To Be Happy, You Must Not Write Poetry

2012-02-02T13:44:00.002-06:00

If only I could simultaneously curl up in the fetal position, draw, drink tea, and eat organic cheese puffs.

2012-02-01T22:44:00.000-06:00

Spent most of the day exhausted and crabby with horrible cramps and somehow reached the conclusion that my cramps were not premenstrual cramps at all, but pregnancy cramps (I don't think these are a real thing) that happened to occur right when I was supposed to get my period. After a traumatic dinner with my mother though my body has decided to actually let my period start so despite my terrible mood at least I am not pregnant.

2012-02-01T17:17:00.002-06:00

I have been the crabbiest person all day long. When I'm crabby there are people I like enough that I am still happy around them and then the rest of the time I just whine in my head.

2012-01-31T08:33:00.000-06:00

It's hard hearing adjectives about yourself. This is probably an incredibly vain statement, but recently I've had the opportunity to hear many nice things about myself and of course I'm happy to hear them, but not as happy as I was expecting. It's not a thrill I need. For a long time the first way I would have described myself is "difficult," but increasingly when I mention that people disagree in a perplexed tone and I'm not sure how I am anymore. One time in high school Kaleigh said that it bothers her that she never really knows what her face looks like and in my own self-absorbed way I think about this a lot, though larger, how I never really know anything about myself.

2012-01-30T14:23:00.003-06:00

Happiness is distracting.

2012-01-25T16:57:00.002-06:00

One more time: I got into graduate school.

2012-01-25T15:35:00.002-06:00

One of the best parts of getting into graduate school: celebrating getting into graduate school.

2012-01-25T11:27:00.002-06:00

Last night I had to remind myself that I'm an atheist, I don't have to believe in karma or fate, I can be as happy I want for as long as I like.

2012-01-24T20:53:00.000-06:00

I got into my first graduate school. I would be happy to go there. If I get in nowhere else, everything will be okay. All the work I've put in all these years feels validated now.

2012-01-24T00:29:00.003-06:00

There is something really satisfying about waking up feeling really sick and then still have a great day.

2012-01-22T11:41:00.000-06:00

Life is pretty good. I'm also pretty hungover. I woke up this morning and discovered a blood vessel popped in my eye sometime last night. Last time a blood vessel popped in my eye it was finals week sophomore year of college and I was really stressed. I think I had so much fun a blood vessel popped. Like how I get happiness hives.

2012-01-21T09:38:00.000-06:00

Going to work on a Saturday morning is especially unappealing when there are things I would much rather be doing after work.

2012-01-20T17:00:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I want to do things I can't or should not do at the present moment. This list usually includes things like
Eat chocolate
Eat an entire pizza
Eat bacon
Engage in sexual intercourse
Etc.
That's why there are other things, like going out to lunch and swimming.

2012-01-19T17:02:00.002-06:00

Probably going to Target and buying toilet paper would've been a better use of my time. But getting a lot done on my puzzle was good too.

2012-01-19T14:24:00.000-06:00

Upped my mileage running today and as a result felt great and wonderful and successful and then promptly get a phone call from my second job saying that I currently have zero hours because business is really slow. It's an equilibrium. Being too happy is dangerous and I am close to too happy as everything in my life seems to be going right, so I need something to go wrong.

2012-01-19T08:26:00.002-06:00

The worst part about the cold is not the cold itself, which admittedly is quite terrible, but everyone talking about the forecast, just how cold it's going to get, so the cold is surrounding us constantly and always in our consciousness.

2012-01-18T23:53:00.002-06:00

I can only imagine how many books would've been in my bed in college if I'd had a double bed.

2012-01-18T20:54:00.000-06:00

Me: I'm studying German again.
Dad: Why?
Me: For fun. You know, it's a hobby.
Dad: Why don't you write for fun?
Me: That's not a hobby, that's what I want to do with my life. Do you figure out bank data storage space for fun?
Dad: (laughs) I guess you're right.

2012-01-18T08:45:00.002-06:00

There is something incredibly unsexy about waking up and going to barbell strength class. A better thing to do would be to follow my urges and keep drinking tea and reading poetry, but that helps very few of my muscles.

2012-01-18T08:39:00.000-06:00

Bittersweet mornings.

2012-01-17T08:28:00.002-06:00

It has been so long since I had to get up for work in the morning that I forgot what mornings were like, all sore and groggy.

2012-01-16T10:49:00.002-06:00

I had a dream that I forgot to show up to work on time after the 5 week hiatus. It was quite terrifying. During the summer I get insomnia worrying about oversleeping.

2012-01-15T17:12:00.002-06:00

The kind of hungry where you are so hungry that everything in the whole wide world sounds good.

2012-01-15T03:35:00.000-06:00

For awhile I was frustrated with the people I know in the Twin Cities, but recently, like the past couple of months, I have just been so pleased and happy all the time. Maybe it's the vitamin d or the beer, but it's nice feeling happy and liking everyone.

2012-01-14T08:51:00.000-06:00

Brain voices:
1: You should go to both yoga classes in a row.
2: It's morning. I'm tired. I think I look pretty good.
1: If you eat breakfast and get dressed in the next five minutes you can go to both.
2: I wonder if there's a new episode of Misfits on hulu.
1: Definitely stay home and watch Misfits.
2: This is happening.

2012-01-13T14:38:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I think I am the most awkward person ever, but then I realize that no one actually knows how to talk to anyone else.

2012-01-12T23:55:00.000-06:00

I've had this song stuck in my head for like two days and keep wondering how Jay-Z got to marry Beyonce.

2012-01-12T07:22:00.001-06:00

Oh my gosh insomnia, waking me up at 7am when I went to sleep at 3:30 is not acceptable.

2012-01-12T03:07:00.002-06:00

Really good night. Goodnight.

2012-01-10T20:17:00.002-06:00

My mom ended up canceling for reasons that are too bizarre to write on here, so I had a very enjoyable evening eating Chinese with my dad and brother and my fortune was "you will have a pleasant time." I kind of want to write why she canceled. It's really strange though. It's strange for my mother and she's really fucking strange.

2012-01-10T13:55:00.001-06:00

I am having a really good day. It's so good I'm not even bothered that Kevin and I are going to my Mom's for dinner. There's even a blue sky in the middle of January.

2012-01-09T21:21:00.002-06:00

All day I've just felt happy for no reason. It's pretty nice.

2012-01-09T14:49:00.001-06:00

I bet Willow Smith will never have self-esteem problems.

2012-01-09T11:22:00.000-06:00

I've been getting my one hive a lot lately. I'm considering whether or not I'm allergic to something, but if I were allergic, wouldn't I get more than one hive? Who gets one hive randomly?

2012-01-08T18:13:00.002-06:00

Hungover spin class. I am impressed with my body's ability to keep moving when all my mind wants to do is eat terrible food and sleep.

2012-01-08T11:51:00.000-06:00

2012-01-08T05:38:00.000-06:00

Uh huh, because you are on drugs it's okay for you to make comments to me on how my house was foreclosed, but I am a spoiled brat because my dad pays my rents and for most of my groceries, because it makes me a spoiled brat to be really close to my dad and for him to care that I am eating and have a place to live. Clearly I don't know what loss is like and am just a spoiled awful person. Clearly after losing my house, my cat, my dog, my cousin, all of my grandparents, any sanity my mom had left, I know nothing about loss.

2012-01-07T08:17:00.002-06:00

I had trouble sleeping last night because some things in my life still bother me. Despite this I am getting up and going to yoga, hopefully two classes in a row depending on how I feel.

2012-01-07T00:43:00.002-06:00

Pulled out the sock because the pattern was sucking. Going to find a new pattern, make new socks. I watched a really great video about raw foods that I would share, but I watched it on Danny's computer. Night night.

2012-01-06T20:32:00.000-06:00

Fatigue came over me this morning. After yoga I intended to eat lunch and go to another yoga class, but I napped instead. It's like my body knew it was Friday afternoon. Then I swam with my dad for an hour and went out to dinner and it was really nice. I like my Fridays like this. Calm. Now I am going to work on knitting socks and probably watch some stupid movie.

2012-01-06T09:35:00.002-06:00

Last night all I could think about was kissing. Then, I fell asleep and dreamt things I don't remember.

2012-01-04T23:38:00.000-06:00

I do think about more than food and working out. I think about people I shouldn't be thinking about quite frequently, mostly about how I shouldn't be thinking about them ever or talk to them ever and how if I feel like I need to be drunk so I have an excuse to say anything at all then it's a bad friendship. I also think about how I need to be doing the laundry and taking out the recycling. I spend a lot of time thinking about how my grad school applications still exist somewhere, but yet it feels like they don't, like nothing is going to happen or come of this or like I somehow failed to fill them out and send them.

2012-01-04T23:35:00.000-06:00

I just thought: I want to burn all the fat off my body. This sounds so violent, like I want to set fire to myself. In high school I wrote a lot of memoir about staring at myself naked in the mirror at night. I still do this. I didn't for a while, I was satisfied or so unsatisfied I couldn't even bring myself to look in the mirror without clothes. When I think of having sex, I think only of wanting to be naked with someone else, looking for validation of my body. I don't know what this validation means, validation that I'm fat or thin or that I look different than before, whatever it is, it's a poor reason to ever want to be with anyone.

2012-01-04T23:27:00.002-06:00

Drama all over the place. Mostly though I just think about working out.

2012-01-03T14:05:00.000-06:00

I can run again! I went back a run on bridge to 10k, but it felt really good and my tailbone barely hurts and later I'm going to yoga and it feels great. I feel like I get a lot of shit for wanting to lose weight. That sounds sort of ridiculous, but people make fun of my efforts, my aversion to going to pizza places and eating cookies, and working out multiple times a day. But it feels good. For the past two weeks I've been eating terribly and working out less and I hated it (and loved all the bread I ate). I like feeling strong and capable.

2012-01-03T11:52:00.000-06:00

I am going to run today. It's going to happen despite my tailbone, despite being sore from yoga yesterday. Unless of course my tailbone really hurts.

2012-01-03T01:39:00.001-06:00

I am craving a pb&j. Doesn't that sound good? I crave them sometimes, I think because I ate them everyday as a kid and now my tastes have matured and I eat a turkey sandwich with tomato, onion, alfalfa sprouts, spinach, and canola mayonnaise with honey whole wheat bread and sometimes still miss my original sandwich.

2012-01-03T01:24:00.002-06:00

I was happy so I washed the dishes.

2012-01-03T00:56:00.002-06:00

Timberwolves game was super fun and bar after Timberwolves game was also fun. When I am in places where everyone is happy and excited, I am also happy and excited.

2012-01-02T11:06:00.000-06:00

So New Years Eve was kind of messy and sloppy because I'm generally rather messy. I'm excited for things to be less crazy so I can get back to my normal compulsions, you know, eating, exercising, cleaning. Yoga this morning, reading/writing this afternoon/, Timberwolves game tonight.

2011-12-30T13:34:00.001-06:00

Working on puzzles all day and night with Julia because we're super badass.

2011-12-29T16:34:00.000-06:00

I wrote this today. I'm gonna post it and you're probably not gonna read it and that's okay. It's just the first thing I wrote since this grad school app shit finished and I want to put it somewhere.

Like if you had never seen a banana before, would you say, “I should peel this.” Fruit has skin and flesh and in that way, we identify with it. I was told once that baby animals develop features like baby humans so that if their parents die, we will take care of them. A nannie goat tells her kid son who is standing on top of a very high rock, “Baby humans develop features like baby goats so that if their parents die, we will teach them how to climb.” On average, humans are fifty-seven percent water. In this way, we are all half-lake. When listing off nationalities people say, “I come from the sea, but only on my father’s side.” We can categorize nutrients, make lists. It’s amazing that one fruit can contain the same things as another when they grow on different trees. There’s a limit to substance. My father keeps telling me we have used over half the oil and I keep asking him how his life will change. This isn’t about conservation though. We could kill all the birds and wait several billion years and have more. When I was a kid I used to copy words out of the dictionary, as though this second handwritten dictionary would have more meaning. Everyone I know gets lonely at night, even though after we are done playing peek-a-boo we know that just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. It is always alarming to fall down and discover that you are made of bones after all. In 2065, when we have finished categorizing the Earth, people begin to feel lonely in the daytime. They talk about fruit and what the skin is made of, only instead of talking they take pictures of their brains and read what the colors say.

2011-12-29T16:22:00.001-06:00

Lay around in bed all day. Julia is coming back. I'm hungry. Writing a prose poem.

2011-12-29T02:38:00.001-06:00

Okay, I might still cry when I get mad at people who used to be my friends, it happens.

2011-12-29T02:22:00.001-06:00

This will only encourage the fuel but, FUCK YOU.

2011-12-28T19:36:00.002-06:00

I WANT CHOCOLATE SO BAD.

2011-12-28T10:51:00.002-06:00

Barbell strength class was excellent. I feel excellent now. Really good. Love it. Think I'm gonna pop some ibuprofen, sit on some ice, knit some socks, and then go to yoga this afternoon.

2011-12-28T08:36:00.002-06:00

Day #3 of trying to work out with a bruised tailbone. Today: barbell strength class.

2011-12-27T21:33:00.000-06:00

It's okay to sit around by yourself, watch way too much tv, knit socks, and feel things you should never ever feel, right?

2011-12-27T11:53:00.000-06:00

Apparently my stomach pain might be caused by my tailbone pain according to this one website I found. Everything is connected.

2011-12-26T13:29:00.000-06:00

Also I had no concentration. I know exactly why. Unfortunately it's not one of those things that just gets resolved, but instead one of those awful intangible things that will continue to exist in my consciousness for quite some time.

2011-12-26T13:27:00.000-06:00

Look at my pretty new purple yoga mat and slightly less pretty new sports bra. Also, my tailbone hurts quite a bit after yoga. Not enough to stop me from doing yoga again before it heals, but enough to sit on ice for awhile.

2011-12-26T10:32:00.002-06:00

Generally I think working out is mind over matter. So, I am going to use my mind to ignore my tailbone pain and go to yoga and my pretty new purple yoga mat.

2011-12-25T18:13:00.000-06:00

So sleepy. Got drunk off wine and champagne, managed not to fight and eat pie, but didn't sleep much and woke up with horrible stomach cramps. Still have Christmas dinner to get through. My new yoga mat is beautiful.

2011-12-24T12:43:00.002-06:00

Things are made a little better by buying pies with my dad, getting stuff my knit socks, and eating a delicious sweet potato curry soup for lunch.

2011-12-24T10:51:00.001-06:00

Pus is still draining from my knee. It's an attractive yellow color. I feel sort of heartbroken. I always use words like "sort of" because I like hedging a lot. It seems inappropriate to say totally and completely heartbroken, that I really don't know how to deal with Christmas without my house, without my dog, without a real Christmas tree, that I keep crying over a stupid holiday. The one and only time I went over to my mom's duplex I just felt this festering and couldn't bring myself to talk or look at anything because they were all the same things, just in the wrong place and it seemed so terribly wrong. My brother kept chastising me, suggested that maybe he lead the conversation. My mom kept saying things like "When you were going to live here" and I kept replying "I was never going to live here" and then she said "I mean before Austria" even though before Austria she claimed that my house would still be there when I returned. I don't want to go buy a holiday French silk pie that I don't want to eat, I don't want to open presents from my mother that I don't want, I want to sit with my dad and drink wine and not feel horrible. I am grateful at least, that I have one parent that I like pretty much all the time and prefer seeing over most people in the world.

2011-12-23T14:23:00.000-06:00

Hurt my tailbone a couple of days ago. Lots of actions hurt. Am really tired. Want to eat a sandwich and or the giant bag of rolls on the counter that's meant for Christmas Eve and Christmas. I don't want to spend Christmas with my mother. I hate wanting things. It's never rational. I constantly degrade myself. I need to shower.

2011-12-21T15:33:00.000-06:00

Saw my mom today to plan meals for Christmas Eve and Christmas. Of course she brought up everything I didn't want to talk about and when I repeatedly said "Stop" and threatened to leave she still continued talking until I actually stood up to leave. She just wants to feel like it's not her fault and that I'm not angry at her, but it is her fault and I am angry with her.

2011-12-21T11:16:00.000-06:00

There are two types of people in this world: people who pick at their zits and people who don't pick at their zits. As a person who compulsively picks at their zits, I'm not quite sure the second type of people exists.

2011-12-21T08:47:00.002-06:00

Getting up an hour early to go to the Wednesday barbell strength class because I can't go to the Thursday barbell strength class. Yeah.

2011-12-20T14:14:00.000-06:00

Wake up to find myself broke, fall down walking to the treadmill, feeling very angry for most of my workout, but after burning around 1,000 calories I feel a bit better and wholly excited for my sandwich.

2011-12-20T10:14:00.002-06:00

I console myself with the fact that even though I am completely broke I can still go to the gym (assuming I can put gas in my car), I have food to eat, and beer in the fridge.

2011-12-18T18:25:00.002-06:00

Doing laundry is one of the least fun activities I know of.

2011-12-17T15:10:00.003-06:00

Why having a boyfriend would be nice: so he could give me a back massage.

2011-12-16T14:15:00.002-06:00

Plans for the evening: yoga, go out to dinner with my dad, if I get really ambitious laundry and taking out the recycling, but I'm probably not that ambitious. I suppose if someone calls me I will see people, but even without that the day sounds very satisfying.

2011-12-15T13:24:00.002-06:00

I have annoyances that are not appropriate to publish on the internet, but just know that I have annoyances.

2011-12-15T10:31:00.000-06:00

I couldn't get to sleep last night until late because I took a nap yesterday from 4-6 and apparently that threw off my entire sleeping schedule. When I finally got to sleep I had all these dreams about people talking about how they had to be quiet because I was sleeping, but I was some sort of authority on something. It was very confusing, particularly the part where my computer restarted itself and hulu began playing and through my sleepiness I had to figure out which tab was causing the noise.

2011-12-15T00:13:00.001-06:00

Making it to bed is so hard. Especially when you've done nothing all day aside from yoga and sending two emails because your body is not tired.

2011-12-14T23:01:00.000-06:00

"I miss the way the fourth slice of pizza tastes. The fifth even more."

I realize this girl lost way more weight than me. But I totally relate to all of these statements.

2011-12-14T21:52:00.002-06:00

I am always hungryyyy I just want to eat chips I have a chips addiction. They need to make no calorie chips. I realize they wouldn't make me less hungry, but that is a minor issue.

2011-12-13T13:29:00.002-06:00

One time I apologized to someone for them breaking up with me. Like 10 times. It was all I could say.

2011-12-12T11:05:00.001-06:00

2011-12-11T03:08:00.001-06:00

I want to cuddle with almost anyone right now.

2011-12-11T03:07:00.001-06:00

Stupid. I hate who I think of when I'm drunk.

2011-12-11T02:57:00.000-06:00

It disappoints me, that I can't make people want to talk to me. I am not particularly alluring. I am moreso to people who actually talk about things, versus people who say nothing, but that who I wanted to talk to me so I say a lot. These are not the people I should try to appeal to because it doesn't work.

2011-12-11T02:52:00.000-06:00

I might be pleasant if you are not in my head. This is why I think people stop liking me. They get too close to my thoughts and they can't deal with it. I can mostly deal with it. It has taken a long time. This sounds so morbid, but it's not. I just don't like thinking really serious thoughts and I do a lot.

2011-12-10T11:41:00.000-06:00

I just finished No Man's Land by Eula Biss. I don't usually read nonfiction. I say this, but I've read a number of nonfiction books this year. The part that particularly touched me in this book was the last story where she talks about heritage and how we identify ourselves with these groups of people that we really shouldn't be identified with at all. She concludes the story by talking about being harassed by a black student at a high school she was teaching at, reporting the harassment, and then being apologized to by a completely different student. When she points out that he was not the one doing the harassing, he says, "No, but it might have been my cousin." In this way she shows the value in white people, in white culture, apologizing for crimes in white history, regardless of what any single person's ancestors might have done. This is a sentiment I very much agree with and have gotten in many discussions about it. I have white guilt, I feel guilty for my privilege, I feel guilty for crimes of the past that I took no part in. I am still living the life created by the people who committed these crimes and therefore I see the value in apologizing, in trying hard to reverse these things.

2011-12-09T23:32:00.000-06:00

Walking is so hard and so painful. Clearly the solution here is to go to another yoga class.

Or maybe taking a day off.

2011-12-09T17:59:00.000-06:00

Two yoga classes in a row. First yoga class was not satisfactory so I did another one and mid side-plank I hated all of my thoughts and decisions and at the end I felt really pleased with myself and could see vague arm muscles instead of just squishy stuff.

2011-12-09T12:10:00.000-06:00

Maybe I will try going a week. Maybe sometime in January. I will have to figure out breakfast and lunch alternatives as right now I eat processed food (bread, milk, mayonnaise, jam, sliced turkey?) in both meals. I want to be good to my body.

2011-12-09T12:07:00.000-06:00

I want to stop eating all processed food for a month and eat mainly vegetables in season, but I cannot find a proper definition of processed.

2011-12-09T12:01:00.002-06:00

I can't imagine picking up and moving right now. The concept seems so hard. A tearing almost.

2011-12-08T23:41:00.000-06:00

I actually had a good time tonight and enjoyed all the people I was around. It was a really nice feeling. Shockingly people can interact without making other people feel bad. I did not realize this.

2011-12-08T13:52:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I think I like being alone better than anything else.

Things that contradict this: see all of last year.

2011-12-07T16:46:00.000-06:00

Put on my New Years Eve dress several weeks early and am now wearing it around the house. It is the same dress as last year that I didn't get to wear out. My roommate came home and told me my dress was really pretty and I said, "Yes, I'm taking pictures of myself on the computer to put on my blog." Yeah, shut up.

2011-12-07T12:41:00.002-06:00

I also figured out how to turn up the heat in my apartment. Basically everything in my life got way better this morning.

2011-12-07T12:34:00.000-06:00

I know hearing me talk about weight and food and working out is annoying and you're probably judging me just a little for caring this much or maybe I'm judging me just a little, but I've lost 31 pounds and I'm super excited, so excited that I'm going to go eat a sandwich (mostly because it's lunch time and I eat a sandwich everyday).

2011-12-06T17:06:00.000-06:00

Based off Pinterest the only books people read are Harry Potter and The Hunger Games.

2011-12-06T14:33:00.002-06:00

Today a man was improperly doing kettle bell and his junk was waving about.

2011-12-05T13:37:00.000-06:00

There was a substitute at yoga, but a banker told me I look BA so I think I broke even.