and more of these things."
"Yeah, there was just a bar shooting in Tuscaloosa."
"Yeah, I read about that."

The skin on my left foot is peeling. I have a gash on my back and a progressive sunburn down my legs. My feet hurt, my legs hurt, but I finished. I had the slowest run time I've ever had, but I'm satisfied with my bike and swim and I finished. I have to keep reminding myself that many people cannot run 5.3 miles at all, nevermind after a 1/2 mile swim and 21 mile bike.

Last night I weighed myself after eating two large plates of food and drinking two bottles of water and unsurprisingly had gained five pounds, probably which is more like 3 or 4 pounds and panicked that I would be too heavy to do the triathlon because that makes sense. I then began to panic about grad school, my relationship, going to the doctor, the dentist, my broken glasses, and sent texts like, "I'm freaking out about everything." Then I went to sleep and had a dream that I got lost because I ran through my elementary school playground on the tri. Ugh.

I had nightmares about Sunday's triathlon. I forgot my bike, my running shoes, took my wetsuit on the swim even though the lake was warm, the car got stuck in water on the way there. Flooding should not be so prevalent on my mind that I dream about it, but it is. I somehow thought I wouldn't be nervous, would have no adrenaline to push me, but of course this was not true and my stomach hurts because of it.

Grocery store:
I eat this much food? I'm like a giraffe.

I didn't think that at the age of 24 I would feel accomplished for managing to stay in a relationship for six months, but that's where we're at, so I'm going to drink some champagne with the person who has managed to stay in a relationship with me.

Sometimes I just have to stop caring, because if I care I'll just be angry all the time, like all this stuff about the girl who punched that guy in the face for joking about rape and Daniel Tosh making those jokes about rape, and I just get so angry because rape isn't ever a joke, ever, and I don't want to be angry so I just can't look at the internet or think about things.

We cannot go out for breakfast if no one is awake.

Today:
Cycling
Lunch
Physical therapy
Swimming
Dinner
???

What if the internet got it right and mostly people like looking at pictures they can identify with?

I suppose it's not really insomnia as I fell asleep before midnight, but I took 2 melatonin tablets and watched three awful episodes of Sex in the City. I get really fearful at night, not fearful of monsters and stuff, though I guess I am scared of that sometimes. Last night I tried to sleep with the light off and got the feeling that there was a monster standing by my bed, so I turned it back on as if this little lightbulb could make the scary things dissipate. I think light is part of the problem, as I've been sleeping with it off a lot of the time when I am not alone and thus when I am here alone, I am both alone and a light is on and I just get scared. It has occurred to me though that everyone feels this way, everyone it's scared to move to a new city and leave behind the people they really care about more than anything. I want to say "if you care about them more than anything, how do you leave?" but people do it all the time and I will and late at night I just picture myself driving the stupid U-Haul and crying. 

I meant to go read 5 hours ago, instead I watched 4 episodes of "FriendZone," which has taught me that no one ever wants to date their friend that's in love with them, all of the episodes of "Snooki and J-Woww" and am currently watching "Awkward," a show I actually don't like at all. What's wrong with me?

Normal post-party ennui. Found myself at a gay bar with a settling hangover at midnight last night. I forget how to dance when I am near sober and find myself moving my hips off beat and wondering why I'm still awake. I already have all I want from the nighttime, I don't need to find it at a bar, though I still do like whiskey sours. Finding myself unreasonably upset that I am expected to be ready to leave to spend time with family at 7:30 in the morning on the last Saturday I have off before leaving. I don't understand fishing, but I do understand why fish are hungrier in the morning. I can't sit and wait that long for fish to bite, particularly when I want to be sleeping. What's the point of getting up so early to bike for an hour and a half? Isn't that what the rest of the day is for. I should go running, but my body feels heavy from all those hot dogs. I didn't take any pictures because I was having more fun lying in the grass, drinking Grainbelts. At some point I will want pictures from yesterday. I never expect to feel this way, but I always do afterwards.

Finally biked without back pain. I think the heat helps loosen my muscles.

Today:
Biking before it reaches 90.
Taking naps in my warm room.
Reading.
Swimming a mile and a half.
Buying beer for tomorrow.
Cleaning out the cooler.

Food network:
Everything should have holes cut in it and stuffed with garlic.